Out with the old

Just a few hours left in 2012. We are repeating last year's festivities and hosting another kid-friendly party Inviting 3 families over sounds like a small party, but once we have 8 girls under the age of 6 in the house I doubt it will feel small.

I don't know why but I already feel more likely to cry for my boy tonight than I did during Christmas.
2012 was a  good year, a fantastic year compared the the 2 before it, but it has put me another year further away from Reid and the person I used to be and that's always going to be hard.

Happy New Year to everyone out there. I hope that 2013 is a lucky year for us all or at the very least a not totally crap-tastic year. (Got to manage expectations right? It's not like anyone here is a bright-eyed optimist.)

I think I survived

Is it over? Can I come out yet?

Warning, there is plenty of whinging in here, but I am hoping to get it all out now and start 2013 in a better frame of mind.

I feel like I have been hiding for the last few weeks. I was already dreading Christmas, then the terrible events in CT happened and I couldn't bear to think about those families on top of all the families missing their babies. The news was full of one horrible tragedy after another.

Then there is my project to try to help other people not completely hate Christmas. I love the ornament exchange, but it has been seriously stressing me out. Too many people don't answer emails or take deadlines seriously or read the *$&#-ing instructions. I only hear from the people who have issues so I feel like EVERYONE is disappointed in the swap. At least this year my own ornament arrived on time so I didn't have to worry about that.

Last week I managed to get not 1 but 2 flat tires on my vehicle which lead to replacing the winter tires about 9 months sooner than planned. (There was no Boxing Day shopping after that.) That was followed up by D getting sick and missing the last day of school before Christmas and her class party.She seems to be feeling fine, but she's still not eating well and is very short tempered which is making us all frustrated.

The highlights of the past week:
- The Mexican chocolate cake and blood orange margaritas that were part of our non-traditional Christmas dinner.
- The awesome hat I made for myself:

(I also made a hat for D.G. and have plans to make one for S.C. in the next week. D will be getting a something for a barbie.)
- Watching C.S. love her Christmas gifts and discover the joy of knocking things over.

There was no crying for me this Christmas. I was sad, I missed my boy, I wished I was making him a little blue hat and buying little boy toys but I didn't cry. Is being resigned to sadness better or worse than crying about the pain and unfairness of it, I don't know but that's how I felt this year.

And I'm right back there

All it takes are two little words "we're expecting..." and I'm right back where I was 2 and a half years ago. Consumed with jealousy yet terrified that another baby could die. I have been told I will be getting another niece or nephew this summer. It's good, it really is, but then again what if this baby is a boy? What if it's a boy and Reid is officially relegated to footnote status in my family because there will be a live son/grandson? He's already been unofficially given that status because no other family members ever mention him. (Plenty of friends do and some cousins too, but not immediate family members.) This is not what I needed to help me get through Christmas.

12.13.12

I meant to post yesterday just because of the cool date (12.12.12) but spent the evening crocheting instead. While I was crocheting, D.G. was watching Person of Interest on the PVR. I don't mind the show so I was half watching it with him. Guess where an unexpected babyloss storyline popped up. The plot was about a couple who each wanted sole possession of their jointly owned company so they (unknown to each other) each decided to have the other one knocked off. When they were forced to confront each other, it was revealed that the rift in their marriage went back to the baby they lost years before. So instead of the usual babyloss = crazy baby snatching woman, they went with babyloss leads to becoming super successful workaholics with homicidal tendencies.  D.G. made me promise not to take out a contract on him in the future.  Don't know where I'd get the money for a professional hitman as a SAHM so he's probably safe.

Anyone else have any surprise babyloss references pop up lately?

And guess who made it through the night without nursing last night? She woke up and made a couple noises but went back to sleep right away both times. I'm sure it won't happen again for a while so don't start hating me yet.

11 Months Old

Last monthly milestone before C.S. turns 1. Yikes.

- Tooth #8 is all the way in and more are on their way. Poor kid is constantly shoving her fingers in her mouth because the "chew toys" can't make it past her front teeth.

