Out with the old

Just a few hours left in 2012. We are repeating last year's festivities and hosting another kid-friendly party Inviting 3 families over sounds like a small party, but once we have 8 girls under the age of 6 in the house I doubt it will feel small.

I don't know why but I already feel more likely to cry for my boy tonight than I did during Christmas.
2012 was a  good year, a fantastic year compared the the 2 before it, but it has put me another year further away from Reid and the person I used to be and that's always going to be hard.

Happy New Year to everyone out there. I hope that 2013 is a lucky year for us all or at the very least a not totally crap-tastic year. (Got to manage expectations right? It's not like anyone here is a bright-eyed optimist.)

I think I survived

Is it over? Can I come out yet?

Warning, there is plenty of whinging in here, but I am hoping to get it all out now and start 2013 in a better frame of mind.

I feel like I have been hiding for the last few weeks. I was already dreading Christmas, then the terrible events in CT happened and I couldn't bear to think about those families on top of all the families missing their babies. The news was full of one horrible tragedy after another.

Then there is my project to try to help other people not completely hate Christmas. I love the ornament exchange, but it has been seriously stressing me out. Too many people don't answer emails or take deadlines seriously or read the *$&#-ing instructions. I only hear from the people who have issues so I feel like EVERYONE is disappointed in the swap. At least this year my own ornament arrived on time so I didn't have to worry about that.

Last week I managed to get not 1 but 2 flat tires on my vehicle which lead to replacing the winter tires about 9 months sooner than planned. (There was no Boxing Day shopping after that.) That was followed up by D getting sick and missing the last day of school before Christmas and her class party.She seems to be feeling fine, but she's still not eating well and is very short tempered which is making us all frustrated.

The highlights of the past week:
- The Mexican chocolate cake and blood orange margaritas that were part of our non-traditional Christmas dinner.
- The awesome hat I made for myself:

(I also made a hat for D.G. and have plans to make one for S.C. in the next week. D will be getting a something for a barbie.)
- Watching C.S. love her Christmas gifts and discover the joy of knocking things over.

There was no crying for me this Christmas. I was sad, I missed my boy, I wished I was making him a little blue hat and buying little boy toys but I didn't cry. Is being resigned to sadness better or worse than crying about the pain and unfairness of it, I don't know but that's how I felt this year.

And I'm right back there

All it takes are two little words "we're expecting..." and I'm right back where I was 2 and a half years ago. Consumed with jealousy yet terrified that another baby could die. I have been told I will be getting another niece or nephew this summer. It's good, it really is, but then again what if this baby is a boy? What if it's a boy and Reid is officially relegated to footnote status in my family because there will be a live son/grandson? He's already been unofficially given that status because no other family members ever mention him. (Plenty of friends do and some cousins too, but not immediate family members.) This is not what I needed to help me get through Christmas.

12.13.12

I meant to post yesterday just because of the cool date (12.12.12) but spent the evening crocheting instead. While I was crocheting, D.G. was watching Person of Interest on the PVR. I don't mind the show so I was half watching it with him. Guess where an unexpected babyloss storyline popped up. The plot was about a couple who each wanted sole possession of their jointly owned company so they (unknown to each other) each decided to have the other one knocked off. When they were forced to confront each other, it was revealed that the rift in their marriage went back to the baby they lost years before. So instead of the usual babyloss = crazy baby snatching woman, they went with babyloss leads to becoming super successful workaholics with homicidal tendencies.  D.G. made me promise not to take out a contract on him in the future.  Don't know where I'd get the money for a professional hitman as a SAHM so he's probably safe.

Anyone else have any surprise babyloss references pop up lately?

And guess who made it through the night without nursing last night? She woke up and made a couple noises but went back to sleep right away both times. I'm sure it won't happen again for a while so don't start hating me yet.

11 Months Old

Last monthly milestone before C.S. turns 1. Yikes.

- Tooth #8 is all the way in and more are on their way. Poor kid is constantly shoving her fingers in her mouth because the "chew toys" can't make it past her front teeth.

- We are in the "I will not lay here and allow you to change my diaper under any circumstances" phase. The second she is not pinned down, she is on her belly and the next second she is sitting. This is REALLY not pretty when there is a poopy diaper. I have resorted to allowing her to play with the cordless phone in order to change her diaper without any screaming and/or poop smearing.

- She still demands that we spend as much time as possible walking with her. If I force her to sit down so I can do something silly, like take supper out of the oven before it burns, she lets me know she disapproves by screaming. She has no intention of trying to walk by herself anytime soon.

- She lets everyone know when she is displeased by screaming. How do I stop the screaming?

- She finally likes books! However she doesn't give a hoot about what any book is about, she just loves turning pages. And a book with pages and flaps is even better.

On to the pictures...

I am 11 months old....

 

...and I know how stinkin' cute I am...

 

 ...and chewing my fingers is the only 

thing that helps with the teething pain...

...and I have a giant head? 

What are you doing down there Mama?

Could it be okay if the Mayan's were right?

I told D.G. that we shouldn't be stressing out over preparing for Christmas since the world may be ending on the 21st.  However, I also said that if the world has to end I'm glad that it's now and not either of the last 2 years. At least now, I'm relatively happy and I've had 11 months with C.S. Is being able to joke about the end of the world a good thing or a sign that I'm still totally messed up?

Where did the last week and half go? It's driving me nuts that preparing for a holiday I don't particularly want to celebrate is taking up so much of my time. I think we are nearly done all the shopping. D and I are working on making Christmas cards again. I've done the monthly grocery shopping and bought a lot chocolate to use for baking (chocolate being one the parts of Christmas I still want to partake in). I just want to find a way to put my head down and get through Christmas without too much effort or deep thought.