Fun's over

I am back at home after a week of vacation and my brain is so full of things that I need to get out here. I hope that I can coax them out one at a time over the next few days. Last night I was too tired to even look at the computer. I crawled into bed at 8pm and went to sleep.

Nothing really momentous happened while I was away. I ate too much, I drank too much and didn't sleep enough. (the not sleeping is due to D's inability to ever sleep past 7am even when on vacation and utterly exhausted from running around with 2 other 3 year olds.) I went for my first post-dead baby pedicure which was lovely and didn't involve any crying (surprisingly). I also spent lots of time spoiling my friend's 1 year old daughter. I think I could do that because: 1) she is a "she" and 2) she was conceived before we even started trying to have a 2nd baby so she is older than our second child could have possibly been. Hopefully that doesn't change as time passes as she is such a sweet girl (like her mommy). Here we are hanging out in the lake. (The boat effectively hides the very icky flabby belly that no amount of bathing suit can hide.)

Time to run away again

And now it's time for the vacation I have been both looking forward to and dreading. Looking forward because it's a vacation, duh, and I will get to spend time with my most wonderful friend who remembers all Reid's anniversaries and her great kids. Dreading because when we planned this vacation, it was January and I was pregnant and I was sure I would have a 4 1/2 month old baby along with me. It never occurred to me that it could be any different.

P.S. Love to all the DBM's who will be marking anniversaries in the next week. I'll be thinking of you.

Stuck

The weather has found a way to make life more miserable. Well it's not exactly weather but it is smoky, extremely smoky. (The forest fires are a province away but the smoke is here) Everything smells like smoke and everyone with chronic lung problems (which includes my asthmatic self) has been warned to stay inside. It's only been one day and D is sick of being stuck inside. Ugh, I may be forced to do something I really don't want to do like take her to the rec centre. Which is worse, being seen in a bathing suit or being stuck in the indoor playground full of moms with preschoolers and new babies?

Weekend Update

(hee hee, that made me remember when I was 13 and the last time that SNL was funny)

Camping went okay. It only rained on the first day we were out there so we didn't have to spend the whole time huddling under a tarp. There was a distinct lack of sleep but overall D did okay. My MIL made me crazy by being completely unprepared for the weather and mud (how do you go camping and not bring at least running shoes when the forecast is for rain, rain, rain?) I think we will try to go again with just SIL#1 and her BF in September as they only live a few hours away and they are my favorite part of DH's family anyway.

The counseling session on Friday morning was okay too. Yes, my counselor was a 50-ish man, but he does have children and has worked with people who have lost children before. I will go see him again maybe even get DH to come with me. The worst part of the whole thing was actually the drive downtown to the appointment, when they did a segment on the radio about taking your baby camping. How's that fabulous timing?

Compulsive researching

I am a compulsive internet researcher. I can't buy anything without spending hours online trying to find the best product for me or DH or D. When DH wanted to make himself "better" coffee, I was the one on the coffee snob forums even thought I NEVER drink coffee. When DH thought we should get a DSLR camera, I was the one reading photography blogs. I cannot buy anything worth more than $99.99 spontaneously, I must google it first to see if anyone else likes it, hates it or can't live without it.

Maybe this is another reason why I am so addicted to dead baby blogs. Maybe I am researching how everyone else is dealing with their babyloss and trying to find a model of dead baby mama-hood that I can learn to live with ( since there's no chance of going to the baby returns department and telling them, "Excuse me you seem to have given me the wrong baby, I'm pretty sure that my baby was alive and this one is dead")

Now I am applying my compulsive researching powers to a new laptop which will allow me to indulge my babyloss blog addiction whenever I want without depriving DH of time playing online video games. (We clearly have very different ideas of therapy as he feels better after virtually blowing up strangers and I like hanging out with other dead baby mamas.) Now I am dividing my time between tech blogs and laptop reviews and trying to figure out if I can be happy with an 11" netbook or a 13" laptop while DH whispers in the background that I should get a Mac. (could it really be worth all that extra money?) Oh well I suppose it might be "healthy" to obsess about something not technically related to dead babies or trying to make a non-dead baby for a while.