- We are in the "I will not lay here and allow you to change my diaper under any circumstances" phase. The second she is not pinned down, she is on her belly and the next second she is sitting. This is REALLY not pretty when there is a poopy diaper. I have resorted to allowing her to play with the cordless phone in order to change her diaper without any screaming and/or poop smearing.

- She still demands that we spend as much time as possible walking with her. If I force her to sit down so I can do something silly, like take supper out of the oven before it burns, she lets me know she disapproves by screaming. She has no intention of trying to walk by herself anytime soon.

- She lets everyone know when she is displeased by screaming. How do I stop the screaming?

- She finally likes books! However she doesn't give a hoot about what any book is about, she just loves turning pages. And a book with pages and flaps is even better.

On to the pictures...

I am 11 months old....

 

...and I know how stinkin' cute I am...

 

 ...and chewing my fingers is the only 

thing that helps with the teething pain...

...and I have a giant head? 

What are you doing down there Mama?

Could it be okay if the Mayan's were right?

I told D.G. that we shouldn't be stressing out over preparing for Christmas since the world may be ending on the 21st.  However, I also said that if the world has to end I'm glad that it's now and not either of the last 2 years. At least now, I'm relatively happy and I've had 11 months with C.S. Is being able to joke about the end of the world a good thing or a sign that I'm still totally messed up?

Where did the last week and half go? It's driving me nuts that preparing for a holiday I don't particularly want to celebrate is taking up so much of my time. I think we are nearly done all the shopping. D and I are working on making Christmas cards again. I've done the monthly grocery shopping and bought a lot chocolate to use for baking (chocolate being one the parts of Christmas I still want to partake in). I just want to find a way to put my head down and get through Christmas without too much effort or deep thought.

Dodged one bullet, but hit by another

Somehow I avoided full on mastitis this time! Just had a painful blocked duct that took 2 days to clear up. I still need to get more rest though so I am going to bed instead of staying up blogging.

I am also going to bed so I will stop eating this popcorn. Holy $%^#, it is so good. I know caramel corn and cheddar sounds weird, but is it totally addictive. Damn you Cos.tco for bringing this into my life.

Seriously? Again?

I thought I might finally be caught up. We went away last weekend to visit family and had a pretty good trip. C.S. even slept most of the way home. Of course when we got home and she threw up 30 minutes later, we knew why she was so sleepy. Did I mention that she was in a carrier on my back when she threw up?

D. started throwing up at 10:30 that night. "Luckily" the second time she threw up in bed, I was with her holding a pail so I only had to clean up her bed once. D.G. got sick a little while before her. Unluckily for me, he was "man sick" and I had been hearing about it for hours already. 

I spent the next 2 days cleaning up throw up, washing clothes and bleaching surfaces. I did not get sick because even though I have no immune system, I have a cast iron stomach and very rarely throw up. It's always been that way for me as my mom confirmed that she rarely had to clean up my puke when I called home for sympathy.

Once I got everyone healthy and eating solid foods again, I had the ornament swap to work on. Thanks to a lot of help from Jessica (of Too Beautiful for Earth) everything got sorted out and sent out in time, but not without a few headaches.

And now it seems that while I was getting caught up I was pushing myself too hard. I've got another plugged duct and guessing ice got about 24 hours until I have mastitis yet again. WTF?

10 Months Old

Look at all this cuteness...

C.S. is in the double digits. Quick post because we are on the road this weekend.

- Still at 7 teeth. Number 8 goes up and down and up and down and you an tell it bothers her, but it just won't break through.

- C.S. is very vocal these days. She makes all kinds of sounds, some that may sound like words, but I don't think she's actually saying Mom, when she says "m-m-m-m". She's probably trying for milk which is the best thing about Mom. 

- The next best thing about Mom is that she hands out the solid food too. C.S. loves stuffing her face, but loves fruit and meat best of all.

- She loves walking, but she can't actually walk so she expects us to hold her hands and walk around with her all day. This is not really feasible but luckily she will accept being worn on my back as a substitute some of the time.

- She is starting to dance. When you sing to her she, does this cute little head bob thing and grins. She is also starting to make sounds that seem to have a rhythm too so before too long we can take her one girl show on the road.

