Saturday, May 15, 2010

6 weeks and counting

So...today is 6 weeks weeks since Reid's birth/death/whatever you call it when your baby comes out and doesn't have a heart beat. I still want my baby back. I want the 6 week old little boy that should be here with us. There is no clearer way to express my feelings. There have been times in the last 6 weeks when I actually enjoyed myself but they are all tainted because as soon as I have time to think about it, I realize that all those time would have been better if Reid was with me. The best I can hope for is that in the future those realizations will come without an hour of crying my heart out.

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I had my 6 week check up on Thursday. My doctor, who I had never met before we arrived at the hospital in labour, was great. She came in early for my appointment and made sure that the nurses snuck me out the back way after my appointment so I didn't have to see the waiting room full of bellies. I Dr.K. She is one of the good things that have come out of this mess. Unfortunately, she still hasn't got the the full results from the autopsy so we don't know anymore about why he died. That didn't really surprise me although I had hoped to find out something. What did surprise me was that when I asked how long we should wait before ttc again she said to start whenever we are ready. I was really expecting her to say to wait 6 months and so all the "plans" in my head were based on that. So now that there is no medically mandated waiting period, how do I figure out when I am ready to risk it all again?

4 comments:

Glo said...

After I lost Gavin I saw my OB at 3 weeks PP. He said we could try as soon as we wanted (with our next cycle) he actually said "the sooner the better" I was surprised by that.

I know I read plenty about when is the right time to try again. The truth is, the timing is different for everyone. Some people are ready right away and others are never ready.

I think we have to keep in mind a couple of things. A new pregnancy/baby will never replace the baby who has died. Also we need to be prepared emotionally for the possibilities that may come up in a subsequent pregnancy....the good things and the bad things.

((hugs))

therootofallevel said...

every single babylost mama i know wants to get pregnant IMMEDIATELY (myself included.) it's all we seem to think about. it seems like the only way to move forward with life.

i got pregnant five months later and went on to have a miscarriage. it was nearly as devastating as losing my full term son. now, i have absolutely no desire to try any time soon.

it's so important to properly grieve your son right now. getting pregnant again is extremely scary after you experience any type of loss. you will never feel "safe" in your pregnancy and you need to build up your strength to handle it.

please take your time and enjoy life. that might seem impossible, but really, it isn't at all.

xoxo,
julie

B said...

^
what julie says.

thinking of you.

Lareina said...

The happy times are hard for a while... you always wonder in the back of your mind, what you would be doing and what they would be like and all that... I know I still do... but eventually, you do get past the crying your eyes out stage... it just takes time... and lots of tears... but you will get through it...

If you ever want to just talk, I'm only a phone call away and available anytime, day or night.

Making the decision to try again is hard... some people want to do it right away (myself included - as you know) and other's don't... it's hard not to just jump right into it since our "schedule" has been so messed up already...

I don't have a perfect answer for you as to when is best because I don't think it will ever be easy to go through another pregnancy and wait for the living breathing baby on the other side...

We will always be scared of the "what if's" because we know that they really do happen. It's just a matter of being ready to accept those "what if's" if they really do happen...

You will know when the time is right hun... you will... Big Hugz!