Sunday, October 17, 2010

Random stuff from the last few days

D.G.'s sister came to visit this weekend. She's great, the best part of his family really and wonderful with D. and doesn't get weirded out when I mention Reid's name. But even with that wonderfulness, I can't take more than 24 hours of having someone else around the house. By this morning, I just wanted to hide out in bed and was escaping into a book every chance I got. I just can't deal with having to be "normal" for any length of time.

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I think I am more mad at the MIL than ever. I did the very mature thing and removed her from my friends list on FB after she thought it was okay to comment on my Oct 15th picture. (Really it always bugged me that in the interests of family harmony I had to be "friends" with my MIL on FB so it felt good to do it and with D.G.'s blessing too.) D.G.'s sister may be able to accept that her mother just does things without thinking about the consequences, but that's just not okay with me.

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D.G. and I are having problems because he wants me to "try" more, try to talk to people, try to socialize, try to do things the old me would have done. This has mostly been brought on because a group of old friends are coming to town for the Grey Cup at the end of November. (It's the Canadian equivalent of the Super Bowl so there are fewer people and it's a lot colder.) It's a huge party and generally a great time and the old me would be really excited about it. The new me doesn't want to go anywhere near it. (Of course the old me would have an almost 8 month old to BF so there wouldn't be a whole lot of partying happening anyway.) Why does no one understand that to me the world is just full of potential reminders about the fact that my baby is dead? That I can't sit around and talk about "nothing" or listen to people complain about their jobs? That my days consist of either being sad/angry/miserable because my baby is dead or desperately trying to hold it together long enough to take care of D or flooding my brain with the Internet, TV or books so that I can have a break from the other two things. That I have no interest in faking okay for people who have not done anything to support me or D.G. since the initial sympathy cards/emails.

2 comments:

Missy said...

I'm right there with you. I don't feel the need to be positive about anything because I am bitter. Many people are off put by this but they don't understand nor try to understand either. My anger grows with each passing day rather than subside so that makes me all negative nancy, but I don't know how to be any different. They can all suck it!

B said...

one of my friends wants to visit, and honestly i'd like to see her - but i find it really hard to have people in my space these days. hardly anyone has crossed the threshold since the end of last year (my parents, my sister and her bf, and my best friend and his kids) and that's just the way i like it. i'm going to have to tell her soon. just another fun effect.

i hope you feel better now your MIL is gone from your fb!

luckily my DH is pretty antisocial and didn't like most of my friends anyway, so he's not terribly inconvenienced by the new antisocial me. he does worry a little from time to time but that's about it. errr, yay?