Monday, April 1, 2013

Really, this is not what I needed to see tonight

I just read a post on FB from a friend's sister and I'm so bitter and angry. She just had her long awaited daughter (after 5 boys) and it turns out her labor got complicated. She lost consciousness and the baby's heart rate dropped and she was rushed in surgery. Her uterus had ruptured and the baby was delivered with an Apgar score of 2. They gave the baby a 10% chance of survival. Of course the baby is now fine and they were able to repair the rupture so she can even have more children if she wants.
How can so many things go wrong and yet everything works out perfectly for someone else when nothing went wrong for me and Reid yet my son has been dead for nearly three years? I feel like such a bad person for being mad at this woman who got her happy ending but I'm so angry I can't see straight. I hate being so broken.


LauraJane said...

You're not the only one. There's a (large) part of me who gets kinda pissed being the only one I know (in real life) who lost their perfectly healthy baby. The same part is bitter when I find out someone who hasn't struggled is pregnant, particularly if I didn't find that person very supportive during my loss.

It's like some part of me resents them getting to be keep their kids while we never can. Makes me insanely jealous!

I hate being broken too.

Glo said...

I feel similarly and including people that seem to conceive so easily

Emily said...

I get the jealousy, I totally do. I've felt it more in the last few months because I would really, really love that happy healthy pregnancy experience and it makes me SO ANGRY and JEALOUS to know I might never get it.

But on the other hand, think how you would have felt if this woman had lost her daughter? You would have felt such compassion for her. How awful to lose a healthy, full term, much wanted baby. You know how terrible, how unfair that is. This woman is SUPER, massively LUCKY...and hopefully she knows it.

JoyAndSorrow said...

I totally get this and would have the same reaction of WHY US??? I mean really the lack of rhyme or reason to anything in this world is what hits me so hard at times. Massive hugs. Don't be so hard on yourself - you aren't the only one who would have a negative reaction to that story!

Lisa said...

I understand. I actually had a case of the why me's even when I found out a fellow BLM was having another girl. Even though I love my rainbow son, I realy had to readjust my dreams since I had thought we were having 2 girls. I am sure I don't have to explain to you since your rainbow is the opposite gender too. I felt awful for being jealous of her. My point is, anytime someone is having their 2nd or 3rd girl, it takes me back to the shattered dreams feelings I had :(

Lisa Sissons said...

I get it. I find myself feeling like this all the time. And then I get mad at myself for being so horrible. I just can't stop the thoughts.