Saturday, February 19, 2011

Perfectly reasonable procrastination

Now I will go back to putting off dealing with the anger, at least for a couple more days. I think I have a valid reason. Tomorrow is my birthday which I have been dreading for the last month because I don't want to have to listen to people saying "Happy Birthday" when I am so far from happy and since I have far too much politeness bread into me I can't yell at people about how I really feel when they they say it. Tomorrow also happens to be 6 weeks until the 1 year anniversary of Reid's death so I will have enough things to be upset about without trying to deal with the anger.

D thinks it wonderful that it's mommy's birthday so I will have to suck things up for her sake to a certain extent. I think she mostly just realizes that a birthday in the house means cake/cupcakes for her and I can get behind the dessert part of my birthday even if I want to pretend that it's just a regular day. D.G. is taking me out of supper so I have to find a way to make myself "nice restaurant" presentable. At least restaurant tables can be counted on to hide the c-section belly that I will never get rid of unless someone starts handing out free tummy tucks to DBM's. (I have to hope the lighting is ridiculously dim so that no one will see the gray hairs that I have not had cut or coloured in the last 11 months. )

7 comments:

Jeanette said...

I hope today is not as awful as you are anticipating.x

Missy said...

Wishing you a peaceful birthday mama!

B said...

I hope you enjoy the cupcakes and that the restaurant is suitably dim. sending hugs xxx

delaney's mom said...

your daughter will make you feel better! i didn't feel like celebrating either - i turned 30 - but having her sing happy birthday to me and "writing" a card to me made it so much better. i still missed Lillian (of course) as i had always made this stupid promise to myself that i would have had all my children before i was 30 years old. Lillian should have been born right around my birthday so it was very hard. i know your husband won't be concerned about your appearance at dinner. he obviously loves you very much. sometimes it's hard to see that through the grief.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Thinking of you on your birthday.

I read your post and was reminded of my own first birthday without Acacia. I sure didn't feel like celebrating, but there was the expectation to do so. It was a rough day for me.

Sending you peace and love.

missliany said...

My birthday is coming up next month...I'm not AT ALL looking forward to it. It's on the 7th, and it will also be the 7 month anniversary of Chloe's birth/death. I hope you make it though.

I have something I want to e-mail you, but I don't think you have an e-mail link on your page. If you are not comfortable sharing your e-mail with me, no worries, but if you wouldn’t mind you can contact me, my e-mail is in my profile.

Dana said...

I hope today isn't too bad. You can always not answer to phone and let people leave messages. Thinking of you.