Monday, September 6, 2010

They really are gone

I have been out of contact with most of the real world for three weeks and not shockingly, only a handful of people have tried to contact me (yes, L, I know I owe you a phone call and I am working up to it). I know I shouldn't be surprised but I am still hurt to see that no one else cares enough to check in a see if I am okay. I have been in Dead Baby Land long enough to know that the loss of friendships is an extra bonus that comes with babyloss. I think that almost all of my friends sent emails and cards when Reid died and I felt very supported, but now, 5 months later, the vast majority of these people have not been heard from since.

I don't think that it should come as a surprise to anyone that someone whose baby died might still need support 5 months later. I also don't think that it would be that hard from some of these people to send an email, they aren't the ones who are broken inside. They have normal lives (and in many cases living babies) to go back to after they make a tiny side trip into Dead Baby Land to check on me. I am the one with the dead baby and the lost dreams and I live in Dead Baby Land full-time. I am not going to drag what's left of me over the edge to Dead Baby Land and try to flag them down as they go about their normal lives. It's time for me to get used to the fact that most people who used to be in my life can't or don't want deal with my loss. Yeah, it's "nice" if they are thinking about me, but that doesn't do shit for me if they aren't willing to brave a little bit of Dead Baby Land to let me know that. It's time for me stop expecting that one day one of these people is going to call me up and ask how I'm doing. It's time for me to stop wasting my time and tears on them. I have made it this far with just the illusion of their support, now it's time to give up the illusion and keep moving on.

8 comments:

Lucid Anne said...

I know how you feel... Even my friends who, a month ago, looked horrified that anyone would try and tell me to start moving on- are starting to look uncomfortable, like they hope I move on soon. :\ There are a couple of exceptions but generally its a pretty lonely place where I exist now.

Danae said...

True colors and true friends definitely come out during this journey. We lose friends and make friends during this process. I agree though, we shouldn't have to use what little bit of energy there is left to drag ourselves over and flag them down. They haven't had to adjust to a new normal or ride the roller coaster of emotions.

Sadkitty said...

I hear ya loud and clear. If only it was a land and we were all neighbors...

Jessica said...

I totally understand what you are talking about. I had a miscarriage almost 7 months ago and another less than 3 weeks ago. I was "over" the first one of course according to OTHER people and now that 3 weeks have gone by I am sure I am supposed to be over the 2nd one too. It's ridiculous. I said to someone else today if only all us bloggers lived near each other! Wouldn't that be grand?

Dana said...

I am 3 months out and am surprised when someone says something about Jacob or how sad I must be. It happens so rarely.

My husband keeps telling me not to expect anything from anyone so that I won't be disappointed. I know that he is right, but it is hard to do. Especially for the people who said that they would keep calling and would never forget Jacob. I haven't heard from one particular person (and she is even a babyloss Mom) in 2 months.

Stephanie said...

I know that I have experienced this same thing. I hate living in dead baby land ~ HATE IT...even while being pregnant, it taints everything. Now no one even asks how I am doing because they are afraid of the answer. They want to hear "happy and joyful with this pregnancy" not "still grief stricken and terrified that it will happen again."

I have found myself become this hermit, not answering the phone, planning outtings or doing much of anything. People actually say 'glad to see you out and about' since that is a rarity. It feels like people have given up on me.

I sincerely hope that things turn around for you and that those in your life can offer you more of what you need.

B said...

you've inspired a blog post. i haven't decided whether to actually post it yet, but it felt good to write. so, thank you.

i'm sorry your friends have been so useless. don't you deserve a break?

Lareina said...

I found a post on another dbm's blog and thought you might like to read it... it reminded me of this post. Hugs.

http://ferdinandsgifts.wordpress.com/2010/09/08/branded-chopped-liver-branded-chopped-liver/