C.S. fell this evening and knocked out one of her front teeth. She is doing fine so far and was amazingly calm and cooperative once we got past the initial bleeding and shock. The dentist thought she would heal up jut fine but we are waiting for an appointment with a paediatric specialist. I however am devastated. I know she hasn't been disabled or become seriously ill, but I feel like I've broken my baby, my rainbow baby, my "second" chance. My beautiful little girl has been changed in an instant and every time I see the difference in her I feel horrible for not protecting her better.
And just to make the evening more fun, my check engine light came on while I was driving C.S. to the dentist and now have to find a way to get it in to the shop before the holiday weekend starts. I also need to find a way to get around without my vehicle and it's started snowing again so walking isn't a great option.
4 is hard. It's not the unending agony and sadness of 1, but it's still
hard. At 4, you have you traditions established and you actually start
to enjoy the day, but the days around it are still painful and grey. At
4, you still feel angry with the universe for the birthday boy not being
here and with all the people who either forgot to or didn't bother to
acknowledge that someone in our family should be 4. At 4, you have the ability to keep the veneer of "normal" in place most of the time, but some times it feels like underneath the veneer you are just as broken as you ever were.
The wonderful Merry asked her on-line (and IRL) friends to join her in making daffodil crafts to mark what should be Freddie' 4th birthday on April 2nd. I decided on crochet daffodils and went looking on Ravelry for patterns. The first one can be found here on Attic24. It's a cute pattern but it didn't come out perfectly for me. I lay all the blame on the cotton yarn I used because it's a nice pattern and I really liked that it was all worked together and I didn't have to sew in a dozen ends.
For the second pattern which I found here, I switched to acrylic yarn and although the colour isn't perfect, I love the results. All the parts are sewn separately which was less than ideal, but I love the shape of the petals.
I must admit to completely cheating for the pictures. I pinned the daffodils to the sofa and draped the green yarn down to be the stems because I lack the ambition to figure out how to make proper stems.
Happy Birthday sweet Freddie. I promise to take some pictures for your mum when the daffodils here bloom in May.
Hello....is anyone out there? I'm still here and I still want to write but I seem to have lost the ability to express myself. From the outside I look like a functioning human being, but on the inside I feel like a complete disaster.
Next week will be 4 years since Reid died. I always thought that by the 4 year mark I'd be some kind of better or normal or okay.