Compulsive researching

I am a compulsive internet researcher. I can't buy anything without spending hours online trying to find the best product for me or DH or D. When DH wanted to make himself "better" coffee, I was the one on the coffee snob forums even thought I NEVER drink coffee. When DH thought we should get a DSLR camera, I was the one reading photography blogs. I cannot buy anything worth more than $99.99 spontaneously, I must google it first to see if anyone else likes it, hates it or can't live without it.

Maybe this is another reason why I am so addicted to dead baby blogs. Maybe I am researching how everyone else is dealing with their babyloss and trying to find a model of dead baby mama-hood that I can learn to live with ( since there's no chance of going to the baby returns department and telling them, "Excuse me you seem to have given me the wrong baby, I'm pretty sure that my baby was alive and this one is dead")

Now I am applying my compulsive researching powers to a new laptop which will allow me to indulge my babyloss blog addiction whenever I want without depriving DH of time playing online video games. (We clearly have very different ideas of therapy as he feels better after virtually blowing up strangers and I like hanging out with other dead baby mamas.) Now I am dividing my time between tech blogs and laptop reviews and trying to figure out if I can be happy with an 11" netbook or a 13" laptop while DH whispers in the background that I should get a Mac. (could it really be worth all that extra money?) Oh well I suppose it might be "healthy" to obsess about something not technically related to dead babies or trying to make a non-dead baby for a while.

Still mush

The feelings are still here (no danger of the anger, bitterness and sadness disappearing anytime soon) but the words just won't come. I read so many blogs, but I can't string together any comments that don't sound totally useless and lame. (but I am definitely reading and thinking of you all)

Tomorrow is my appointment with the counselor from DH"s employee assistance program. I think it will be an initial screening and I hope they have someone who specializes in grief that I can see after this. Hopefully whoever I see tomorrow at least has a clue about dealing with pregnancy loss or infant death. (With my luck it will be a 50 year old man who has never had kids.)

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(Okay brief intermission because Family Guy is on and Brian and Stewie were singing "Everything is Better with a Bag of We.ed". For the first time ever, I wish I wasn't asthmatic so I could test that theory. Would having a dead baby be better with a bag of we.ed? hee hee)
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We are taking D camping for the first time this weekend. It will be interesting (we will see how much any of us sleeps), but in the end I'll end up thinking that we shouldn't be able to do this because there is no way I'd be sleeping in a tent with a 4 month old. No matter what we do, it always comes back to the fact that it would be different if Reid was here. It's like a broken record in my head. Anyone want to trade records with me?

Back at it

My parents were here visiting for the last 3 days so it's been hard to write anything (posts or comments). When other people are here, I try to hide the bad feelings and limit the bitter, sarcastic comments. I don't know why for sure, maybe it's because I don't want to upset them or because I just know that they won't understand but it just feels like I have to hold things back. Also, only 2 people who know me in real life know about this blog, my husband (who I have asked not to read it) and my DBM pal L, who more than understands and encouraged me to start blogging. I'd like to keep it that way as I think it would only make my parents worry. Anyways the parents have left now so I can go back to being Dead Baby Blog obsessed.

I have been cyber-stalking my friend who is now about a week over due with a baby boy. I keep checking her FB status and blog for news. I know it's is going to hurt so, so bad when the big announcement comes, but I do want to know that everything is ok. I keep wondering if I will get a phone call or not. I thought she was important enough to get a phone call when Reid died, but I have feeling that it will be like the last time a close (or used to be close) friend successfully had a living baby. It will be too "hard" for them to call me before they post it on FB. In my mind people who get to bring home their living breathing babies shouldn't get to make excuses like that, they have someone to cuddle when the "hard" part is over.

(Yikes, I better prepare DH for the freak out that is coming when this baby arrives judging by how upset I am already)

17 weeks and WTF?

So my maternity leave has officially run out. (this is how I know it's been 17 weeks, I had stopped counting the weeks since Reid died.) I know lots of DBM's have had to go back to work much sooner than this so I will understand if you think I am being a big whiny spoiled baby because I don't want to go back to work, but I need to vent.

I know that I am not ready to go back to work, but since I am not seeing a doctor regularly and am not heavily medicated, I am being "encouraged" to start seeing a counselor or psychiatrist by the insurance company that provides disability coverage to my employer. I had to do a phone interview today and it seems that if I can force myself to function for my daughter I should be able to do it for work too. (Yes, my job helping oil companies destroy the environment should be as important to me as my living child.) It is awful having your grief evaluated like it's a broken arm or herniated disk. And the twice a month support group meetings mean nothing to them. My employer has an Employee Assistance Program that we are supposed to access by internet. I am supposed to feel supported by a company that offers "e-Counselling" and has these statements on their website:

"The model of counselling is primarily cognitive-behavioural and short-term in focus, with clearly defined and achievable behaviour-change goals."

and

"Our unique, solution-focused approach focuses on enabling individuals, couples and families to develop the skills necessary to solve their life problems without creating a long-term dependent counselling relationship."

So my dead child is a life problem that I can develop skills to solve? And I wouldn't want to depend on a counselor for help over the long term because my dead child problem can be resolved with a short-term solution? WTF? Seriously?

If they can offer "e-Counselling" why can't I list all you ladies as my "e-Counsellors"? I certainly trust your advice more than anything that will come from these people.

Need my fix

My internet fix that is. We are at my MIL's and the only computer is in the middle of the living room so not a good place for writing or reading dead baby blogs. (everyone except D is out running errands so I have about 10 minutes to get caught up). I think I am just as addicted to blogs and Glow In The Woods (which I think of as Dead Baby Facebook) as I ever was to Facebook. Of course now I can claim that these sites have theraputic value so I don't feel bad about this addiction at all. Can't wait to get home to my laptop.

I can still cry

Well Sadkitty was right, all it takes is one wrong thing and you are a basket case all over again. Last night I made a slightly bitter comment and got " be grateful for what you have" from my dad. I fled the room in tears and only stopped crying long enough to get D bathed and into bed. Then I spent the rest of evening crying myself to sleep. He tried to apologize, but he doesn't understand that D is the only reason that I haven't said to hell with the world and spent the last 10 weeks curled up in bed. Holy shit, it's been 10 weeks. Yeah, now I can say "This has been the worst 10 weeks of my life."

1 Month

Reid would have been 1 month old today. I am miserable and alone. (well alone for now cause it's nap time) I told myself that it would be good to spend my first day without DH or my mom alone with D, but that's not true. I don't want to have to remind anyone what today is, I want them to be already thinking about it.

Thanks to my IRL friend and fellow DBM (dead baby mama), L for remembering Reid's "1 month anniversary". I thought that some other people might remember too, but so far there's been nothing and that really hurts. DH had to spend the whole day at a conference today so I can forgive him not thinking of it this morning, but I will lose it if he doesn't acknowledge the day when he gets home tonight. I know men in general aren't big on anniversary's and dates, but DH knows that I like to mark milestones even if they are crappy ones.

I spent most of the weekend reading every blog listed under Stillbirth here. I was desperately looking for someone whose babyloss story was like ours. After reading the history of every blog on there, I found just one that came close. I have spent every free minute since reading her entire blog history. She has turned her tragedy into something positive by co-founding Grieve Out Loud. I am going to "celebrate" Reid's 1 month birthday by writing our story and sending an email to her to thank her for her blog and for letting me know that I was not the only one. Maybe someday my story will help someone else.