Friday, May 14, 2010

No "good" nights

I thought that Thursday was a "good" day. (At least as good a day as you can have when you have a pelvic exam and the last 6 weeks of time weren't erased/rewound.) So then why the f@#k am I awake at 3:42 am and have been awake for the last 2 hours? I hated it when I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night while I was pregnant. I would lay there with my mind wandering all over the place. Thinking about all the things I wanted to do before the baby came, what to name the baby, how was D going to adjust to the baby, how would I function with a almost 3 year old and a baby. I had no idea that it could get so much worse. Now I lay there trying not to break out into huge loud sobs because I should be able to function just fine because there is no baby keeping me up at night. How was I supposed to know that I would end up in a place where I was desperately wishing that I had a screaming baby in my house at 3:55 in the morning? Why didn't somebody warn me that my life was about to be completely FUBAR'd?


B said...

i've been sleeping really badly this week too. and i wish so hard that it was because there was a screaming baby to be awake for, rather than this silence.

i guess not sleeping is just part of the grief. your mind just doesn't understand what is going on.

'I should be able to function just fine because there is no baby keeping me up at night.' ... yeah - but you are suffering such a huge bereavement. Reid isn't in your arms where he should be, and that's WAY worse than sleep deprivation. You're being really hard on yourself. there are no 'should's about this.

i hope you can get some sleep soon.

Catherine W said...

I can only echo what B has already said. I'm so sorry, the discrepancy between the problems that we worried about before and the grief of what came to pass is just so huge. I wish there were some sort of warning mechanism so that we could have prepared ourselves.

Hope you get some sleep soon. Go easy on yourself, you have been through a terrible loss. Thinking of you and your sweet Reid. xo