Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Add me to the list...

...the list of women who thought they were getting another chance at this baby thing and then had that chance taken away too.

See, I got a BFP just over 2 weeks ago but wasn't ready to share the news, partly because I was in shock and scared and partly because I didn't want to take the focus off Reid's 1st anniversary. He doesn't get a real birthday but I still wanted his day to be about him, not about a new baby. I was happy to finally be pregnant and I started to make appointments and plans. I had just under 2 weeks of thinking that come November I might get to bring home a live baby. I started to feel queasy and peeing like crazy and I could smell things a mile away. Then this past Friday, I started spotting. Saturday, it turned into blood flow that lasted until Monday afternoon. When the bleeding slowed down I thought maybe things would be okay, maybe I lost a twin or the placenta was growing close to my cervix. I never had any cramping and didn't pass any big clots and overall there was less bleeding than a normal period. I got in for an U/S this morning and there was no sign of a baby anywhere. (There was a very VERY thorough internal scan, woo hoo.) Luckily (ha ha), the U/S clinic is in the same building where Dr. K was working that day so I was sent downstairs to see her and get the official word. (The radiologist is going with blighted ovum.) I did get a hug along with the paperwork for a hcg series. I guess now it's all over except for the crying and the blood tests.

I "knew" that this was a possibility, I mean I saw the same kind of thing happen to too many people especially over the last couple weeks, but I thought I would be one of the ones who somehow snuck through and made it out with a live kid this time. The universe is definitely not on my side. Who "loses" another baby the week before the first anniversary of their full term stillbirth, even if it turns out that that baby only existed in my head?

17 comments:

Ava's mummy said...

I am so very sorry, that is such sad news. The baby did exist and was much loved for all the time you knew he or she was inside you. That will continue too, nothing can change that at all. Our love for our babies is forever.

Sending you much love and hugs.

LauraJane said...

I'm sorry you're going through this. :( Of course while you know it might happen again, you obviously hope for the best even. It's frustrating it's completely outside of your control. I hope you get your rainbow soon.

missliany said...

I know that I'm sorry just doesn't cut it...but I ahve nothing else to say. I am so, so sorry to hear this. *hugs*

Angela said...

I'm so sorry. I wish there were better words, some way to ease the pain. Love and hugs.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

As everyone else has said, I am so sorry. Truly and deeply. I started reading your post and I felt a bit of hope and excitement because I was so hoping you would be pregnant, and thought just maybe you were...and then felt crushed to read on that this baby died. And if that's how I feel, I can only imagine what your experiencing.

My heart is with you.

Glo said...

Car, I am so sorry. Obviously you know I can relate and am dealing with the same kind of sh*ity news.

Many Many Hugs

fireworksandrainbows said...

I am so sorry. I seem to be writing that a lot in blog comments these days.

No words can help I know, but so many prayers for you, can't be a bad thing.

Jessica said...

Oh Car I am so very sorry :( There is no way to express how sad I am for you. You will be in my prayers <3 (((hugs))) <3

Annette said...

I am so so sorry Car. And I know the level of disappointment and horrible timing- V's anniversary is in less than a month, and we just lost her baby sibling. :'( Its just not right, its just not fair. I wish I could hug you and cry with you.

Hanen said...

oh no. So so sorry to hear this. Bloody hell. Sending so much love & treading this same hard path with you xxxh

Missy said...

I'm so sorry Car~ I really don't know what to say about all of these losses except that it sucks and makes zero sense. I am thinking of you and sending love your way.

Dana said...

I was so hopeful when I saw your title. I thought you would say to add you to the list of pregnant women. I'm so sorry that you are being added to this list that I belong too. I had a blighted ovum in November, which I lost at 10 weeks. It was nice while it lasted when I thought there was a chance of bringing a baby home, for once.

You think you would be exempt from future losses once you've had one. I wish it worked that way.

I'm so sorry and my heart is aching for you.

cullensblessings said...

Car I am so sorry for what you have been through,, the pain and anger come boiling back to the surface at the injustice of yet another pregnancy loss. know that there are many around you, including myself who understand and are here to talk. I wish things were different... easier. i wish the naivete I had so many years ago about pregnancy was still here. Sending you love and light mamma...

B said...

This makes me so angry and so sad. It's not fair.
And the timing. Really, universe? You couldn't have come up with more horrible timing if you tried.

I'm so sorry Car. It's not fair. I really thought that about now you might get to be one of the lucky ones. I wish you were posting that you had seen a heartbeat.

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry Car. I'm really pissed off that this keeps happening to so many of us in this community. Really, isn't once enough??

Amy von Oven said...

I know just how you feel because the same thing happened to me only days before the anniversary of Bethanys 1st birthday on May 3 last year. IT WAS SO HARD. I just didn't understand, it made it so hard to move on. I am so sorry you are hurting and having to go through this. My prayers are with you.

Brooke said...

I really wanted to start this comment with a series of expletives but I decided to keep it rated PG. I hate that this happens to anyone, and I'm so sorry that it happened to you right before the one year anniversary. (I also don't know how I've only just now discovered your blog, but I'm so glad you left a comment on mine.)