Sunday, November 21, 2010

Yes, it is that bad

I got angry at D.G. today. Angry enough to finally spew out just how bad things are in my head when I am at my lowest. I am not at my lowest all the time but once every 2 or 3 days, something happens that just destroys me. I end up sobbing on the floor and after a few minutes my thoughts turn to how I am so sick of the way things are and how nothing and no one can make things better. Because no one can bring Reid back and we aren't having any luck with ttc and no one (who doesn't have a dead baby) seems to understand why I would be having a hard time dealing with it.

At my lowest, I run out of hope that things will ever get better. I wonder what is the point of making myself go through the motions. Most of the things I do are because I am supposed to do them not because I want to and on bad days that includes spending time with my living child. I know that's horrible and ungrateful, but I am being honest here and right now having a living child just doesn't help me deal with the loss of my other child. Right now it seems like every time she does something good or cute or smart, it's just another thing that Reid will never do. I love her but it hurts so much at the same time.

Then I feel bad for not be able to just love and enjoy her and I start to wonder which is worse: having to grow up with a messed up mom who can't get over her dead brother or having no mom at all. So far the no mom at all seems worse but mostly because I think D.G. would be a terrible single parent. (I was mad enough at him today to tell him that which is an awful thing to say but at least he gets how bad things are in my head now.) I know thinking like this is dangerous but knowing it's bad doesn't mean I can stop those thoughts. I have no idea how to stop them but I don't think that AD's are the answer for me. I guess I'll see what the EMDR therapist has to say on Friday.

I know this is serious stuff, but it's not a plea for help. I am writing this to try to get it out of my head or get some perspective or something else like that. I'm not looking for advice or suggestions, just understanding.


Missy said...

I understand. I know those thoughts. And it is so great to get them out. It is in itself a form of release to own them and say they are mine. I am thinking of you and sending you much love!

Sadkitty said...

I understand all too well friend. And I did call Dh an unfeeling bastard yesterday when he tactfully suggested I "get over it" because we had an argument about putting away the outdoor toys and furniture. And Yes to struggling with the idea that your living children are supposed to make it all better.
Nigel and Juniper's birthdays are a week apart (and 5 years) so i get to go through the years knowing the exact stages and events that we are missing. I have pictures of them from five years ago.
GAHHHH! This fucking sucks.
I hope the EMDR goes well.

Stephanie said...

If having children is a fix it ~ than I am missing something, because I too. . .even pregnant . . . have horrible low's! I have had the exact same conversation you have described with my hubby. . . who I also happen to be loathing right now. So, you are NOT ALONE!

The pain is PAINFUL. Death is devastation. Grief is personal and not a road anyone else can walk for you. I am sorry that you are here. Hell, I am sorry that I am here. The holidays are just plain hard.

Hang in there sweetie and know that your little girl loves you ~ even when SAD and MAD mommy appear. She needs hugs and reassurance and even if you have to fake it. . . try for her sake:) And I am not judging at all nor offering suggestions ~ I just heard the same thing from a friend of mine, and it made me realize I could fake it. Never really thought of that when I am so caught up in my dark place.

Just A Blog Reader said...

I think it is absolutely ridiculous that you are unwilling to try AD’s!!! You are a mother to two children, and I would NEVER tell you it is time to “get over it”, but if you do not appreciate the living child you have what makes you think that having another baby would make things any better? Will you “just go through the motions” with that child to? I think you need to get yourself together before even thinking about having another child. I am sorry for sounding harsh, but I see all the comments that people leave you, and I also see that in some ways they justify your misdirected actions, and maybe you just need a lil kick in the ass and hear – NO IT IS NOT OKAY……YOU ARE NOT OKAY!!! I am sure you will be mad at this comment and delete it, but maybe it is something you should think about.

B said...

i just wanted to tell you that i'm so, so sorry that things are this bad.

i really (REALLY) didn't want to take antidepressants, but they did help me. i'm not saying you should definitely try them, but i do think that it's at least worth exploring the possibility with your doctor.

