zombie

Sorry for the long absence. I was operating an intellectual level just above "zombie" when C.S. was having good nights then the f-ing time change happened and C.S. has had 2 really retched nights in a row and now I just want to stumble around moaning "brains, brains" (as in I wish I had some).

Before that I was using what little free time C.S. allowed me to do things with diapers. First I sewed three new diapers for D's baby doll Bella. Then I attempted to strip C.S.'s diapers. (Still working on that as I didn't get all the smell out.) Then I tried selling some diapers we have outgrown. (Half done that, anyone want some size S covers?). Then I went shopping for some more pocket diapers for C.S.'s butt during the night. And in between there is the regular washing of C.S.'s diapers. I love cloth diapering my babies, but I will be happy when I can just do the regular changing and washing.

I feel bad about not blogging and commenting, but can't seem to string together coherent sentences most of the time. And I know that I am better off doing things for my kids who are here while thinking of the one who is not, instead of writing about one who is not (and all yours as well) and thinking about how I should be doing things for the kids who are here. A year and a half ago, I would have definitely chosen the second option so I guess I have made progress.

23 Months

23 months still hurts. I still want my baby boy to be here. I still feel overwhelmingly grateful to anyone who mentions his name. I still need to find ways for Reid to be a visible part of my family.

23 months is a lot like 11 months. All I can think about is that there is only one more month until Reid's birthday. So many of my thoughts about him already center around disbelief that it has been nearly 2 years and wondering how we will mark that day. I just want to do something nice together as a family that day, maybe a trip to a museum or art gallery, and of course there will be cupcakes for breakfast.



I am having major pangs of guilt for not wearing my "Reid" bracelet 24-7 right now. I still want to wear it, but it keeps pressing into C.S.'s head while I am nursing her. I want her to know about her big brother, but literally stamping his name into the side of her head is taking things too far, even for me. I am trying to promise myself that once she is bigger I will start wearing it all the time again and not leave it sitting on my dresser unless there is a special event (like my wedding rings, I am a bad wife.)

End of February Craftiness

I have been planning to sew D a skirt for months as she is in a very long "I have to wear a dress/skirt every day" phase. The plan was to make it after I finished the Tinkerbell Halloween costume but that plan got derailed by the bedrest. I started using this pattern but when I was nearly finished I realized that it was WAY too short so I had to move the patterned layer down to cover the seam for extra 3 inches of fabric I added to to the bottom. Luckily it still looks pretty good and more importantly, D likes it.

Obviously it works for dancing. Don't ask me why she chose green tights to go with it. 

The only other sewing I managed to get done in February was making soaker pads to stuff in my nursing bra so I don't drench the side C.S. is not nursing on. (They are definitely not beautiful but so very necessary to prevent constantly having milk patches on my shirts.) In March I am hoping to make some new outfits for D's dolls, a sleep sack for C.S. and a ring sling for a baby gift.Hopefully it will be a good distraction from dreading the upcoming birthday.

Almost 7 weeks

C.S. is still growing like crazy. She has pudgy cheeks and thigh rolls and is getting close to outgrowing 0-3 month sleepers lengthwise. She smiles now (although not for a camera) and is noticing the world around her. 

She also refuses to sleep during the day unless she is sleeping on one of her parents. And it seems that she will sleep in her bassinet by herself during the night (knock on wood) if she has a few good naps during the day so we are sacrificing time during the day in order to get good sleeps at night. She will nap in a sling or mei tai but I'm not ready for newborn back carries yet and not all jobs can be done with a baby attached to my front so I'm still feeling like I have no time to myself.  (She is in my Baby Hawk between me and the computer as I sneak in this blogging time.)

I constantly wonder how I ever would have coped without D.G. here with us. (Lots of frozen pizza for supper and lots of TV for D are the likely answers.) Which leads to wondering how I would have coped with a younger D and a newborn Reid if he had lived. Was the old me somehow more capable along with  more optimistic, trusting and forgiving? I do remember thinking I could manage to be a good mom to D and Reid. In that wonderful world where we get to raise all our children, I am somehow caring for all three of them and am damn grateful for every dirty diaper, load of laundry and grocery bill they generate.

No time

C.S. likes to keep me (well at least one part of my anatomy) right next to her all evening right now and I'm trying to get some projects accomplished and spend more time with D during the day so there isn't much time for blogging. On top of that we are going to have company (3 different sets of visitors) every day for the next week so that will leave even less time. I miss my quality time with the internet, but I know it will be here waiting for me.

I was a bit worried that C.S. was nursing non-stop because she wasn't getting enough milk, but when she was weighed and had gained 12 oz in 8 days I learned that milk supply is clearly not a problem. Oh well at least I still get to eat whatever I want whenever I want. (and still lose weight! Go ahead and hate me for it.) I have definitely been making up for the decreased chocolate intact during my pregnancy. I wonder if I have started making chocolate flavoured milk yet?

I want to punch someone

" This pregnancy thing is a breeze... "

This is a direct quote from a fb status of one of my SIL's best friends. She has serious health issues that could make her pregnancy high-risk and she knows about Reid and has other friends who are infertile, yet she is posting crap like this. It just makes me so angry to see things like this, even as I sit nursing my beautiful daughter. Pregnancy is not a breeze, it's hard work physically, emotionally, mentally. It's a freaking endurance test that exhausts and terrifies incredibly strong women. It's the exact opposite of a breeze, it's a tornado of emotional and/or physical challenges and I just want to punch anyone who thinks differently.