Almost 7 weeks

C.S. is still growing like crazy. She has pudgy cheeks and thigh rolls and is getting close to outgrowing 0-3 month sleepers lengthwise. She smiles now (although not for a camera) and is noticing the world around her. 

She also refuses to sleep during the day unless she is sleeping on one of her parents. And it seems that she will sleep in her bassinet by herself during the night (knock on wood) if she has a few good naps during the day so we are sacrificing time during the day in order to get good sleeps at night. She will nap in a sling or mei tai but I'm not ready for newborn back carries yet and not all jobs can be done with a baby attached to my front so I'm still feeling like I have no time to myself.  (She is in my Baby Hawk between me and the computer as I sneak in this blogging time.)

I constantly wonder how I ever would have coped without D.G. here with us. (Lots of frozen pizza for supper and lots of TV for D are the likely answers.) Which leads to wondering how I would have coped with a younger D and a newborn Reid if he had lived. Was the old me somehow more capable along with  more optimistic, trusting and forgiving? I do remember thinking I could manage to be a good mom to D and Reid. In that wonderful world where we get to raise all our children, I am somehow caring for all three of them and am damn grateful for every dirty diaper, load of laundry and grocery bill they generate.

No time

C.S. likes to keep me (well at least one part of my anatomy) right next to her all evening right now and I'm trying to get some projects accomplished and spend more time with D during the day so there isn't much time for blogging. On top of that we are going to have company (3 different sets of visitors) every day for the next week so that will leave even less time. I miss my quality time with the internet, but I know it will be here waiting for me.

I was a bit worried that C.S. was nursing non-stop because she wasn't getting enough milk, but when she was weighed and had gained 12 oz in 8 days I learned that milk supply is clearly not a problem. Oh well at least I still get to eat whatever I want whenever I want. (and still lose weight! Go ahead and hate me for it.) I have definitely been making up for the decreased chocolate intact during my pregnancy. I wonder if I have started making chocolate flavoured milk yet?

I want to punch someone

" This pregnancy thing is a breeze... "

This is a direct quote from a fb status of one of my SIL's best friends. She has serious health issues that could make her pregnancy high-risk and she knows about Reid and has other friends who are infertile, yet she is posting crap like this. It just makes me so angry to see things like this, even as I sit nursing my beautiful daughter. Pregnancy is not a breeze, it's hard work physically, emotionally, mentally. It's a freaking endurance test that exhausts and terrifies incredibly strong women. It's the exact opposite of a breeze, it's a tornado of emotional and/or physical challenges and I just want to punch anyone who thinks differently.

1 Month In

I totally intended to post last night, but we spent the whole evening trying to keep C.S. from yelling the house down. She would nurse for 10 minutes, sleep (on me) for 10 minutes and then wake up and start over again. I am hoping that it was just gas but we will see how she is tonight.

I feel like I have no instinct or memory of how to be a good mom to a newborn. I have done it once semi-successfully before so I expected to feel more confident this time around, but I just seem to see potential disaster in every decision no matter how small or inconsequential. I just to want to be able to feel like I am doing my best as C.S.'s mom and that feeling isn't there.

C.S. is growing and beautiful and now that her face has filled out, she looks like her brother when she is asleep. And every time I see him in her face, I want to sob and yell and scream that he never got to be a month old.

Here is C.S. in all her 1 month old glory, all 8.5 lbs of her:

Will someone please tell me I'm not a bad mommy for taking drugs and giving up on natural remedies?

I have been fighting a nasty thrush infection since C.S. was about a week old. It happened when D was a newborn too so I should have been better prepared for it but naively assumed that having done this once before and checking out some breastfeeding websites was enough to prevent it. I have been trying to fight it with natural remedies, but I am officially throwing in the towel and taking the high powered pharmaceuticals. I am tired of having shooting pains after every feed and curling my toes at the start.  I had an appointment with a lactation consultant today and it so so nice to see a medical professional who not only supports breastfeeding, but is also up to date on current knowledge. (There was a totally pointless appointment with the doctor covering for my GP last week.) The LC supported the natural remedies I was using and prescribed the medication I knew I should be getting. I just hope these drugs work so I can stop crying about my boobs and save the tears for my real issues.

Photos

Today C.S. is 4 weeks old and we celebrated by having a newborn photo shoot with my friend E. We did one with D and still have some of the pictures from it up. We also had plans to to do one for Reid which made getting ready for the photo shoot pretty emotional for me. I know we will treasure C.S.'s pictures forever, but there will always be a set of baby pictures missing from the walls of our house.

22 months

It's the first "3rd" since C.S. arrived. Having her here doesn't make it any better that Reid isn't, but it definitely leaves less room in my brain for thinking about it. I want to have come to some wise conclusion about how to deal with missing my son while loving my new daughter but wisdom is well beyond the ability of my sleep-deprived brain. I just know that there is still a Reid-shaped hole in my heart, despite the fact that there is a new C.S.-shaped piece of heart there too.

My friend sent me these flowers right after C.S. arrived.

I don't think she could have done any better. It's the perfect representation of my children and my heart.

I can't believe that it's only 2 more months until Reid's 2nd birthday. 2 years seems like forever and in some ways it has been. So many things have changed in the last 2 years. I'm trying to believe that C.S.'s arrival is the start of a happier chapter of my life (thus the new "cheerier" blog design), but I know that I still have plenty of sad moments left to go through too. I hope you will all stick around even if I start blogging about good days with D and C.S. and my attempts to be crafty in between posts about missing Reid. I still need the support of my fellow DBM's to get through the rough days and I hope to share the good days with you too.