Friday, August 6, 2010

Back at it

My parents were here visiting for the last 3 days so it's been hard to write anything (posts or comments). When other people are here, I try to hide the bad feelings and limit the bitter, sarcastic comments. I don't know why for sure, maybe it's because I don't want to upset them or because I just know that they won't understand but it just feels like I have to hold things back. Also, only 2 people who know me in real life know about this blog, my husband (who I have asked not to read it) and my DBM pal L, who more than understands and encouraged me to start blogging. I'd like to keep it that way as I think it would only make my parents worry. Anyways the parents have left now so I can go back to being Dead Baby Blog obsessed.

I have been cyber-stalking my friend who is now about a week over due with a baby boy. I keep checking her FB status and blog for news. I know it's is going to hurt so, so bad when the big announcement comes, but I do want to know that everything is ok. I keep wondering if I will get a phone call or not. I thought she was important enough to get a phone call when Reid died, but I have feeling that it will be like the last time a close (or used to be close) friend successfully had a living baby. It will be too "hard" for them to call me before they post it on FB. In my mind people who get to bring home their living breathing babies shouldn't get to make excuses like that, they have someone to cuddle when the "hard" part is over.

(Yikes, I better prepare DH for the freak out that is coming when this baby arrives judging by how upset I am already)

4 comments:

B said...

i found out one of my (ex-)friends was pregnant from fb. that was the moment the friendship died, the moment that i realised that she didn't care enough even to get *someone else* to call or text or email me, let alone do it herself.

i dropped her as a friend on fb, but still stalk her profile occasionally. i found out from there that she'd had her baby. noone cared enough to let me know. i don't expect her to any more, but still. it kind of hurts that no one else thought.

i hope your DH looks after you. hugs.

Stephanie said...

I too am tired of being a dead baby mama...but we don't get to choose, do we?

And last night my hubby and I had 'that' talk. How we grieve differently and how I am very much still NOT OKAY, and how I need to blog, read blogs, and be a part of this community. It is my sanity for the moment.

Hoping that things get better.

Dana said...

I haven't told anyone how to find my blog either. My sisters know that I have one, but I haven't told them the address. My husband reads it now and then and it usually helps us talk about things.

I hate when I can't check the blogs of the other BLM's. I'm going to the cottage for 2 days and already I'm wondering how it will be not being able to check all the time.

I hope it is easier than anticipated when you find out that your friend has had her baby. I often find the anticipation of events is worse than the actual event.

Thinking of you

butterflymom said...

Oh...friends, babies and FB. It's so hard...and yet we truly work so hard to be happy for them. I feel like I'm doing it constantly since I have now entered the world where everyone (or at least it feels that way) is either pregnant or TTC. I hope it gets easier for you...as I do it does for me too. It's just one of those things where you start to question the "fairness of things..." thinking about you..