Friday, October 22, 2010

A trip I didn't plan for

...but before you get excited and/or envious, it's a guilt trip.

Hi to all the ICLWers. Welcome to my messed up corner of the internet.

When I got up this morning, I thought I would have a nice fluffy post today about how I finally got off my ass and did something "for myself" as many people have been telling (nagging) me to do. However any fluffy happy feelings have been crushed by a phone call from my mom so it will be a big, whiny, bitchy post today.

While I generally avoid most people's phone calls, I almost always answer the phone when my mom calls. D likes talking to her grandma and I can ask about what's going on with my parents' farm, a topic which does not involve pregnancy or babies (living or dead) at all. I pretty much avoid talking about what's going on emotionally but I still at least talk to her.

Today my mom decided she needed to dump all her worries about me out there and shift through them. First she accused my of not going to counseling which I go to twice a month. Secondly she accused me of pushing everyone away. I had to ask where the line up of people trying to help me was because I hadn't seen it yet. It's hard to push away people who won't come close enough to even ask how I am doing. Then she started talking about God which always means we are going on a guilt trip ( and she is really good at taking me a guilt trips). Lets see if I can remember all the things I am doing wrong on that front: I am not taking D to church/Sunday school, I am not making my husband go to church and believe what she thinks he should believe, I am not being forgiving enough of the "friend" who stopped communicating with me (not that she's contacted me in any way, I'm supposed to reach out to her), I am not thankful enough for the things that I do have and and yes the big one, I am not accepting that Reid's death was part of God's plan so that means that it must have happened for the best.

All of those things make me so mad. I could probably write for days on how they make me angry and how her way of thinking just doesn't work for me, especially the part about Reid's death being something that God decided should happen. I am fine with her believing what ever she wants to about God but she shouldn't be allowed to try to make me feel bad for not believing the same things. She would say she is trying to help, but I don't need anyone making feel any worse than I do already.

And now I am pretty sure that this means that she is not going to be understanding of my feelings at all if I have a hard time dealing with the birth of my brother's child next month. The same brother who has never even mentioned Reid to me, not even a generic "I'm sorry about what happened to you". If I point that out to my mom, I'll just get another lecture on being the bigger person and forgiving him. There won't be any acceptance of the fact that seeing other people having babies just reminds me of what I lost and that it causes me pain. I guess I better start packing for that guilt trip now.

(And will someone please remind of this rant 25 years from now so that I can avoid doing the same thing to my daughter.)


Amanda said...

This sounds familiar! My brother was totally not there for me when Stella died. He called and said he wanted to come visit during a time I wasn't home. Then even though he doesn't work all summer he never came to see me. Now it's practically Christmas again, a year since I last saw him and my mom expects me be happy about this! She is always telling me forget about it and forgive him. I'm sorry but I won't ever be forgetting that he wasn't there for me.

B said...

i think some of my friends think i've pushed people away (and i kind of think my mum thought i did it too for a while). i'd love to know where the queue of people waiting to help are too. maybe they're queueing far away so they don't disturb us??????

if your mum phones and starts on all that with you, i think you're well within your rights to tell her that you don't want to talk right now, kthxbye *click* or claim that D has spilled a drink and you need to go clean it up RIGHTNOW.

if you know the kind of things she's going to say, you don't have to sit there and take it. it's not fair of her to lay her issues onto you and i give you full permission to refuse to deal with it. you have plenty to deal with without that.

i'm sorry you've had such a tough day hon.

Stephanie said...

Do we have the same brother? Seriously, I have had this same convo. with my mom about my brother's complete lack of support, an "i am sorry," a freaking card even. . . I got nothing for loosing Amelia. But I sure do get lectured about 'remembering His b-day, and forgiving him ~ because he has his own problems, blah, blah, blah.

As far as the 'this is in God's plan' ~ that is just dangerous territory. I am a Christian, and I don't for ONE MINUTE believe that God takes babies . . . I happen to believe that it is not Him at all, and that He cries with me each time I do. This is something that no parent should be subjected to listening to. It is just another horrible justification that people use because they so desperately want to make sense of the senseless. You don't have listen.

Anonymous said...

This is my first time to your blog but something tells me you're not in danger of giving your daughter a similar rant 25 years from now. Compassion comes largely from understanding, and with all due respect, your mother doesn't seem to get it nor care to get it. Not that I'm close to truly understanding your loss, but in place of your brother and your missing line of people, let me say that I'm sorry. I'm going to have a hard time with the birth of my brother's baby in a few months and that's nowhere a similar situation to yours. I can't even imagine the pain.

JenM said...

First let me say, I am so sorry for the loss of your son Reid. I went back and read your post about the day he was born, and I am heartbroken for you. I am sorry that you are having a hard time with your Mom, and while it sounds like she thinks she has your best interest at heart, I don't see how she can't see that what she says would hurt you.

Thank you for stopping by my blog today, and take care.

Violet1122 said...


That someone would say those things to your face is bad enough, but how awful that it was your own mother.

