Sunday, July 18, 2010

Now I don't know what to do

I was right, I have messed up my living child. After DH's birthday, I thought D might be using Reid's death to try to get what she wanted. Well, she isn't really trying to manipulate us, but she thinks that she should say "I miss Baby Reid" every time we ask her why she is sad/crying. This morning she started crying when we told her she couldn't watch her favourite TV show (it's not on on the weekends). When she quit crying, we asked her why she was sad and of course it was "I miss Baby Reid." We told her that it's okay to miss Reid but he isn't the only reason to be sad and she shouldn't use him like that because it hurts our feelings. I'm guessing she understood none of that but we will see. ARGH. I am just so frustrated. I don't know how to deal with my own issues about Reid's death, let alone hers. I better start saving for the child psychologist bills now.


Angela said...

I have no idea what to tell you, but let me recommend Hello Grief. ( This website focuses on all aspects of loss, but it has a lot of information on childhood bereavement and how to help a child through the loss of a sibling. Maybe you can find an answer here. I'm sorry I don't have a better answer. This sounds like a really hard situation.

Anonymous said...

That is so difficult. :( I wish I had advice. But I think you explained it very well.. I would imagine you just need to keep explaining it when it happens again. <3

Lara + Chris said...

She's at an age where she doesn't really understand. It will get better, I promise. Right now I think she's parroting what she sees and hears. I think you're doing the right thing by talking it out.

Maybe try something like this:

"D, sometimes mommy and daddy are sad because Reid isn't here. But that's not the only reason to be sad. Mommy was sad yesterday when she accidentally broke a glass. Daddy was sad when he hurt his finger. Right now, you're not sad because you miss Reid. Can you tell me why you think you're sad?" (see what she says) "You're sad because Dora isn't on TV right now. It's important that we think about the real reason we are sad and talk about that." Then do some role playing games with her - do something obvious (like drop something, or fake hurt yourself, or whatever) and have her guess why you are sad. Then switch and have her pretend to be sad for various reasons and you guess.

You (and she) will get there. You're not messing your kid up for life, I promise!

B said...

I read a book recently that said no matter how young a child is when they are bereaved, it's a good option to find a bereavement counsellor who's unconnected, so the child doesn't get upset by say something that is true for them but that sets you (ie the adult, not you personally) off into the depths of grief or anger or revulsion. it might help if you could do that? i know she's only young but she needs someone to talk to too. even another adult who isn't so close to you might be able to help.

it must be so hard for you and you are doing so well. i'm sure you're not doing her any damage. she's just working through this the best way she knows how. as are you. xxx