(Forgive any weird issues or typos, I'm at D.G.'s sister's house and trying to figure out how to use her Mac while C.S. refuses to nap in her prison, AKA the pack'n'play. )

Shameless (not self) Promotion

For the 2nd year, I have taken the reins for the Remembering Together Holiday Ornament Swap. I'd love to have all my readers participate, even the non-crafty types. Check out the details at the swap blog:

Needed a little break

After blogging (almost) every day of October, it was strange to not be composing blog posts for a couple days. However, no one is giving me instructions on what to blog about every day so I needed a little break. I also needed to recover from the inevitable sugar hangover that follows Halloween. I definitely made up for being declared glucose intolerant last year.

Speaking of last year, I can't believe that it has been a full year since I went on bedrest while pregnant with C.S. I still feel shocked that I dodged the premature baby bullet last year. Now I have this:

How freaking gorgeous is she? We had family pictures done at the beginning of October. If you look really close you can see my friend E in C.S.'s eyes.

And back to Halloween. It looks and feels like full on winter here, but that didn't stop D and D.G. from bringing home a butt-load of candy. In fact the cold probably helped as there were fewer trick-or-treaters out and people needed to give more candy to each kid that showed up so they wouldn't eat it all themselves. That was certainly my strategy. Here is Halloween at our house:

D is Izzy from one of her favorite DJR shows. Being a girl pirate was definitely much less work than last year's completely from scratch Tinkerbell costume. The little turtle got her costume from a store and I'm okay with it because she looked so darn cute.

Okay, time to call it a night. Stupid "fall back" is kicking my already over-tired ass and I'm trying to get this year's ornament swap organized too.

Capture Your Grief: Day 31

Sunset

No sunset here tonight. Too many grey clouds and yes, that is snow.

Capture Your Grief:Day 30

Your Grief - Tell The World

Capture Your Grief: Day 29

Music

I actually avoided music as much as possible in the months after Reid died. Songs either made me horribly sad (all the lyrics could be made to fit my situation) or horribly angry (why did those stupid people keep whining about their insignificant problems?). I ended up crying in the car so many times when I went places with D.G. and D because they insisted on listening to radio stations that played music. D was in the midst of her major Beatles phase during that time (hence the name of this blog) so I couldn't prevent all music from being played in our house. I could handle most of the music on the Number 1's CD, but I always skipped Yesterday. D actually started referring to it as "the sad song" and would rush to skip it herself so mommy didn't start crying again. I still find it impossible to listen to without crying.

Capture Your Grief: Day 28

Memory

So many of my memories from the last 2 and half years are dark and painful. All the darkness definitely has cast a shadow over the 9 months we had with Reid. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back on that time without bitterness over what might have been. 

There are no pretty pictures to go with the dark times. When I was sobbing uncontrollably on the kitchen floor, I never thought, "I should  get out my camera to document this moment for later." Even though I no longer cry like that on a regular basis, I still remember how it felt to cry that way, to need to cry that way and to try to stop the tears before I broke apart completely and permanently.





(trying to stop from falling behind too far because I'm sick yet again)

Capture Your Grief: Day 27

Artwork

Art comes in many forms. I have received a painting and figurines and some other pieces in honor of Reid. I just received this wonderful gift (and two matching ones for the girls) this week. I consider it to a beautiful piece of art that just happens to have a practical use.

(G, I love it, it IS perfect! Although my photography is not.)

Capture Your Grief: Day 26

Their Age

Capture Your Grief: Day 25

Baby Shower

I never had a baby shower for Reid. Even before Reid died, I wouldn't have had a baby shower before the baby arrived. Mostly because meeting the baby is most of the fun of a baby shower and at least partly because it seemed presumptuous to have a party before the baby arrived. (Not that I actually thought something would go wrong, it's just the way things are done where I grew up.) I did have a lunch with my co-workers right before starting maternity leave and they gave me a few onesies and a very generous gift card to buy baby stuff. The onesies got saved for C.S. and the gift card became my "REID" bracelet.

