Telling the most important person

We told D this week about Thing 3. I felt like we had to because I am showing and I REALLY didn't want her to find out when somebody (who has no idea how scary a subsequent pregnancy is) walked up to me and said, "When is the new baby due?". We told her that she would always be Reid's big sister but that there was now another baby who we hoped would come home and live with us. I showed her the little snippet of video on my phone that I snuck out of the U/S clinic after the NT scan. Then she wanted to see pictures of herself in mommy's tummy which lead to looking through the one album of printed pictures we have of her. (We do have thousands of pictures, they are just all digital files on the computer). Then D surprised us by saying she wanted to see pictures of Reid in mommy's tummy too. Well I wasn't about to say no to that, so I went and got the album I made for him and she went all the way through it. She even looked at the pictures taken of Reid after he died although she got a little confused about them. (I think she has an idea that "dead" looks different but she couldn't explain herself.) Going through that album with her made D.G. cry, but I was just so happy that she asked to see the pictures of Reid and that she does think of him as part of our family.

Why don't they have mental ex-lax?

Sorry if this is really gross but most people reading this have been pregnant. I am so constipated, mentally, emotionally and literally. The literal one is the most annoying but at least there are treatments for it. Besides, it's normal for me, every time I've gotten a positive test I've gotten blocked up. The constipation even outlasted the pregnancy in March.

I intended to write something here every day for the last week, but when I find the time, either I find an excuse to not even open my laptop or I can't get anything out of head onto the screen. I have at least three ideas for posts but can't actually write them. Days are passing but things inside my head are frozen. When big things happen, like the bleeding, the words can force their way out but little things that happen every day and slowly wear me down aren't enough to get things out of my head.

And I'm not just neglecting this blog, I started another one for the pregnancy stuff, not that I can say that this pregnancy is not directly related to Reid's death, but it's just a place to keep track of what happens and to blather on about this pregnancy (and look at tickers . I still don't know if it's worth making it public, especially if I can't write anything, but if I don't, no one will know why we're calling this baby Thing 3. (yeah the 3 part is kinda obvious but there's more to it than that.)

Good news

Scan went well and all looks good with Thing 3. Obviously I am very relieved but still worried. There is no explanation for the bleeding and the actual point of the scan was to screen for problems and there is still the possibility of this baby having one of those problems. It would be so much easier if I could just go back to being naive and blindly hopeful.

Should know something today

I meant to post an update last night, but the power went out for most of the evening and took my internet connection with it. (It was sunny and clear, but not super hot so we have no idea why we had no electricity for 2.5 hours.) No blood since Monday at noon (knock on wood) so I am optimistic about this scan today, but still very nervous. I will let you all know as soon as I can.

Settling in for the wait

Thank you for all the love and support in the last 24 hours. Things seem to have settled down and there was only brownish tinted CM today. Of course I spent most of the day laying in bed and reading to avoid any exertion and do as little thinking (=worrying) as possible. I discovered that 1 TV show is not enough to distract me anymore and at one point was watching the women's worl.d cup soc.cer match, the brit.ish open and The Princess Diaries at the same time. (My husband was so proud of my channel surfing)

I already had an appointment for a NT scan for this Thursday so I am going to do my best to hold on until that appointment. Which I admit will be easier to do if there is no new bleeding.

I was just getting to the point where I was started to allow myself to get excited about this. I was thinking I needed to take a picture of the belly I can't really hide anymore and now, I'm not sure there is a point.

D.G. and I went out for his birthday tonight. We stuffed ourselves with fabulous food and then I went on a perfectly innocent trip to the washroom. There was blood, not a lot and not new blood, but enough to freak me out and ruin our evening. (Well really any amount of blood is enough to freak me out right now.) I want to believe I just overdid the scrubbing of the bathroom floors this morning, but I can't write this off and not worry. How do I make myself believe that there is still a chance things are okay?

I guess it's time

A while back Suzy posted asking about how long would a normal person stare at 2 pink lines. Well, I by no means qualify as normal anywhere but here in Dead Baby Land, but I am still staring at mine 7 weeks later. I know it's completely un-hygienic, but I can't bring myself to toss them away so there they sit on the back of the toilet, reassuring me that it really did happen and I am currently knocked up. (We do have an ensuite so D and the general public don't see them.)

Mostly I am anxious and afraid to tell anyone (including you guys), but this is better than the alternatives of either having lost another little one or not conceiving at all. We told everyone right about this point (11 weeks) with both D and Reid but right now we have just told the people who need to know or that are guaranteed to be helpful no matter what happens. We won't be able to keep this a secret for too much longer as I already am showing (thanks to combination of leftover belly and this being #3) and my summer clothes are not good for hiding things.

So far everything is "normal" but I am trying to not let myself get carried away with plans for January and beyond. Please stick with me for the long wait ahead.

Getting the word out

A few days before we left on our trip to visit my parents, one of the founders of my support group asked if D.G. and I would be willing to do an interview with our local paper about our story. They had hoped to get a story in the paper before the big fundraising golf tournament in June, but the call from the paper didn't come until 2 weeks after. We did a phone interview from my parents' house on June 23rd, but the article didn't appear in the paper in yesterday. I know sharing this will potentially blow any illusion of privacy I have about my blog (and I do know that privacy is an illusion) but I still feel compelled to do it.

Now I must preface this with the information that the reporter who interviewed us and the support group founder was really young and did not understand anything about pregnancy or loss so some of the article just sounds off. He also got the background about Lori-Ann's losses wrong in addition to spelling D.G.'s name incorrectly throughout the whole article. Despite those issues, I think the article still gets the message out that there is support here for those who are dealing with loss and that's what is important.

The article is on-line here.

Real Progress

I did something on Sunday that I haven't done since well before Reid died. (Unless you count buying rubber boots at W*lm*rt, and as a recovering shoe addict I don't.) I bought a new pair of shoes. I knew they were meant to be mine when I found out they only had the display left and they were size 10's. (Please ignore my ugly, un-pedicured feet).

I also was hunting for a necklace to wear with the dress I bought for my cousin's wedding in August but that was totally frustrating and unproductive. (The shoe shopping was also frustrating but at least I found something in the end.) I spent a few pleasant hours on Et.sy over the last 2 days and was rewarded with finding this necklace although I could have bought at least a dozen that didn't go with the dress. Internet shopping is so much more pleasant than real-life shopping. No getting dressed, no internal comparisons with other shoppers that leave your self-esteem at microscopic levels, no dealing with sales people and no unexpected baby sitings.

My 15 months is someone else's 1 year

Sending love to Missy on Chai's first birthday. I have been thinking of you all day and I hope that all of your plans turned out beautifully. I am still searching for the perfect wind chime for my garden to remind me of you and Chai and I can't wait to hear them outside my window.

---

We've been home for nearly a week and I've just been in this really weird place. I'm trying to just avoid thinking, about anything, altogether. Today mark's 15 months since Reid died and by now he should be this walking, talking little person. I still wonder what he would look like and what his voice would sound like (and what it would be like to be a relatively normal person. Seriously I don't really remember. It's like everything that happened before Reid happened to someone else.) I just want to survive the next couple months until D goes back to preschool and I can go back to my semi-comfortable routine where I hide from the world most of the time and suffer no guilt about D not having enough time with other kids.