Am I crazy or are they?

If you were lucky enough to get to bring home a real live baby and everything was "normal" and you got the point where you were making baby announcements, why the hell would you ever chose photos of the baby sleeping, i.e. with its eye's closed? Does this bother me just because I am a DBM and associate pictures of babies with their eyes closed with dead babies? Sure,you should take pictures of your kids while they are sleeping (I did it a couple weeks ago when D fell asleep while her dad yelled at the TV during a football game.), but why would you pick those pictures for a birth announcement? And it's not like one of those Anne Geddes elaborately posed photos, it's just a regular close up photo of the kid's face. I don't know if I am just reacting as someone who only has pictures of her son with his eyes closed or it's just that I am pissed at the mom of this kid (more on that later) but really, would anyone else be bothered by this?

A trip I didn't plan for

...but before you get excited and/or envious, it's a guilt trip.

Hi to all the ICLWers. Welcome to my messed up corner of the internet.

When I got up this morning, I thought I would have a nice fluffy post today about how I finally got off my ass and did something "for myself" as many people have been telling (nagging) me to do. However any fluffy happy feelings have been crushed by a phone call from my mom so it will be a big, whiny, bitchy post today.

While I generally avoid most people's phone calls, I almost always answer the phone when my mom calls. D likes talking to her grandma and I can ask about what's going on with my parents' farm, a topic which does not involve pregnancy or babies (living or dead) at all. I pretty much avoid talking about what's going on emotionally but I still at least talk to her.

Today my mom decided she needed to dump all her worries about me out there and shift through them. First she accused my of not going to counseling which I go to twice a month. Secondly she accused me of pushing everyone away. I had to ask where the line up of people trying to help me was because I hadn't seen it yet. It's hard to push away people who won't come close enough to even ask how I am doing. Then she started talking about God which always means we are going on a guilt trip ( and she is really good at taking me a guilt trips). Lets see if I can remember all the things I am doing wrong on that front: I am not taking D to church/Sunday school, I am not making my husband go to church and believe what she thinks he should believe, I am not being forgiving enough of the "friend" who stopped communicating with me (not that she's contacted me in any way, I'm supposed to reach out to her), I am not thankful enough for the things that I do have and and yes the big one, I am not accepting that Reid's death was part of God's plan so that means that it must have happened for the best.

All of those things make me so mad. I could probably write for days on how they make me angry and how her way of thinking just doesn't work for me, especially the part about Reid's death being something that God decided should happen. I am fine with her believing what ever she wants to about God but she shouldn't be allowed to try to make me feel bad for not believing the same things. She would say she is trying to help, but I don't need anyone making feel any worse than I do already.

And now I am pretty sure that this means that she is not going to be understanding of my feelings at all if I have a hard time dealing with the birth of my brother's child next month. The same brother who has never even mentioned Reid to me, not even a generic "I'm sorry about what happened to you". If I point that out to my mom, I'll just get another lecture on being the bigger person and forgiving him. There won't be any acceptance of the fact that seeing other people having babies just reminds me of what I lost and that it causes me pain. I guess I better start packing for that guilt trip now.

(And will someone please remind of this rant 25 years from now so that I can avoid doing the same thing to my daughter.)

Random stuff from the last few days

D.G.'s sister came to visit this weekend. She's great, the best part of his family really and wonderful with D. and doesn't get weirded out when I mention Reid's name. But even with that wonderfulness, I can't take more than 24 hours of having someone else around the house. By this morning, I just wanted to hide out in bed and was escaping into a book every chance I got. I just can't deal with having to be "normal" for any length of time.

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I think I am more mad at the MIL than ever. I did the very mature thing and removed her from my friends list on FB after she thought it was okay to comment on my Oct 15th picture. (Really it always bugged me that in the interests of family harmony I had to be "friends" with my MIL on FB so it felt good to do it and with D.G.'s blessing too.) D.G.'s sister may be able to accept that her mother just does things without thinking about the consequences, but that's just not okay with me.

