I don't know if any of my readers aren't already Angela's readers too, but just in case you aren't, Angela of Little Bird is having a give away to celebrate reaching the 100 follower mark.

Deja vu (well almost)

The universe has decided to play another cruel trick on me. I just got D.G. all bundled up and sent him out to the Grey Cup (the Canadian equivalent of the Superbowl for my friends who live a little further south). A year ago, we watched our favorite team lose the 2009 Grey Cup in overtime. Shortly after, D.G. started making plans to go the the 2010 game because it would be played here in Edmonton. I was never planning to go to the game because I KNEW I would have a baby who needed me to provide their beverage of choice and finding a babysitter for a 3 year old and a 7 month old would be next to impossible.
Our favorite team is playing for the Grey Cup again, they are even playing against the same team as last year. And I am not going to the game because being in a stadium with 60,000 happy/excited/drunk people is something I can't do. I don't even want to watch the game on TV because it just makes me think about last year and what should be happening right now.
And on top of that I feel so stupid because back in June for some bizarre reason, I thought I would be able to do it and I spent $145 on a ticket. No wait I know the bizarre reason: in June I thought I WOULD BE PREGNANT by now and that I would have some hope of being some type of happy again.

Which is my best pile of drivel?

I want to submit something for the Creme de la Creme of 2010, not because I think anything I wrote was that great, but because I can. (Damn, Mel is awesome.) However being a horribly indecisive DBM, I can't decide which post to submit. Help me out my wonderful readers, should it be:

Drowning

My baby is dead but at least...

So what's left?

Any other suggestions? Seriously, I can't look at my writing objectively so I need your help.

I actually finished something (besides a chocolate bar)

So you wouldn't think being at the low end of low would encourage me to finish projects, but I've stopped expecting things to make sense around here. I bought most of the materials for a photo album for Reid months ago, but I've been dragging my butt about actually making any progress. (And it's a glorified photo album, NOT a scrapbook, I do NOT do scrapbooking.) My support group does a craft afternoon once a month and this month I needed to be around other DBM's so I went and I took Reid's album to work on. I didn't quite finish it on Saturday, but I did "finish" it yesterday. I will probably add a few more pictures, but it's finished enough to let someone besides me look at it. Not that there are many people I currently trust enough to show it to, but I can take it out and look at it whenever I need to. Of course right now just looking at the cover is enough to make me cry because this is the only photo album for Reid that I will ever have and he's only actually in 2 pictures. Of well, here are the highlights...

I picked the brown because it was masculine without being typically blue
(and the brown looks good with the red I needed to use.)

Of course all the accents are red.

The one good US picture we have.

My favorite pregnancy picture. I was so big I could not
see D when she stood under my belly. It's also the one of
the last "happy" pictures that I have.

Yes, it is that bad

I got angry at D.G. today. Angry enough to finally spew out just how bad things are in my head when I am at my lowest. I am not at my lowest all the time but once every 2 or 3 days, something happens that just destroys me. I end up sobbing on the floor and after a few minutes my thoughts turn to how I am so sick of the way things are and how nothing and no one can make things better. Because no one can bring Reid back and we aren't having any luck with ttc and no one (who doesn't have a dead baby) seems to understand why I would be having a hard time dealing with it.

At my lowest, I run out of hope that things will ever get better. I wonder what is the point of making myself go through the motions. Most of the things I do are because I am supposed to do them not because I want to and on bad days that includes spending time with my living child. I know that's horrible and ungrateful, but I am being honest here and right now having a living child just doesn't help me deal with the loss of my other child. Right now it seems like every time she does something good or cute or smart, it's just another thing that Reid will never do. I love her but it hurts so much at the same time.

Then I feel bad for not be able to just love and enjoy her and I start to wonder which is worse: having to grow up with a messed up mom who can't get over her dead brother or having no mom at all. So far the no mom at all seems worse but mostly because I think D.G. would be a terrible single parent. (I was mad enough at him today to tell him that which is an awful thing to say but at least he gets how bad things are in my head now.) I know thinking like this is dangerous but knowing it's bad doesn't mean I can stop those thoughts. I have no idea how to stop them but I don't think that AD's are the answer for me. I guess I'll see what the EMDR therapist has to say on Friday.

I know this is serious stuff, but it's not a plea for help. I am writing this to try to get it out of my head or get some perspective or something else like that. I'm not looking for advice or suggestions, just understanding.

Another month wasted. AF is back and so are the tears and wailing and loneliness. This time my cycle went a couple days longer than normal and I let myself get my hopes up the last couple days. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I was going to be pregnant and I was going to be able to handle visiting some of my pregnant friends and I was going to be able to give D a live sibling before her 4th birthday and the universe said "Screw you, that's not happening."

---

My mom called Tuesday and acted like everything was perfectly normal. I wasn't in the mood for drama and it's not like talking about it going to change anything that happened so I just let it go. D.G. also talked to his mom last night (for the first time since she went into Reid's room without asking) and also pretended that everything was normal so I guess that's what we all do around here.