Thursday, July 1, 2010

So what's left?

In all the not so great times of my life, there was always something to look forward to help get me through them. (Almost all the times that used to be classified as "bad" have been upgraded based on the events of the last 3 months). In high school, there were summers. In university there were parties, weekends, spring-break and summer. Once I started working full-time, there were weekends and vacations to look forward to and plan for when the day to day stuff was too stressful (or too boring). I spent 16 months of my life looking forward to the maternity leave I am currently on. The plan was for me to try being a stay at home mom once we had 2 kids and I was looking forward to that too. But now that Reid is dead, what am I supposed to look forward to?

Looking forward to a day when I don't feel like total crap and don't cringe (or cry) at the sight of baby carriers in the grocery store doesn't feel like a great goal for my life. Besides, there's no set time for these things to happen. The new life plan does include another child, but there's no guarantee on when I'll get pregnant and if we'll get a live baby out of the deal, so it's probably not a great idea to use that as my "something to look forward to". Holidays, birthdays etc are just going to be reminders of who isn't here to celebrate with us so they're out too. Vacations (not that there will be many since DH burned up a bunch of holiday hours to look after me and D after Reid died) are just a temporary diversion. Going back to work after being one live baby away from being a stay at home mom is definitely not something I look forward to.

So what's left?


Angela said...

I honestly don't know. For me the only hope I have right now is a future baby. As you said though, there is no guarantee that will work out.

Glo said...

I feel very much the same way...


Catherine W said...

I'm always someone who likes to be looking forward to something, to have some kind of little plan I'm hatching.

But now I don't know either. x