There weren't a lot of other things that were bought/made for Reid; a bassinet, a new ring sling, his going "home outfit" and some blankets. We didn't know his gender before he was born and we hadn't known for D either so we already had a gender neutral nursery ready for our second baby. We just didn't know that Thing 2 would never get to use that nursery.

Capture Your Grief: Day 24

Siblings

Reid's sisters.

D doesn't truly remember because she was so young and C.S. can't remember him because she came after. I want so much for them to always love and remember their brother but some days I have no idea how to teach them about him.

Capture Your Grief: Day 23

Their Name/Photo

Another very tough one for me. Just writing about this hurts so much. I can't bear to go the FB event and see all those pictures of tiny babies wearing little hats and lovingly swaddled in special blankets.

We have so few pictures of Reid and they are so terrible because the nurses weren't allowed to remove the breathing tube and no one told us we could have bathed him or dressed him. Only D.G., D and 2 friends have ever seen those pictures.

I have a lot of bitterness about the fact that no one told us that we would want pictures of him later. We were in shock and had no clue what to do. It was the middle of the night on a holiday weekend so of course the social workers and support staff who normal get involved in infant deaths were away from the hospital. I feel like the system failed us. Someone who had been through stillbirths with other patients should have sat down with us and told us all the things that we might want to do with Reid right then, because this would be our only chance. Silly hospital union rules prevented anyone from mentioning NILDTS and my friend whose son died 5 months before Reid and is a photographer was out of the province. Even if I had refused to be a part of it, someone should have taken the pictures and told us they would be there for us when we were ready for them. I would give so much to have proper pictures of Reid. and proper memories of carrying for my son's body to go with them.

I am very grateful for the artist who took the few terrible pictures we have and turned them into this beautiful sketch. I still guard it very carefully and it will not be posted on FB.

Capture Your Grief: Day 22

Place of Care

The hospital building where Reid was delivered shut down a couple months after he died. All the patients and staff were moved into a new building, literally next door. It was good for me as it let me keep the same doctors who knew what we had been through with Reid, without having to go back to that place. The new hospital is beautiful, filled with art and light and I know it well after I spent 2 weeks there on bed rest on top of C.S.'s actual delivery.

 

This picture was taken a few minutes after C.S.'s delivery. I felt very supported and well cared for that evening.

On the left is Dr.K, who I first met the night of Reid's birth and who stuck with me all the way through C.S.'s delivery. She got me in for U/S's on short notice and offered me anything I needed to feel safe during my subsequent pregnancy. She came to visit me while I was on bedrest and came to the hospital on her own time to hold my hand through the c-section prep and actual surgery. On the right is the nurse who was my L/D nurse when they wheeled me into surgery on April 3, 2010. When the hospital moved, she switched to a women's surgery position. The day we delivered C.S., she was working the late shift, which she normally doesn't, and when she saw my name on the list for surgery that evening (we had been bumped back 5 hours due to emergency surgeries), she stayed even later to be there with us. The nurse who did all my pre-op paperwork for C.S.'s delivery had also been my first L/D nurse the night I arrived at the hospital in labour with Reid. (I didn't recognize her, but I blame that on the whole being in labour without drugs followed by having my world destroyed thing.) It was good to be surrounded by people who knew what we had been through and knew how hard/scary/exciting it was to be there to deliver our third baby. No one brushed off our concerns and everyone was genuinely happy for us.

Capture Your Grief: Day 21

Sacred Space

This is a tough topic for me. My mom once accused me of turning the "baby room" into a shrine because I had all of Reid's things arranged in the crib. It wasn't truly a shrine, it was just a practical way to keep Reid's things safe from his curious and less than gentle big sister. It was also nice to have a space to go and sit with Reid's things and let the tears flow in private. Obviously I had to move everything to make room for C.S. and I was very glad to have a live baby who needed that crib, but the bottom drawer of my dresser is a lot less spacious than a while room. I actually miss looking at Reid's things and sending love his way when I passed by the room while going about daily life. Maybe some day in the future if I end up with a space that is exclusively mine, there will be a physical space devoted to Reid beyond the shelf he has in our living room. For now his space is with me and in the drawings his big sister includes him in.

