Trying to adjust to life without my son...
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Post-October 15th Issues
I felt like such a bad DBM last weekend. I planned a date for D.G. and myself for Saturday night, not realizing that it was October 15th. I had to light my candles around 6 pm and then after 10 pm when we got home. It was a delayed anniversary date that I had already rescheduled once (due to my massive cold that I still haven't completely gotten rid of) so I couldn't cancel again. We had a really nice evening which made me feel even more like a bad DBM. Of course we cancelled out the nice evening by spending most of Sunday arguing/fighting. Apparently I am too controlling right now. Not really shocking that a woman who couldn't/can't control any of the "big" things in life, like whether her children live or die, is slightly obsessed with controlling the little things in life. (So much for being proud that we are still together and sometimes happy after 10 years of marriage and 18 months of grief.) Hormones ensured that there was lots of crying on my part too so I felt like complete crap all around. Why can't anything be easy for more than 12 hours in a row?
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3 comments:
I wish it could be. Everything you have been through definitely takes a toll. Hoping for better days ahead for you.
Last year I didn't even get to light a candle because we were out of town at my mother-in-law's. I wanted to do it outside, on top of Mount Royal in Montreal, but it was pouring rain. So my first October 15th as a DBM, I didn't even light a candle and I felt terrible about it.
Oh my dear. You are dealing with so much right now, please be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up. You aren't a 'bad' DBM for having a nice evening! And of course you want to try and control things, that is totally understandable. Being pregnant is an 'out of control' time anyway and, being DBMs, we have a full and proper appreciation of just HOW out of control. Wishing you better and more peaceful days ahead xo
What Catherine said.
And also - don't forget that even 'normal' couples fight. You can still be extremely proud of being together for ten years and for still being sometimes happy.
Remember the really hard first days? 12 easy hours in a row would have seemed like an impossible dream.
Thinking of you xxx
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