Thursday, January 10, 2013


I almost made it through the holiday season without crying but taking down the Christmas tree was too much. Packing up his ornaments, being forced to acknowledge that those ornaments are all the Christmas he will ever have was too much. Cue the big ugly cry.

I almost made an effort to try to patch up a friendship over the holidays. I set aside a Christmas card and a family picture to send, but I never did it. I never felt like dealing with any more difficult feelings on top of the ones already floating around inside me. I kept telling myself,  "Tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow.", then tomorrow comes and I still don't have the energy.

I almost lost my marbles this week. The ornament swap refuses to end because some people won't answer my increasingly grouchy emails. I felt all this pressure to make C.S.'s birthday special, even though I know she will not notice or care. I went to meetings (babyloss support group and LLL) on Sunday and Monday evening and therefore lost that time to get things done without help from the girls. It just felt like there was pressure building up inside my head and I was anxious all the time. I even debated skipping my kick boxing class last night to frost cupcakes but it turns out that hitting things was just what I needed to calm myself down.

C.S. is almost 1. Her birthday is today, but she won't be officially 1 until after 7:30 tonight. I can't believe that it's been a year since I spent the whole day in the hospital waiting for the surgery to deliver her. That I've had a whole year to cuddle a live, healthy baby.

I almost successfully made dairy free cupcakes for C.S. (She has a dairy intolerance, nothing serious just rashes and bad gas, but she feels better if we avoid giving her dairy.) I say almost successfully, because I did bake the cupcakes using my favorite recipe and they are dairy free and they are tasty but they are far from beautiful.

I'm pretty sure that I forgot the lemon juice I was supposed to add when I substituted full fat coconut milk for sour cream. Well, at least the dairy free buttercreme frosting was far more successful and does a very good job of hiding all the imperfections.

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