So...today is 6 weeks weeks since Reid's birth/death/whatever you call it when your baby comes out and doesn't have a heart beat. I still want my baby back. I want the 6 week old little boy that should be here with us. There is no clearer way to express my feelings. There have been times in the last 6 weeks when I actually enjoyed myself but they are all tainted because as soon as I have time to think about it, I realize that all those time would have been better if Reid was with me. The best I can hope for is that in the future those realizations will come without an hour of crying my heart out.
I had my 6 week check up on Thursday. My doctor, who I had never met before we arrived at the hospital in labour, was great. She came in early for my appointment and made sure that the nurses snuck me out the back way after my appointment so I didn't have to see the waiting room full of bellies. I ♥ Dr.K. She is one of the good things that have come out of this mess. Unfortunately, she still hasn't got the the full results from the autopsy so we don't know anymore about why he died. That didn't really surprise me although I had hoped to find out something. What did surprise me was that when I asked how long we should wait before ttc again she said to start whenever we are ready. I was really expecting her to say to wait 6 months and so all the "plans" in my head were based on that. So now that there is no medically mandated waiting period, how do I figure out when I am ready to risk it all again?