(He's 2nd from the left between D and C.S.)

Capture Your Grief: Day 20

Organization



http://www.angelwhispers.ca/angelwhispers/
 

Our local babyloss support group has helped me and so many others. They offer local support group meetings as well as long distance support via email and telephone and send care packages around the world. 

(If you want to see me and D.G in our sleep-deprived post C.S.'s arrival glory, we are in the video around the 7m45s mark.)

Capture Your Grief: Day 19

Project

I've done quite a few crafts and projects since losing Reid, but I think the ones that helped me the most were the Christmas ornaments. It started with an ornament for an ornament swap the first Christmas after Reid died and after that I just kept going.Each one was a gift for a babyloss mama.

Last year's production was limited due to the stint of bed rest, but hopefully I will make more than 2 this year. I'd much rather hot glue wrapping paper onto an ornament than be trapped in a mall pretending that I don't want to crawl into bed and hide until January 2nd.

Capture Your Grief: Day 18

 Family Portrait

This is as close as I get to having all my kids in the same picture. It was taken at our Walk to Remember this year. I was happy that they could still fit into their Thing 1 and Thing 3 t-shirts from Reid's 2nd birthday in April.

Capture Your Grief: Day 17

Birthday

One of our family traditions for Reid's birthday is cupcakes for breakfast. This year for his 2nd birthday we had chocolate-chocolate chip cupcakes with peanut butter icing. I could almost imagine how much  of a mess a 2 year old little boy could make with those cupcakes. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 16

Release

From Reid's first birthday, April3, 2011.

October 15th, 2012

For Reid and all the other sweet babies whose time here was much too short...

Capture Your Grief: Day15

I think I have posted about his before, but I can't find it so I'll just ramble on again. I am so proud of all you that posted pictures and messages on your FB profiles in honor of your babies. I just can't make myself do it. I am more afraid of the lack of understanding and support that I would receive from the people who don't get it than I am afraid of being alone in my remembrance. I know that those who care and understand are already here. I strongly feel the need to protect myself and my son from those who don't.

Capture Your Grief: Day 14

Community

The babyloss community for me takes many forms.

I attended my first support group meeting just 8 days after Reid died and I kept going every month until my subsequent baby arrived. (I just got home from a meeting now so I'm not done yet either.) Sometimes you need to be able to physically see that you are not the only one. 

The Walk to Remember in our area just marked it's 5th anniversary and we have been at the last three walks. Not even rain and snow would keep me away. Because of the event's size, it's not as personal as I would like, but it's good to have a very public way to acknowledge our son.

The online community, the bloggers and the blog readers and Glow In The Woods, they kept me going on a daily basis for months. Those women and their support mean the world to me and I will think of them with love and gratitude for the rest of my life.

The photo is from our first Walk to Remember in 2010, when my online and real life babyloss communities briefly overlapped and I bawled all over Kate, one of the founders of Glow In The Woods.

Capture Your Grief: Day 13

I don't believe in signs. I don't feel like seeing butterflies or rabbits or dragonflies or rainbows is a message from Reid. I like seeing those things and but they just are nice things and they also make D happy to see them as well.  I don't have any issue with people who do feel they are signs, it just doesn't feel that way to me.

Capture Your Grief: Day 12

Scents

I don't have a scent I associate with my son, but I do have a scent I associate with being pregnant. I bought this lotion to rub on my belly while pregnant with Reid. I can't bear to use it now, but I also can't throw it away.

Capture Your Grief: Day 11

Supportive Friends

I am lucky to have 2 wonderful friends who have worked very hard to support me after the death of my son. Neither of them has had a loss yet they have been the ones who remember all the anniversaries and holidays and send me emails to let me know they think of Reid on a regular basis. G and R, you have saved my life more than once in the last 2 and half years, I love you.
This is the rattle R gave me right after Reid died. (And the painting in my Day 10 picture was a gift from G.)

9 Months

Yes, C.S. is officially 9 months old now.