The whole "it was all a part of God's plan" thing is SO offensive. I get enraged every time I hear mention of something like this. That is what people say when they don't want to deal with sadness anymore, and they want it all to go away. Of course, only the people who aren't directly involved with babyloss say things like this.

Sounds like you will need to protect yourself from your family for awhile.

I'm so, so sorry you got a phone call like this today. You know - even though life sucks right now - you are doing OK. The day will come when you are ready to be more social and involved - but that is when you are damn good and ready for it. Not one minute before.

((Big Hugs))

June said...

Hey lady, stopping by to say hello...

I'm sorry for your loss of Reid ... I think you are doing what you need to do and that having someone criticize your or tell you otherwise is only harmful.

I have a similar mother -- who is wonderful with the guilt trips. Yet, I always felt I needed to be there for her, or help her out when she did or didn't need it ...

I went to therapy and learned that I needed to just distance myself from that negativity. My mom is an adult and should understand ... it was hard, but I did it. We have a better relationship now, b/c I avoid her when things just aren't "right". She doesn't know that I do that or why... I would never tell her my therapist thinks she's a bad influence, but I work with it now.

I don't know if that sounds confusing. ANyway, glad you got this rant off your chest into blog world where you can receive some genuine validation...

Juni :

Lisa said...

Ihave no doubt that people who believe as your mother does, truly have a sincere conviction that God takes away with purpose. I am not one of them. My inability to make sense of that religious philosophy in light of the atrocities of war and natural disaster, violence and evil in the world, is what has come between me and organized religion.

What is particularly upsetting to me is that your mother can't see beyond religious doctrine to the pain and loss you are suffering. The same thing holds for her insistence that you forgive your brother, despite him showing less than "Christian values" of compassion, kindness and generosity of spirit. It has obviously put a huge wedge between you, even though you still talk to her. I'm sorry to hear this, because if you are avoiding others, and feeling like some people are avoiding you, then she is someone you could really use in your corner. I hope that some day you and your mother can have an open conversation, allowing you to tell her how let down you feel by her attitude. Otherwise, this will continue to chip away at your relationship and cause lasting damage.

As far as your brother goes, could you send him a card telling him how you feel about his lack of sensitivity? My experience has been that many men, no matter what relationship they have to the grieving parents, can't cope with their emotions around pregnancy loss. He may be horrified to realize how much he has hurt you.

Lisa (Your Great Life - ICLW #63)

Kristin said...

I am so very sorry you aren't getting the support you need. It's so sad when people chose to say nothing because they are uncomfortable or don't know what to say. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers.

ICLW #14

Dana said...

It is so hard to hear people say these kinds of things, but especially when it is your own mother. And I know that everyone has their problems, but I just can't deal them alot of them right now...some days I can barely deal with my own. People who haven't been in our shoes just don't understand.

When an acquaintance tells me that Jacob's death was part of God's plan, I write off their friendship pretty quickly and don't bother trying anymore. But family has also said that to me and there is nothing you can do about that. Sometimes they just don't know what to say and they think that helps. I'm sure they would hate themselves for saying that once tragedy strikes them directly.

My sister is 13 weeks pregnant. She did ask if I minded if they started trying about 1.5 months after Jacob died and I told her to go ahead. But I hate seeing her belly. As much as I don't want anything bad to happen to her baby (just the thought makes me sick), it isn't easy to see her growing belly. It isn't easy that her baby will be the next one added to the family that everyone will gush over, not Jacob. I totally understand where you are coming from with your brother's baby.

I'm sorry that you can't just talk to your Mom about how you feel and have her reply in a kind, understanding way. That's what Mom's should do. It sucks that you don't have that. I hope that you have someone else in your life that you can do this with. Of course, you have all of us BLM's.

I am pretty sure that you won't do this to your daughter in 25 years.

butterflymom said...

Honestly, are we sisters?! I felt like this was my post. But anyways, I'm so sorry that your mom called you and is putting pressure on you to follow what she wants for you. You are doing what's best for you...and dealing with what you have been dealt the best way you can. That is all your mom can ask for! And all she really should be asking for. I'm so proud of all you have done for yourself and for Reid. Be proud too, Car. You are an amazing mother and person. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

You have every right to be angry from what I read ! I hope you tell them how you feel. They should be there for you or at least tell you they are sorry you lost your son. They should have a guilt trip, not you.

Jessica said...

First of all - holy crap - you have plenty of reason to be mad - I would have been pissed! Secondly that is awful about your brother - I am so sorry he has never even mentioned Reid. I think we could all keep journals of what our mothers did to make us mad so that someday we would not do the same thing to our kids...

Anonymous said...

Wow- just wow. I wish I had words of comfort on this one but i think the only thing I could have done with this situation is use one word.

I am so sorry about your brother. that one stung me right in the chest.
I feel for you Car....

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I am so sorry that your ICLW has to be interrupted by such a sad and unfair conversation with your mom. I am glad that you can get the support you need to know there is nothing wrong about how you are feeling or doing and it's about mom's anxiety and not yours.

Also, I love the beautiful picture of Reid from the previous post.