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D.G. and I are having problems because he wants me to "try" more, try to talk to people, try to socialize, try to do things the old me would have done. This has mostly been brought on because a group of old friends are coming to town for the Grey Cup at the end of November. (It's the Canadian equivalent of the Super Bowl so there are fewer people and it's a lot colder.) It's a huge party and generally a great time and the old me would be really excited about it. The new me doesn't want to go anywhere near it. (Of course the old me would have an almost 8 month old to BF so there wouldn't be a whole lot of partying happening anyway.) Why does no one understand that to me the world is just full of potential reminders about the fact that my baby is dead? That I can't sit around and talk about "nothing" or listen to people complain about their jobs? That my days consist of either being sad/angry/miserable because my baby is dead or desperately trying to hold it together long enough to take care of D or flooding my brain with the Internet, TV or books so that I can have a break from the other two things. That I have no interest in faking okay for people who have not done anything to support me or D.G. since the initial sympathy cards/emails.

Angry, Angry, Angry.

And this time it is not just at the universe in general.

As the MIL was leaving today, I was trying to do the right thing and help her load up her car and say goodbye nicely, instead of the pushing her out the door. To be fair, it hadn't been that bad a visit until she felt the need to confess that she had "just snuck into the room to look at Reid's things" while I gave her a goodbye hug. (All Reid's things including his ashes are in our nursery because it's the baby room and he's our baby). I backed away very fast and nearly ran away too but stopped myself. I explained that if she just would have asked, one of us would have taken her into the room. I eventually told her that I was upset but I'd get over it and gave her another hug. Then she starts crying like she's the one who has been violated (and that's how I feel) and it just made me so mad again. She left and I went inside to see if we had any spare drywall for me to put my fist through.

I called D.G. and vented and found out that she had even asked him about Reid's ashes while at the park on Sunday. He told her they were in the baby room and then asked if she had any other questions. He gave her an opening to ask to see Reid's things and she was too chicken-shit to ask, but then she had the nerve to go sneaking into the room and on top of that to confess so that she could feel better. (It definitely didn't make me feel better.) I don't know how I am going to deal with her ever being in my house again.

D.G. is ready to tell her that she isn't welcome to come visit again and honestly I'd be fine with that. How am I supposed to try to make an effort to let D have a relationship with her grandmother when I can't trust her to not go prowling through my house? I know D.G. will regret an estrangement from his mother later on, but right now there's no way for me to tell him that and sound believable. She is so freaking dependent and needy which drives me crazy as it is, but this just takes the cake. What kind of a person sneaks into someone else's dead baby's room? I don't care if he is her grandson (and she had to be reminded of that just a little while ago), he's our baby and if she wanted to see his things, she can fucking ask permission first. AARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

It finally happened

I have been waiting for something like this to happen for months now; waiting for someone in our families to deny or at least fail to acknowledge Reid. It finally happened today. My MIL sent us an email with a submission she was planning to send in for a local history book being published about D.G.'s home town. (It's a pretty common thing for small towns in SK to publish history books, my home town did it about 25 years ago and it is WAY smaller than D.G.'s) The line about D.G. mentioned me, D and his job but not Reid. This lead to a less than pleasant exchange between D.G. and myself, a session of sobbing on the bathroom floor for me and then a long emotional discussion after D went to sleep.

The result is that D.G. says he's "OK" with mentioning Reid as long as I am the one to tell his mom. I really want Reid to be mentioned and besides it's a history book, there should be plenty of families with mentions of dead babies over the last 100 years. (If there isn't then, it's not like I have to be there to get weird looks for daring to break the taboo.) However, I don't believe that D.G. is really OK about it. I do believe that he could put it out of his mind and forget about it, but that's not the same. Which should take priority, my need to acknowledge Reid or D.G.'s need to avoid reminders? We are such different places when it comes to grief. (The long emotional discussion revealed just how far apart those places are.) I don't want to hurt him, but I hate the idea of ever pretending that Reid didn't exist.