- She is the proud owner of 6 teeth. All 4 top ones came in the first 2 weeks after hitting 8 months. I could wish she was done for a while, but the red cheeks and finger chewing say otherwise.

- She is a speedy little monkey. Set her down on her belly and she is off to the races. Some times I think she is pushing up to try to learn proper crawling but not yet. I think it might be a different story if we had carpet in stead of hardwood for her to slide on.

- I think she is prepping for another growth spurt as some rolls that had disappeared are back and she was up all night two nights ago nursing.

- C.S.'s favourite activity (besides all forms of eating) is standing. Either while holding my hands or on her own next to the ottoman or a chair or the side of the bathtub. She just loves standing and bouncing.

- She is working on waving, refuses to even try clapping and likes to yell "Da, da, da" at the stop of her lungs.

On to the cute baby pictures....


How old did you people say I am now?

 Never mind, I'll check for myself.

You know if you want big smiles, instead of making fools of yourselves, you should take pictures of me in the morning, not 10 minutes before bath time.

I'm pretty sure I could get down from here if the big people were distracted for long enough.

 (And yes she wore a sleeper all day today. It was a clean one, not the one she slept in. When it snows on October 10th, you need to dress in something warm where the little feet can't get bare and cold.)

Capture Your Grief: Day 10

Symbol

My symbol for Reid is a red gerbera daisy. Red because Reid means red-haired and a daisy because it is one of the flowers for April, his birth month. A lovely friend had this one painted for me for Reid's first birthday.

Capture Your Grief: Day 9

Special Place

This is the section of our garden than has been devoted to Reid. The two big trees are Tartarian Maples also known as Hot Wings because their seed pods are bright red. This year I added 2 gerbera's that are supposed to be perennials (but we will see). There are statues of three geese that were wedding gifts way back when and I have been looking for 2 more like then to complete the goose family. There are also some daffodils for Freddie that I saved when we replanted this bed last summer.

(Please ignore the weeds, I just couldn't keep up with them once C.S. started eating grass every time we tried to hang out outside. Also this picture was taken about 3 weeks ago. If you looked at it today, you would see snow, yes SNOW.)

Capture Your Grief: Day 8

Jewelry

My charm bracelet with Reid's name, clear stones to represent April's birthstone and a teddy bear because there are bears on the box that hold his ashes and because his big sister picked out a pooh bear toy to be her first gift to him.

Capture Your Grief: Day 7

What To Say 

 

And repeat it at least once a month until I tell you you don't need to say it anymore.

Capture Your Grief: Day 6

This one is hard for me. I know plenty of people said the usual insensitive things to me, but I don't think there were any whoppers like some of the things posted by the mamas in the FB event. If there were, time has given me the gift of forgetfulness about the people's lack of understanding.

What sticks with me the most is the people who said nothing, ever, like my own brother. Or the people who send cards and emails right after but then said nothing for months. Or the people who were supportive for the first month and then said nothing for months except for including me in the completely insensitive mass email about the safe arrival of their own baby.

My mom made the standard excuses for them all; it's hard to know to say, they don't want things to be awkward so they don't bring it up, they don't want to upset you by saying the wrong thing. What's hard is leaving your baby in a morgue and making arrangements to have them cremated. What's awkward is having to call government agencies and hr departments and explain that you are applying for bereavement leave, not parental leave. What's upsetting is having your baby die and then having most of the people you know not care enough to do something "hard" or "awkward" when you are going through the worst pain of your life.

11 years

It's our wedding anniversary today! Not a lot of celebrating going on with me running a fever, unable to have wine because of the antibiotics and complaining about the aches and pains. (and having an infected breast is enough to turn off even my poor deprived hubby.) We had hoped to at least go out for dessert and a drink but that will have to wait.

He and D did bring me flowers today so there was some normal anniversary activity. D.G. decided to buy flowers and D decreed that they must have a flower like "mommy's tattoo".

It's also Thanksgiving weekend here. I am thankful to have C.S. here, thankful that D knows that I love red gerbera daisies and thankful that we have made it to 11 years. (And hopefully soon I will get to be thankful for AB's and for being healthy too.)