'Just A Blog Reader', do you REALLY think that speaking to Car like that will make her inclined to listen to you? because i really, really don't. i can't believe you were so rude to her on her own blog.

Jessica said...

I understand wanting to get those thoughts out of your head. I tell my husband all the time that is why I have my blog. he would like me to talk to him, and I do, but there is something fulfilling about typing it out. I hope typing it out helped you! <3

car said...

"Just a Blog Reader",

I have no idea who you are but I don't appreciate you deciding to judge how I choose to cope with the loss of my child. If you read my post you will see that "on bad days" I don't appreciate my living child. If you are lucky enough to be the parent of a living child you will know that every parent has moments when they don't appreciate their child(ren) just as married people don't always appreciate our spouses. It's part of being human.

I can't see why you would be reading my blog unless you are also a babyloss parent or you know me IRL. Somehow I think that if you had lost a child you would include some support along with your judgments. If you know me IRL and somehow think that being a jerk on my blog instead of contacting me directly will somehow help me, well, you aren't worth the time it took me to write this comment.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Thinking of you, and understanding your experience in my own way. I could never have imagined what a dark and exhausting journey the death of one's baby could be. I'm so sorry so many of us have to find out.

I do hope your EMDR session goes well. I've done that in the past and will be doing some w/ my own therapist.

Much love.

Missy said...

Holy crap who the f is that? Who does that? Sorry to rant on your blog, but man o man that "just a blog reader" is treading on some seriously thin ice. YIKES!

lis said...

first of all, what an ass. don't listen to that person. you made yourself perfectly clear when you stated that you have bad days. guess what, you are entitled to bad days and good for you for being honest. i don't have children but i was a schoolteacher for 10 years and i know there are lovely days and then there are days that you just can't wait to end.
i always said that being pregnant didn't cure all in a relationship. im not sure if you and your husband had trouble getting preg (im inclined to think not?) but in the infertility world of crap-tastic-ness, our relationships are tested all the time. you have this idea that once you get preg it will all melt away into the beautiful tv-land fantasy of what you've been missing. uh uh. pregnancy didn't change anything in my husband and I's relationship. we certainly were happier, but we still had our moments. in my story, i see a parallel to what you are saying. nobody can expect you to feel all better about losing your baby because you have another child! that is ridiculous. of course you will look at your little one and think what could have been, as im sure i will do when i have my own. this is normal and it doesn't make you a bad person. none of this does. i will tell you, the night before i went to my psychiatrist appointment, i wrote my husband a long email detailing why he should feel sorry for me and let me continue to wallow (essentially). he responded with some tough love, telling me that nobody can make me better but myself, and that i needed to find out what was going to do that because i was unhealthy to say the least. and you need to find what will work for you to be able to move on and keep your family intact. i think that is what you want, even though it is so hard right now. i know how hard it is. there was a time when i was sure it would break us, but somehow it didn't. i talk about it in this post.

for me, ADs worked. i actually just had to increase the dosage last week, but they have helped tremendously. first of all, they do NOT take the pain away. they do NOT improve your mood or drug you in any way. (if you get the right one) they simply level out your brain chemistry which makes it a little easier to sleep, a little easier to face each day with motivation.
im not trying to sell you on them at all, just my experience has been good and i have been where you are. i was there for a good long time too. i want to see you get better, however you need to.
hugs and comfort tonight

lis said...

** this post...i tried to link it and it didn't work for some reason

car said...

I have taken AD's in the past so I am not opposed to them on principle but it was a much different situation. I was at the point where I wasn't able to take care of myself and there were steps I could take to deal with my problems. Right now I am still eating and sleeping, I just have a very broken heart and there is nothing I can do to resolve the situation that is causing the depression.

Violet1122 said...

To Just a Blog Reader:

If you had any SHRED of decency about you, you'd delete what you wrote here. She made herself perfectly clear in her post - no advice or suggestions. If you couldn't offer "understanding" like she asked... you should have not written a comment at all.

Car - I have often wondered about people in your shoes, where you have a living child and an angel baby. I really, really appreciate what you wrote here - because it gave me a dose of reality and some perspective. It is easy to get caught up in my own grief sometimes and feel like those who have living children somehow have it easier.

