Monday, September 13, 2010

It finally happened

I have been waiting for something like this to happen for months now; waiting for someone in our families to deny or at least fail to acknowledge Reid. It finally happened today. My MIL sent us an email with a submission she was planning to send in for a local history book being published about D.G.'s home town. (It's a pretty common thing for small towns in SK to publish history books, my home town did it about 25 years ago and it is WAY smaller than D.G.'s) The line about D.G. mentioned me, D and his job but not Reid. This lead to a less than pleasant exchange between D.G. and myself, a session of sobbing on the bathroom floor for me and then a long emotional discussion after D went to sleep.

The result is that D.G. says he's "OK" with mentioning Reid as long as I am the one to tell his mom. I really want Reid to be mentioned and besides it's a history book, there should be plenty of families with mentions of dead babies over the last 100 years. (If there isn't then, it's not like I have to be there to get weird looks for daring to break the taboo.) However, I don't believe that D.G. is really OK about it. I do believe that he could put it out of his mind and forget about it, but that's not the same. Which should take priority, my need to acknowledge Reid or D.G.'s need to avoid reminders? We are such different places when it comes to grief. (The long emotional discussion revealed just how far apart those places are.) I don't want to hurt him, but I hate the idea of ever pretending that Reid didn't exist.


Catherine W said...

It is so difficult, my husband and I have had discussions along similar lines. At one point he even asked me to stop talking about our other twin.
I can understand why it is important to you to have Reid mentioned. I always feel that mentioning our other daughter is simply 'telling the truth' but it makes my husband uncomfortable on occasion. It isn't because he doesn't love her or remember her, we just do this thing differently. I wish I had some words of advice as to how to resolve this situation but sadly, two years later, we've still got this tension going on. I hope you find something you've both comfortable with. xo

Dana said...

That is so difficult. I lean towards having Reid's name there. He was here and he deserves to have his name there, just like any living child of yours would.

I know how hard it is when our lost babies aren't acknowledged. I had a family reunion in August and I saw an email that my own Mom sent to some of her cousins saying who was coming from her family. She mentioned all of us, our husbands and her "only" grandchild Ben. I got so upset with her. She didn't have to say Jacob since he obviously wouldn't be there, but she didn't have to use the word "only". I talked to her about it, she said all her friends refer to their grandchildren that way if it is their only one. I said most of them don't have a dead grandchild as well as a living one. I gave up. It still bothers me though. I did email her cousin and asked her to include Jacob's name on the family tree she was preparing, which she did. My Grandma's brother died the day after being born and his name was there and alot of people commented on him.

Jessica said...

I would tell your MIL. I personally think that whether taboo or not screw the taboo! These are our children if we have to break a dumb taboo feeling the world has then so be it. More women like us will hopefully do the same and the world will start to acknowledge the billions of lives gone to soon. Much love to you!

Violet1122 said...

This is so hard - my husband and I grieve so differently as well.

I would probably want to mention Reid in the book. But if I called my MIL and asked her - I probably wouldn't say anything to my husband about it.

I wish I had answers.

Lareina said...

That's a hard one... I totally would want Kaelen included in the book as well so would've done the exact same thing. I know the first time dh's dad said he had 5 grandchildren to someone after Kaelen died, I was heartbroken. I don't think he meant anything by it but it hurt. Hugz.

B said...

my husband and i are the same way too. i want to talk, he doesn't. there's no right answer. the only possible answer is to be gentle with each other and for you BOTH to at least try to understand the other's viewpoint. so he has to try and understand that you need to talk about Reid too.

hugs x

Miss Ruby said...

This isn't hard or difficult, it's about family history and Reid is your child, whether he's here or not, he will always be your child and so needs to be included in your history - whether it makes other people [yes even your husband] upset/uncomfortable or not.

As for talking about it, you obviously can't make him talk about it but given time perhaps he will want to talk about it. Men deal and process with emotions very differently to women and in turn need time to be ready to talk about things. At the same time, he perhaps needs to realise that you do need to talk about it - that IS a difficult one.