Capture Your Grief: Day 5

Memorial
I was always too scared of the pain to seriously consider getting a tattoo, although I admired the work others had done. That all changed when Reid died. I knew if I could live with the constant pain of not having him with me, I could endure some temporary pain in order to carry a memorial for him with me always.

Capture Your Grief: Day 4

Most Treasured Item
There are so many items I treasure. The most special ones pretty much bring me to tears every time I see them so they live in the bottom drawer of the dresser next to my bed. This blanket is the thing I take out of the dresser and hold when I am feeling lowest. I made it for Reid and although he was never wrapped in it, it is his. The blanket was originally big enough to swaddle Reid but I felt the need to split it up last year. One piece of it is in the memory box that holds his ashes and what was to be his coming home outfit. Another piece is under the blankets of his little sister's crib and the other piece is mine.

(apologies for the crappy i.Phone photography but I am trying to obey doctor's order and rest)

We interrupt this meme to bring you...

... Another round of mastitis. Seriously this is punishment for not being sufficiently sympathetic when Angela got sick last month. I hate mastitis and have no idea why I have it this time. It's not like C.S. slept through the night. I am currently waiting at the urgent care clinic to get some antibiotics. Hopefully I will spend less than 2.5 hours here, but I doubt it.

Capture Your Grief: Day 3

Self Portrait after loss
I looked through hundreds of photos to find something to post today. The only pictures that truly show how I felt on the inside after April 2010 are from the hospital and they are far too painful to share. After that I did a very good job of avoiding being in front of a camera for a year and a half. And I wore sunglasses any time I left the house.I just felt so hideous and fat and ugly and I didn't want anyone to see me. My husband took this picture in our back yard while I was watching D run through the sprinkler. Even while watching her at her happiest, I was fighting not to cry.

Capture Your Grief: Day 2

Self Portrait Before Loss
September 2009 when I was just 2 months along and baby #2 was our little secret. I had no idea that I would never hold my big girl and her little brother in my arms at the same time.

Capture Your Grief: Day 1

Sunrise
7:42 AM October 1, 2012


From Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief project.

Walk To Remember 2012

We walked to remember in September this year. (The first Saturday of October falls on Thanksgiving weekend here and I can see why the organizers decided to avoid that conflict.) It was a crazy day for us because we had a swimming lessons, a birthday party and the Walk to attend. Despite my worries on the drive to there, (I felt like such a horrible mom to Reid for being late to one of the few public things we can do for him)  we made it there on time to register and still had time to  donate 2 teddy bears and have some cupcakes before we did the actual walking part. There were no helium balloons this year but I actually really liked the bubbles they handed out instead. They were much easier to carry around before the release and they were great for the brothers and sisters to play with during the whole name reading/release ceremony. It was really pretty sitting in the grass in the sunshine with little bubbles drifting all around us. And this way I could blow bubbles for all the babies whose mama's I know not just for Reid. (I was looking for and found Gavin, Noah and Kaelen's names while we were walking.)

The girls still fit into the "Thing 1" and "Thing 3" shirts I got for Reid's 2nd birthday and it was warm enough that they didn't have to wear jackets over then either. You would think that at an event like this, I wouldn't need to explain that Reid is Thing 2, but it still happened.

The only thing that didn't turn out was the rest of the photos of the afternoon (I am trying very hard not to be mad at D.G. for that.) but at least I got these ones. I hope that everyone gets such lovely weather for their October remembrance events where ever they are.

Stuff I made this week

I still eat like crazy and as long as I am still wearing the smallest size jeans I have ever worn then I figure I might as well enjoy it. Today I wanted chocolate cake so I decided to use up some of the zucchini from the garden and make it at least a little healthy. It seemed like a good plan as I spent all of C.S.'s afternoon nap shredding zucchini and baking cake (and I have enough shredded zucchini to bake a ton of muffins too). Now however, it's 9 pm and there's a whole chocolate cake calling my name.

Cara...Cara...You know you love me....

(I would have cut a piece to take a pretty picture but then I would have HAD to eat it too.)