Still mush

The feelings are still here (no danger of the anger, bitterness and sadness disappearing anytime soon) but the words just won't come. I read so many blogs, but I can't string together any comments that don't sound totally useless and lame. (but I am definitely reading and thinking of you all)

Tomorrow is my appointment with the counselor from DH"s employee assistance program. I think it will be an initial screening and I hope they have someone who specializes in grief that I can see after this. Hopefully whoever I see tomorrow at least has a clue about dealing with pregnancy loss or infant death. (With my luck it will be a 50 year old man who has never had kids.)

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(Okay brief intermission because Family Guy is on and Brian and Stewie were singing "Everything is Better with a Bag of We.ed". For the first time ever, I wish I wasn't asthmatic so I could test that theory. Would having a dead baby be better with a bag of we.ed? hee hee)
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We are taking D camping for the first time this weekend. It will be interesting (we will see how much any of us sleeps), but in the end I'll end up thinking that we shouldn't be able to do this because there is no way I'd be sleeping in a tent with a 4 month old. No matter what we do, it always comes back to the fact that it would be different if Reid was here. It's like a broken record in my head. Anyone want to trade records with me?

And cyber stalking pays off..

Thanks to checking FB every hour for the last week, I managed to find out that yet another baby boy has safely arrived a mere 2 minutes after his mother posted it on FB. Yeah, me, I got to have a big cry pretty much as soon as possible, but not the huge freak out I was waiting for. So either it's still hiding around the corner or the anticipation was in fact worse than the reality. I'm guessing that the freak out is waiting to bite me in the ass, if only I could not worry about it until then.

Various Therapies

I went back to my acupuncturist last week. This was big for me because I had only seen her for treatments when I was trying to go into labour with Reid and because she is now pregnant herself.
(with baby #4 no less but another friend told me this ahead of time so I didn't get a nasty surprise. I used to like finding out other people were pregnant, now it's nasty, how lovely.) She worked on some points that are supposed to help with focus and concentration, but my brain is still mush and I forget everything so it didn't work. I did feel less anxious but I think that was due to my mom being here. There was some crying at the session, but not a ridiculous amount so I think I will go back again. (Even it is just to have her work on the fertility related points that could help me get pregnant again)

On Friday, I am going to see a counselor through DH"s Employee Assistance Program (not mine as previously mentioned) . We'll see how that goes.

Has anyone else tried any "alternative" therapies for dealing with grief?

Back at it

My parents were here visiting for the last 3 days so it's been hard to write anything (posts or comments). When other people are here, I try to hide the bad feelings and limit the bitter, sarcastic comments. I don't know why for sure, maybe it's because I don't want to upset them or because I just know that they won't understand but it just feels like I have to hold things back. Also, only 2 people who know me in real life know about this blog, my husband (who I have asked not to read it) and my DBM pal L, who more than understands and encouraged me to start blogging. I'd like to keep it that way as I think it would only make my parents worry. Anyways the parents have left now so I can go back to being Dead Baby Blog obsessed.

I have been cyber-stalking my friend who is now about a week over due with a baby boy. I keep checking her FB status and blog for news. I know it's is going to hurt so, so bad when the big announcement comes, but I do want to know that everything is ok. I keep wondering if I will get a phone call or not. I thought she was important enough to get a phone call when Reid died, but I have feeling that it will be like the last time a close (or used to be close) friend successfully had a living baby. It will be too "hard" for them to call me before they post it on FB. In my mind people who get to bring home their living breathing babies shouldn't get to make excuses like that, they have someone to cuddle when the "hard" part is over.

(Yikes, I better prepare DH for the freak out that is coming when this baby arrives judging by how upset I am already)

3 years and then 4 months

Today D turned 3. We had her first ever birthday party with friends and although it was smaller than we planned, it was just right and she had a blast. We worked our butts off getting ready and finishing one of her gifts, but working myself to exhaustion helped me to not think about who wasn't going to be at the party. (Or any other parties for that matter.)

Here is D with her most requested and now most beloved birthday gift, a "Squishy Whyatt". (from her current favourite show). Looking at this picture just makes think if she could love a toy that much and hug it so tight, how much love would she have for her little brother if he was here?


Today my wonderful, amazing, and most importantly, living and breathing daughter turned three. But as soon as she went to bed, I was consumed with the thoughts of my not living and not breathing son, who should have been 4 months old tomorrow. It should be Reid that Delia's is hugging so tightly at her birthday party. How shitty is is that I have to be thankful for the fact that Reid was not born on April 2nd so that at least his death didn't completely overshadow his sister's birthday for me?