I'm ashamed to admit it - but I have caught myself thinking that way before. And I know I am totally wrong.

A dead baby is not magically turned into something OK or less traumatic because of living children, or other blessings you have in your life.

I have not walked in your shoes, but please know I am out here supporting you 100% while you navigate through all of this.

I'm praying as time goes on, the good days far outweigh the bad ones. And I'm also praying for a rainbow baby to make an appearance soon, of course!

((Big Hugs))

Sadkitty said...

Golly gee, we can medicate away our sadness? Well, hell.

But seriously, I tried ADs too, they made me itch and disconnect from my feelings, which was worse than actually feeling them.

It truly sucks that so few people can grasp that this is something you have to go through, FOREVER and no amount of SSRIs can make us not have super shitty days where we seriously wonder how we manage to function even as we are doing it.

I am a big believer in therapy though. Because it helps me be less crazy. And my kids have a sad mom, but she doesn't have to be a crazy sad mom ;-)

Just A Blog Reader said...

First of all I want to apologize to you and your readers because I did not mean to offend anyone – this is a blog, and since it is an open forum I would think that opinions outside of your own would be welcomed.

No, you are right – I am not a BLM, and I know that what you are going through is the hardest thing that any mother would have to go through. The fact that this has happened to you, or anyone for that matter, is heartbreaking. As I said in my last comment I would never tell you to “just get over it”. I cannot connect with you on that level, but I do sympathize from a different perspective. I am a “survivor” of a BLM – yes, I said a survivor of one. I am the oldest of 3 children – I have two brothers…the middle child, my brother “B” is an angel. He was born still on my 5th birthday.

Throughout my mothers pregnancy she always referred to B as my special birthday present, and he was, and always will be special to me. My mother lost him and didn’t get help to deal with her feelings. Every birthday after my 5th birthday was spent at the cemetery to honor B. Every time I made the honor roll she would say “I bet B would have been smart too”. When I played sports she would say “I wonder what sport B would have played”. Every month that TTC didn’t work she would go into a deep hole that would take her a week to get out of, and I would try to take care of her. When she did finally get pregnant her entire pregnancy was a rollercoaster of her thinking she was losing the baby. Once “A” was born he had to endure all the same things that I did with the comparison of us and what B would be doing, and her not taking pride in the things that we, her living children, were doing. As a child this always made me feel that I was not good enough to make her happy or “satisfied”. I think it was even harder for A than it was for me because I was there while my mom was pregnant with B I was there when she lost B. A just always had to contend with someone he never even knew or got to see.

On my 15th birthday and B’s 10th birthday my mother took her life – A was 7. She just never healed from it – never even tried. When my brother A wasn’t able to fill the void that was left by the loss of B she just didn’t know what to do. She left my brother and I here because it was more important to her to go be with B. My father did the best he could with A and I, but men are men, and he was at a loss of what to do as well. I became the mother figure to my brother A, and to be honest I think I did a very good job.

I am sorry that people thought I was ‘out of line’ or ‘skating on thin ice’ with my comment, but as you can see I have always had to deal with the reality of things, and sometimes I am just not able to sugar coat things. I have been reading your blog for months – I have also been reading many of your readers blogs for months. I do this to try to find some answers of my own, and try to understand what my mother was going through. I have never once commented on a post, but when I read your post yesterday it concerned me. You said it wasn’t a cry for help, but I think I know that it actually was.

My prayers go out to you all.

Just A Blog Reader said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
car said...

Just A Blog Reader, I have no other way to respond to you so I hope you come back and read this.

First of all I am sorry for your losses, both your brother and your mom. You have had a different experience with babyloss than most of us and yours is a valid viewpoint but your comment would have been received much differently had you explained your experience first. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. It is much more moving than any advice you could give.