I feel like I'm stuck in a deep and terrible rut. I am trapped in a lonely and desolate place. I don't know which way I am supposed to go or if there even is any where for me to go. I "know" how I got here, but sometimes it still seems surreal. I am so tired so having to force myself to do things for my daughter of husband. I'm sick not being able to really enjoy anything without thinking about how things should be different.

They really are gone

I have been out of contact with most of the real world for three weeks and not shockingly, only a handful of people have tried to contact me (yes, L, I know I owe you a phone call and I am working up to it). I know I shouldn't be surprised but I am still hurt to see that no one else cares enough to check in a see if I am okay. I have been in Dead Baby Land long enough to know that the loss of friendships is an extra bonus that comes with babyloss. I think that almost all of my friends sent emails and cards when Reid died and I felt very supported, but now, 5 months later, the vast majority of these people have not been heard from since.

I don't think that it should come as a surprise to anyone that someone whose baby died might still need support 5 months later. I also don't think that it would be that hard from some of these people to send an email, they aren't the ones who are broken inside. They have normal lives (and in many cases living babies) to go back to after they make a tiny side trip into Dead Baby Land to check on me. I am the one with the dead baby and the lost dreams and I live in Dead Baby Land full-time. I am not going to drag what's left of me over the edge to Dead Baby Land and try to flag them down as they go about their normal lives. It's time for me to get used to the fact that most people who used to be in my life can't or don't want deal with my loss. Yeah, it's "nice" if they are thinking about me, but that doesn't do shit for me if they aren't willing to brave a little bit of Dead Baby Land to let me know that. It's time for me stop expecting that one day one of these people is going to call me up and ask how I'm doing. It's time for me to stop wasting my time and tears on them. I have made it this far with just the illusion of their support, now it's time to give up the illusion and keep moving on.

17 weeks and WTF?

So my maternity leave has officially run out. (this is how I know it's been 17 weeks, I had stopped counting the weeks since Reid died.) I know lots of DBM's have had to go back to work much sooner than this so I will understand if you think I am being a big whiny spoiled baby because I don't want to go back to work, but I need to vent.

I know that I am not ready to go back to work, but since I am not seeing a doctor regularly and am not heavily medicated, I am being "encouraged" to start seeing a counselor or psychiatrist by the insurance company that provides disability coverage to my employer. I had to do a phone interview today and it seems that if I can force myself to function for my daughter I should be able to do it for work too. (Yes, my job helping oil companies destroy the environment should be as important to me as my living child.) It is awful having your grief evaluated like it's a broken arm or herniated disk. And the twice a month support group meetings mean nothing to them. My employer has an Employee Assistance Program that we are supposed to access by internet. I am supposed to feel supported by a company that offers "e-Counselling" and has these statements on their website:

"The model of counselling is primarily cognitive-behavioural and short-term in focus, with clearly defined and achievable behaviour-change goals."

and

"Our unique, solution-focused approach focuses on enabling individuals, couples and families to develop the skills necessary to solve their life problems without creating a long-term dependent counselling relationship."

So my dead child is a life problem that I can develop skills to solve? And I wouldn't want to depend on a counselor for help over the long term because my dead child problem can be resolved with a short-term solution? WTF? Seriously?

If they can offer "e-Counselling" why can't I list all you ladies as my "e-Counsellors"? I certainly trust your advice more than anything that will come from these people.

I want MY life back. I want to be "normal". I want to be happy to run into people I haven't seen in months (Of course if I had my life back I probably would have seen these people months ago.) I want to be able to love babies again. I want to not have to literally flee the room when people show up with babies (to an event whose rules said REGISTERED CHILDREN ONLY - MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS FOR YOUR OTHER CHILDREN) I want to not have to worry about having a break down in the kids section of the library and scaring small children.

