Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Catching up

The MIL left right on schedule on Friday morning and because Cleo had a rough night and ended up in bed with me, I was able to sleep through her entire departure. D.G. and I had some less than pleasant discussions about the visit (I admit I hid out in our room or C.S.'s whenever she needed to nurse/nap and for once was completely happy about how frequently she wants to nurse.) but we are both tired of being stressed about a someone who is only in our lives due to obligation so we will ignore the subject for a good long while.

It was a lovely weekend here. Spring finally made an appearance and we spent as much time as possible outside. We brought out D's playhouse and the 3-seater swing from under their winter tarps. I was able to sit on the swing and nurse C.S. and think about how assembling that swing was the last thing we did before I went into labour with Reid and not completely fall apart. C.S. has now eaten outside numerous times and had a couple of outdoor naps too. She really dislikes wearing a sun hat which we will have to work on so I don't have to spend the whole summer carrying an umbrella.

On Saturday morning, C.S. and I helped set a world record. She was one of 6,550 babies changed into a cloth diaper at the same time all around the world. There were 97 babies changed at The Mall here in Edmonton and it was a lovely crunchy-granola mommy fest with cloth diapers and babywearing and breastfeeding all over the place. I wish we had events like this to go to every week.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Half over and a Giveaway

Only a day and a half left and there are 2 nights in that day and a half. I may get through this with some sanity intact.

Yesterday I cleaned C.S.'s room and today D.G. and I ran errands. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you are hiding out or running away. It's also amazing how much I love my new phone and the ability to blog and/or play Scra.bble while hiding out.

Speaking of accomplishing things I have been meaning to have a small give away. I have a small pile of OPKs and HPTs that I won't be needing. Does anyone out there want them? They don't expire until 2014 so even if you aren't planning to ttc for a while they will still work. Leave me a comment if you want me to send them your way.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Grit my teeth and get through it

My MIL is coming for a visit. Not my idea, not D.G.'s idea but he feels obligated to let her come and I am trying to tolerate it for his sake. She arrives in a little over 6 hours but more importantly she leaves in about 78 hours. I can do this, it's less than a hundred hours, just avoid being left alone with her and it all be over soon.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Another way loss has changed me

A normal mom whose new baby sleeps through the night will wake up and rush to the baby's crib to see if they are okay.

Me, I wake and realize that C.S. has slept through the night and I wait a few minutes to go check on her because I know if something terrible has happened, it is now too late to stop it. I want a few more minutes of the life where she is probably alive. There's no point in rushing into a place where your heart is crushed into a million pieces again.

C.S. is fine this time, but I know there is no guarantee that it will always be that way.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

3 months or My girls are growing up!

Here she is, all 13 lb 13 oz of C.S. She is just about done with the 3 month sized clothes, but that is at least partly due to the fluffy cloth diaper bum. She refuses to nap unless someone is holding (or wearing) her but sleeps so well in her crib at night that I am afraid to tell people for fear of jinxing it. (I have had a few "rush to her room and check if she is still breathing" moments because of the good sleeping too.) She smiles a lot and is starting to pay more attention to the world around her. She also started drooling like crazy this week and I'm scared she will get teeth at 4 months like D.

My first baby is growing up too. We went to an information night at D's future school tonight. I can't believe she will start Kindergarten in September. We were the only parents there with a newborn, but the mom of one of D's friends from preschool was there with her belly (due in May) so D will not be the only one with a baby sibling. We will have to see how the teacher handles it when D announces that our other baby died.

C.S. had nearly outgrown our bassinet so we sold it last Sunday. It was one of the few things that we bought in preparation for Reid so it was hard to let it go. The other big purchase in anticipation of a 2nd child was the car I drive so I still have that one. Also I have decided that I want a wrap conversion mei tai and need the money to pay for it. (Thinking of either a DidyTai or a  local custom conversion of a Didy but I would have to buy the wrap first.)
I meant to post this yesterday but I tripped walking up the stairs holding C.S. and D.G.'s D-SLR camera so I sacrificed my body to protect the baby and the camera. I spent the rest of the evening with an ice pack on my knee. I spent today complaining about my "owie" knee but my family was not nearly sympathetic enough.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Reid's 2nd

Thank you for all the lovely messages in honour of Reid's birthday. I wanted to post something sooner but I was felled, not by a wall of grief, but by a combination of a nasty cold, the responsibility of caring for my two girls and a helping of grief too.

We started the day with cupcakes for breakfast. This year they were chocolate with peanut butter icing. I choose to believe that Reid would have liked the same foods as the living members of the family and therefore would have loved these.

We picked up balloons the day before and D wrote some notes for her brother.

D went to school that morning, giving me time to cry without upsetting her. When she came home, we got her and C.S. dressed in their new t-shirts. (I have even cuter pictures but the light was too bright and I don't have the energy to edit photos right now.) I also ordered a Thing 2 t-shirt in size 2T for Reid. D.G. didn't get it but I know you all do.

We went out for lunch and then spent the afternoon at the science centre. Of course someone had to ask where Thing 2 was and was totally shocked when D told him that Thing 2 died.

Neither of our families acknowledged Reid's birthday in any way, except for one of my cousins who sent a nice email last week. The only non-DBM friends I heard from were R and G who have been amazing through the last 2 years. G, who can always be counted on to send me red daisies, came through again.

This birthday was so different from last year. Of course having C.S. here is part of it, but that's not all. I alternated between wanting to spend the evening of the 2nd and early morning of the 3rd sitting vigil like I did last year and wanting to just be okay with it being a normal evening. The compromise ended up being watching basketball with D.G. and nursing C.S. while "I can't believe that it's the night before Reid's birthday and I'm watching basketball." repeated over and over in my head. (I NEVER watch basketball.) This April 3rd still hurt, a lot, but it wasn't as devastating as last year. It's kind of strange to not be devastated but I am trying not to feel guilty about that. I do still have to get through Easter this weekend which will forever be intertwined with Reid's death for me so there may still be some emotional devastation waiting around the corner for me.

Monday, April 2, 2012

For Freddie

Merry, I hope our boys are somewhere where they get cupcakes for their birthdays.

Sunday, April 1, 2012


It's April. The count down to Reid's birthday is in hours, not days. I try to go back to sleep at night and end up sobbing. It all sucks.

Except for C.S., she is wonderful.