I do want to point out that there is one important difference between me and you mom, I am getting help to deal with my feelings. I see a counselor regularly, attend a support group twice a month and I have all the amazing women in the online babyloss community. And while those things have not prevented me from having dark and scary feelings, they do give me a safe outlet for them. I hope that the increased availability of resources like this for BLM's means that no other daughters have to lose their mothers and their siblings.

Catherine W said...

Oh car. I've spent my fair share of time sobbing on the floor too. I know that having a living child isn't a magic cure all and that tremendous love and hurt coming all at once is something to deal with in and of itself. Although I lost my first child, she had a surviving twin and I know how difficult it can be to pick yourself up off the floor and DO all the things that need doing. And yes, all the things that Reid and G will never do have a strange immediacy, as we watch their sisters grow.

It doesn't make it harder but it doesn't necessarily make it easy, not all the time anyhow. We wanted both our children and we love them both.

I KNOW that it is FAR better for your little girl to grow up with a mom, a mom who loves her and is doing her very best in really difficult circumstances. I hope that the EMDR therapist can help you a little. I found antidepressants helpful but they aren't for everybody, especially if you've already had a bad prior experience. I would say that, I've been on a couple of different types. One was helpful, the other made everything much worse and I had an awful time of it. It might be worth investigating if there is one that suits you more, if you feels that's a option you might take in the future.

Just a Blog Reader - I also wanted to e-mail you but I have no way of getting in touch except here. Please bear with me all whilst I write a LONG comment (sorry car!) Firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and your mother. Both her death and for how how the death of your brother B changed her. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you and A growing up, feeling that you were somehow 'lacking' with these comparisons to your dead brother.

I lost one of twins so I am always going to have the birthday issue as, obviously, my daughters were born on the same day. My surviving daughter, J, is always going to share a birthday with her sister. I can't change that. But even in those early months after her sister died I was determined to try and separate the two in my mind. But it's hard and I don't know how good of a job I'll do. Because you still love the child you lost and everyone else seems to forget them. Perhaps your mother just wanted to see that B was still spoken of? I don't know.

Anyhow, I'm rambling now but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. It is interesting to read another perspective on this painful experience.

Just A Blog Reader said...

Car - Thank you for your understanding, and I know I probably should have explained myself first. I saw a number of red flags in your post that greatly concerned me. I know that this may sound stupid, but since I have been reading your blog I feel like I have connected with you and my concern was out of caring for you - not to be a jerk. I am sorry for my approch. Like I said this was the FIRST time I had ever commented on a blog, and mostly I never do out of fear that am not a BLM, and no one would ever understand why I take the time to read your blogs and those of the other BLM. I can tell you this - everyone that I read has really helped me understand what my mom went through. It has given me more of an appreciation of what she went through. It also makes me realize that she did not have the same kind of support that you all have in each other. This happened over 20 years ago, and losing a baby was not really talked about the way it is now. There were no services of NILMDTS, and online support groups. She was pregnant one day and then not the was not really something that anyone talked about. I had a baby boy in April (another reason I have connected to you), and he spent 8 days in the NICU - the whole time I feared that he would end up like B. I now know the love that a mother feels for a child, and that is something that can never be broken. I think that is the part that my mom had such a hard time with. SHe loved B, but had no tangible way of showing that love. The one thing that I always supported her on was keeping his memory alive, and I to, to this day, still talk about him. He is my brother and always will be. She is my mother and always will be. Thanks goes out to you and your fellow BLM for giving me a new perspective on what she went through, and helping me "forgive" her for leaving A and I.

Catherine - Love both of your girls. Make them both feel special for the individuals that they are.

All my love and thoughts go out to you all.

Anonymous said...

I give you understanding 150%. We are TTC and none of my friends (or even my OB I think) can understand why I am freaking out over a BFN and an 8 day luteal phase. I get it- I just wish it were not this way for either of us....

Anonymous said...

And to just a blog reader- thank you for sharing here- and for explaining this to Car and her readers. I recently wrote a post about everyone has a story. you have illuminated that in a very complete manner. At first glance I found anger at your comments, but then knowing your story I see what caused them- and I am sorry for you and all that your life has been in the wake of one child's (B's) death. I am so very sorry.....