Now I don't know what to do

I was right, I have messed up my living child. After DH's birthday, I thought D might be using Reid's death to try to get what she wanted. Well, she isn't really trying to manipulate us, but she thinks that she should say "I miss Baby Reid" every time we ask her why she is sad/crying. This morning she started crying when we told her she couldn't watch her favourite TV show (it's not on on the weekends). When she quit crying, we asked her why she was sad and of course it was "I miss Baby Reid." We told her that it's okay to miss Reid but he isn't the only reason to be sad and she shouldn't use him like that because it hurts our feelings. I'm guessing she understood none of that but we will see. ARGH. I am just so frustrated. I don't know how to deal with my own issues about Reid's death, let alone hers. I better start saving for the child psychologist bills now.

What is the point of trying?

I was trying to be a normal mom for my daughter today. I was getting ready to take her to a birthday party. (I had checked ahead to make sure that there would be no babies less than 6 months old at the party). I thought "I'll just check my email before we leave" and not knowing that there was a bomb waiting in my inbox. Yet another person is about to have baby and of course they are all perky and confident that they can make plans to do things with their baby 2 weeks from now. I almost threw up. I still made it out the door and to the birthday party but as soon as we got home and I put D in bed, I had a huge melt down on the kitchen floor.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

I can't even stay away for a few hours. I went back on FB to check on friend who claimed to be having mid-life crisis (I am so glad I have at least 1 friend who doesn't have kids) just to see if I could guess what was going on and there it is, yet another baby announcement. And of course, it's another boy. And I am a total wreck again.

It's not just that I am angry and sad because Reid is gone. It' s that yet another person who was supposed to be my friend, (I even personally called her to tell her about Reid) didn't call me to tell me that her baby had arrived. (He has born over a week ago). The kid is out and safe, I don't think she has to worry about me jinxing her pregnancy anymore. This is just the kind of cheering up I needed to go with the rapid approach of the 3 month milestone on Saturday. (And my hair is all falling out as well, another gift that comes after having a baby whether they are alive or not)

More self -torture

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I keep getting bored and looking at FB and I keep getting smacked upside the head with baby crap. "We're expecting boy#4", "I'm done work for the next 13 months", "Why won't this baby come out already?", "Look how cute my baby is". I don't need to check FB, it emails me if there's a message, why can't I stop? Better yet, why can't I be the one obnoxiously posting pictures of my almost 3 month old?

I can still cry

Well Sadkitty was right, all it takes is one wrong thing and you are a basket case all over again. Last night I made a slightly bitter comment and got " be grateful for what you have" from my dad. I fled the room in tears and only stopped crying long enough to get D bathed and into bed. Then I spent the rest of evening crying myself to sleep. He tried to apologize, but he doesn't understand that D is the only reason that I haven't said to hell with the world and spent the last 10 weeks curled up in bed. Holy shit, it's been 10 weeks. Yeah, now I can say "This has been the worst 10 weeks of my life."

June 3rd

Reid should be 2 months old today. The worst thing I should have to deal with is whether or not to start his immunizations on the recommended schedule. Now everything is crappy and shitty and completely fucked up.

Thanks universe...

for yet another giant "FUCK YOU!". Yet another friend has delivered a beautiful perfect healthy baby BOY. Yay, another child to watch grow up and remind me of what we lost when Reid died. It's not that I didn't want her to have a healthy baby, but why couldn't she have a girl?

No "good" nights

I thought that Thursday was a "good" day. (At least as good a day as you can have when you have a pelvic exam and the last 6 weeks of time weren't erased/rewound.) So then why the f@#k am I awake at 3:42 am and have been awake for the last 2 hours? I hated it when I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night while I was pregnant. I would lay there with my mind wandering all over the place. Thinking about all the things I wanted to do before the baby came, what to name the baby, how was D going to adjust to the baby, how would I function with a almost 3 year old and a baby. I had no idea that it could get so much worse. Now I lay there trying not to break out into huge loud sobs because I should be able to function just fine because there is no baby keeping me up at night. How was I supposed to know that I would end up in a place where I was desperately wishing that I had a screaming baby in my house at 3:55 in the morning? Why didn't somebody warn me that my life was about to be completely FUBAR'd?