Maybe I should have stuck with crocheting, at least I can't eat my creations. I was back on Ravelry (so addicting) this week looking for something I could make for two  birthday girls we will be celebrating with this weekend. It had to be easy and it had to be something that didn't require measurements. Both birthday girls like accessories so I decided to make headbands. I think they turned out pretty good and of course I had to make an extra one for D. I may make one for myself later too.

(If anyone wants the link to the instructions let me know. I don't want to link directly because the website has been heavily spammed.)

Quick Update

Let's see...

C.S. has popped out 3 three teeth in the last 10 days. She is so exhausted she actually had a good sleep last night.

C.S. has also become a very efficient belly slider. She only pushes with one foot for some reason (same as D. did) and has gotten a sore at the base of her big toe from pushing so much. She can move pretty fast and always has her eyes open for interesting things in cupboards and her big sister's room.

D. brought home a cold from school. She was sick for 12 hours, I have been a mess all week and now D.G. has it. Of course he is "man sick" and near death. Now it appears C.S. is getting it too.

I got to use my sewing machine, (yay!), but it was for replacing elastics in C.S.'s diapers so it was no fun at all. I hate ripping out tiny little stitches in elastic, I think some poor Chinese factory worker was paid by the amount of thread they applied to each diaper. 7 down, 4 more to go.

D likes school but hates riding the bus home. Let's hope she adjusts soon because things work better for everyone when she comes home on the bus.


I got new nursing bras yesterday. This is the best thing to happen all week. Everything is better when the girls are located where they are meant to be. Now if only I had time and/or energy to go shopping for boots.

Only week until this year's Walk to Remember.

8 Months Old

Wow 8 months already...

-  C.S. figured out moving forward last Thursday, the same day her big sister started Kindergarten. She is sliding on her belly full speed now so nothing on the floor is safe. She has some kind of radar for electrical cords so I've been busy trying to distract her from all the cords that can't be moved.

- The top teeth are on the way in. C.S. has been sleeping extra horribly for the last week and has been extra clingy. I couldn't figure out why, then I saw 2 little holes in her gums yesterday morning. They haven't broken through yet, but they are coming, fast I hope. Not that I'm looking forward to being bitten with those teeth, I just want my happy baby back.


- I am a mommy zombie. Knowing the reason for the lack of sleep helps a little, but it still hurts. I keep doing things that don't make sense but then I can't even remember what happened. In the latest incident I registered D and C.S. for swimming lessons 3 weeks ago, but either I didn't remember which day D's lessons were or I registered for the wrong day. I have no idea which it is, but when D.G. took D for what I thought was her lesson on Saturday, she wasn't registered in the class. Oops. I guess I should be using D's time at school for naps, but there's just some much to get done around the house (and so much blogging to do.)

I tried to get our monthly picture, but someone had other ideas...

"C., sweetie, smile for Mama"

What's this?

 

 What's D doing over there?

 Ooh, what's back there?

Hey, I can put my feet over here!

Is there something else back there now?

 So we gave up and had supper. Apparently blowing shepherds pie out her nose makes her much happier than posing for pictures. 

Kindergarten gets its own post

I just got home from taking D to her first official day of Kindergarten. I can believe that my first baby is 5, but in school, no way. She had her orientation day Thursday last week and it went just fine. The only thing that she was worried about was leaving her inside shoes at school over the weekend. I was way more worried about the orientation day than today because there was no one she knew in her group (they split the class into thirds for orientation) and she has said things like she doesn't want to make new friends to me in the past. However on our walk to school today she informed me that she had already made new friends last week so I guess I don't have to worry about that.

Today we got there and as soon as she found her shoes and found a place to put her snack, she was ready for class. No tears from my big girl or her mommy. I'm so proud of her and I can't wait to find out what she learned today.


Here are the traditional first day of school pictures:

Last Thursday, in front of the maple trees we planted in honor of Reid.

And today, on the way out the gate. 

(She is tired of posing for pictures after the last few days.)

And she came home and was thrilled to see me and C.S., I haven't felt that loved in ages. It might be the best part of having a Kindergartner.