Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Drowning

Yesterday was the worst day I have had in months. I cried on and off all day despite the fact that I was home with D. It seems like the pregnancy announcements are pouring down all around me, while I got another BFN yesterday. I feel like I am drowning. My support group and the on-line baby loss community were my life lines, now they are the source of the flood waters.


"It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand. "

That about sums up how I feel. What is the point of ttc if you don't hope that it will work? I can't pretend that I've got something else more important going on in my life than trying to have a baby. I can't pretend that I'm okay if it doesn't happen this time. How am I supposed to survive what promises to be a painfully awful holiday season without some little speck of hope that maybe I could have the only gift I want, a non-dead baby?



(The quote is from John Cleese in the movie Clockwise. I read it somewhere online in the last while but couldn't remember where.)

(When I had hope that I could be pregnant, I felt happy for all of you out there who were. Underneath all of my pain, it's still there. I just can't feel it right now.)

19 comments:

Violet1122 said...

I am so, so sorry. It's just not fair.

I know you probably don't want to hear it from me, but I do remember the despair after repeated BFNs.

Please don't give up hope yet.

((Big Hugs))

Merry said...

Right with you sister.

No positives here either. Lots of love. I'm sorry :(

Kristin said...

So feel you on this one, Car. I feel EXACTLY the same way. At first all the bfps gave me hope and encouragment, now, I just feel like I'm getting left behind in the dust. Funny (well not funny) thing is, I KNEW it was going to take forever. I just had a feeling. Everyone said I was crazy and silly for believing that since I'm young, got pregnant on accident with Stevie, etc. But now here I am, in my 5th month TTC, not even sure I'm ovulating. :( Just sucks.

Megan said...

Car, yep. I am right there with you. All I do is pop xanax and chainsmoke in secret. Fine, I'm fine, smile, nod, I'm effing perfect and great. Yep. isn't grief supposed to get *better* as time goes on, not worse? I am drowning right there with you, and cannot get outta the damn water. I have no hope. I know I'll get a BFN this month. I always do. Eff it.

Princess Andy said...

i'm so sorry you are feeling so much awfulness.

please continue to let it out in any way you can...this is your space; and a small part of your healing.

love and kindness to you,

andrea

Angela said...

I'm with you. I haven't been trying that long, but each positive, each rainbow baby announcement hurts a little bit more. As Kristin said, I feel as if I am being left behind. But look, we're all back here together, and that brings me a bit of comfort. Thinking of you, sorry you are having a hard time right now.

Jessica said...

I am SO with you on this. In your face book (as someone i know likes to call facebook) has been punching me daily with baby pictures, pregnancy announcements, babies born ON my babies due date and so on. It's awful. To see everyone else get what you so greatly want...it just plain SUCKS! Thinking of you and walking with you... (((hugs))) <3

B said...

it took me ten months, and it broke my heart every time someone who had been trying less time than me announced that they were pregnant. yes, even on glow.

i'm so sorry it hurts so badly. i know it feels like a knife in the heart. but honestly, i had given up hope. i thought i was marking time until i could go back to the fertility place.

i am hoping for you.

but if you would rather i didn't comment here please just tell me. i promise i'll understand.

xxx

therootofallevel said...

it's a tough road, ttc after loss. sometimes you just have to have tunnel vision and keep your eyes and heart safe.

i was at my loneliest when it seemed like we were the only people NOT trying to have a baby.

as long as you are trying, there is hope. don't forget that.

Dana said...

TTC sucks anytime, but especially after you have lost a baby. It is so hard waiting for the green light, then having the 2ww. I hate getting BFN. It's like the hope disappears again for awhile and the despair takes over. Although I have been so happy for other BLM's who got their BFP, I always felt so left behind.

There is still a chance that you will get pregnant before Christmas. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Melissa G said...

I'm so sorry about the recent influx of announcements. Sometimes it just feels like a plot against you.. Please know you are not alone.

Hugs.

lfca

cullensblessings said...

Thinking of you-and I am right there with you. Why can't every mother of a child who was lost get a free pass? If only...

Still A Guest Room said...

So sorry for how you are feeling, but know that you are not alone. It's so easy to feel like you are the only one who still doesn't have a baby, but unfortunately there are too many of us still here. Thinking of you today!

Catherine W said...

Oh my dear. I am so sorry. I know that the announcements hurt, believe me, I sat there for a year and watched them pile up whilst nothing happened for me. Because I'd already waited a year (intentionally) and then another year (definitely unintentionally) it felt as though I was being left further and further behind. A lot of the mamas I met when I lost G have had their rainbows a while ago now. And I could still end up back where I started so very easily.
I know you are like me, as I've said at Glow, in that we 'look good on paper' but it seems to be taking so much longer this time round. I hope that the fact I got pregnant after a year of trying makes you feel that it will happen for you. Instead of making you feel awful.
Hoping for you xo

Cortney said...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so isolated and lonely, but know that you are most definitely not alone! Every time a co-worker announces her pregnancy (currently I work with 7 preggos), I struggle to fight back the tears and the jealousy.

Oh, and that quote is absolutely perfect--it's that damn hope that gets us every time!

(((hugs)))

lfca

Sharpiegirl said...

I'm having those feeling too. Glad to know I'm not alone.

Lulu said...

It is so effing unfair. It's horrible and heartwrenching and it SUCKS. I know how you feel.

Princess Jo said...

Oh yes - and right now, I am terrified that I will never get to be able to say that I am pregnant.

So I know how you feel. :-(

Hugs.

Jo

HSQUARED said...

I'm so sorry, I can say I understand because we are going on 15 months of TTC after the death of my son in March of last year.

We are going down the path of IF treatment but the doctors have no legitimate reason why we can't get pregnant.

I think that someone should do a study on people who have lost children and trying to have more. We are NOT alone!