Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Another Bad Day

I was miserable today. It was the first time since Reid died that I wasn't strong enough to keep up with D and ended up letting her watch way too much TV. I knew it was going to be a bad day when the desire to be a couch zombie outweighed the bad parent guilt. Thank goodness for E, another IRL friend who is actually a DBM x 3. Her phone call wasn't enough to get my out of my pj's and out of the house but it did cheer me up enough to stop me from hiding in my room and sobbing while D was watching Sesame Street. (and it was the episode with Feist singing "1,2,3,4" which gave me a couple minutes of pleasant distraction)

While I was in SK, one of my oldest friends called and left a message. DH told me about it but I wasn't up for calling her back while on my trip. She has since sent me an email that I haven't been able to reply to. She lives about 3 hours away and is pregnant (of course) with a boy (just like everyone else I know) and due at the end of July. She is done work in a week and wants to know if she can come visit me. I just don't know what to tell her. She was supportive right after Reid died but I hadn't heard anything from her since the end of April so I was feeling pretty hurt. I do want to see her, but I don't know if I can stand to see her hugely pregnant and happy (her blog is full of "when the baby comes" and all the other things that we DBM's know aren't guaranteed just because you get to be 34 weeks pregnant). I can't decide which will be harder for me, seeing her pregnant or waiting to see her once she has the baby. I have yet to go see anyone who has had a baby since Reid died and I have really avoided baby boys of any age. Any advice for me from those who may have already dealt with friends who are "still" pregnant?


Angela said...

I have yet to spend time with someone who is pregnant, but I have spent time with other babies. I have a good friend here in town who had her second baby, a boy, a month before I had Charlotte. I went over to her house two weeks after Charlotte died and I held that boy and I cuddled him and I rocked him and I talked to him. It was hard, very, very hard, but it was important for me to put that milestone behind me. Now I see him once a week or so and it helps me work through my grief. If he were a girl I think it would be a lot harder.

You need to do what's best for you right now. And if that means not seeing that friend for a while, that's okay. It's also okay to have a down day and let D watch too much TV. You are doing your best and you are a great mama.

Anonymous said...

I've spent a good amount of time around several of my best friend's babies (both boys- I had a girl.) and I found it to be therapeutic once I got past the initial gut-punch feeling. But everyone is different and if they had been girls I don't know that it would have been as easy.

Rachel said...

I was pregnant at the same time as DH's cousin, whose having girl twins any day now. I haven't been able to see her since the loss of Nevan. I'm just so angry she's going to get 2 baby girls and I got 0. (Sounds horrible, doesn't it?)

I did hold a baby last week and it was nice. But the parents lost their last baby, so it was different I think, and the mom knew how I was feeling. It was hopeful to see people have a baby after their loss. I don't know how I would have dealt if it was a "normal" baby. I don't even know if any of this helps you, but be gentle with yourself, and if you don't want to see your friend, don't.

B said...

i saw a baby the day after we found out ours had died. i was scared to, but i didn't want it to be built up into a big thing in my head. i'm mostly ok with babies now.... although ones i don't expect take me by surprise still.

visibly pregnant women, though. them i find much, much harder to cope with. being aware that they can feel their babies moving around? that i can't cope with. i had to tell my best friend i couldn't cope with seeing her until after she's had her baby. i haven't seen her in four months and i miss her so much :( but we have to make do with email.

the one rule i've found, though, and it doesn't just apply to pregnant people/people with babies?

those who understand are much, much easier to bear than those who don't.

thinking of you car xx