I'm not just tired anymore. There is a serious amount of feeling sorry for myself going on. Not so much about Reid not being here, mostly about not be able to get pregnant. (well pregnant with a viable pregnancy if you want to get technical). A couple from my support group whose daughter died 10 days before Reid are being induced tomorrow. Their plan for trying again was to just wait and see what happens. I mean it's great for them, but it hurts to watch.
I now know there is a kind of waiting that is crappier than the normal 2ww, waiting for your cycle to restart after a blighted ovum, miscarriage or other false start. I have no idea when things will happen but I was told there is no reason to wait to try again so I am going nuts waiting for some sign from my body. I am determined to not miss whatever tiny window might be open.
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While I am bitching and moaning, I might as well get some other stuff out of my head too. We were surprised and touched by thoughtful gestures from family and friends over the last week (will post about that when I am feeling more positive) but right now it's the people who didn't do or say anything about Reid's first anniversary who are on my mind. We didn't here anything, not anything at all, from any member of D.G.'s family. Not his mom, not either of his sisters, not his dad. I know Hallmark doesn't make a card for this occasion but really wouldn't you think that you should say something to your son/brother around the time that his child should have his first birthday? Urgh, it is getting harder by the day to tell myself that I should make an effort to have a real relationship with these people for D.G. and D's sakes.
3 comments:
It's really, really shit that you are still here after all this time.
My husband's father has never said a single word, sent a card, called, even sent a text message about us losing the baby. Or about this pregnancy come to that. It makes me so angry. It's his birthday next week and D got him a 'dad' birthday card that says something about him being a great father and it makes me so angry. He's a shitty excuse for a father but cutting him out of our lives isn't my decision :( So, I can relate.
Yeah, the not pregnant thing. I don't believe in anything any more. This month, I ovulated on the 2nd, my period is due on the 13th. Thanks, universe. Snort.
As for people, I dunno. Honestly, I just have no idea how to deal with it all. Most people in my life have been great but the ones who weren't - grr.
I can relate to the radio silence around Reid's first Birthday. We experienced the same thing. Nothing from my family, and while K's family checked in, it was really friends and online communities who propped us up in March.
The pain of absence is made so much more acute by what some people don't say. And so I'm sorry you're aching this way. Reid was here, he is loved and very much missed, no matter what people do or don't say.
Sometimes the hardest part of surviving the loss of a baby (or child or partner) is learning a new set of expectations about people, and redefining how you relate to them. It's normal, but painful.
Sending your entire family love,
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