Saturday, December 3, 2011

20 months

I swear it was just yesterday that we hit 19 months. I can even remember writing the post in the hospital. I am so all over the map right now. I can casually bring up Reid around other people (some who know, some who don't) without tearing up. I also have 20 minute cries triggered by a dad on CS.I.Mia.mi hugging his son and calling him "little man".

I finally went through all the babyloss things that were in the "baby room". It only took me 20 months to be able to make myself do it. I found plenty of meaningless paper work that could be shredded without remorse and completely unhelpful brochures that could be recycled without tears. I boxed up the casts of Reid's hands and feet and sorted out all the cards we received after he died, last Christmas (the whole whopping 3 that mentioned him) and on his first birthday. All the cards and little things have now been moved to the designated drawer in my nightstand. Reid's ashes however are still in the crib, waiting for me to be able to divide his blanket so his ashes and going home outfit and blanket will fit into the box I want them to fit into. (That's my first job when bed rest ends in 2 weeks.) It was a hard afternoon looking at all those reminders, but I am glad I finally did it. I almost feel like I should do some kind of spiritual cleansing in the baby room now. Not to get rid of any part of Reid, but to clean up all the sadness, loneliness, desperation and anger that poured out of me in that room in the months after Reid died. I want Thing 3 to know their big brother, but they don't need to be surrounded by the pain of losing him.

I love you Reid, and I think about you constantly these days.You will always be our little man.


Catherine W said...

He will.

I'm glad you felt good about sorting out the room and I think Thing 3 will know the love that you have for his big brother xo

Lisa said...

I remember doing this - it was so hard and I had so much guilt. Like I was "moving on" from Adelyn to make way for Coen. Now that he is here I don't feel that way. I still don't know what to do with Adelyn's stuff - for now they are in the closet in the nursery, but someday I will have to find a new place for them. I can't seem to decide how to organize all of it - the box the hospital gave us, the cards, other momentos we got along the way.