Still here, just haven't been able to string thoughts together into posts. I have just been feeling mentally and physically exhausted most of this week. D.G. went back to work after having 11 days off for Christmas so I think part of it was just re-adjusting to the "normal" routine around here. The rest of it is more complicated.
I know many of us have to use the "fake it 'til you make it" strategy to survive normal everyday situations that were turned into tortuous, epic ordeals after losing our children. I have avoided having to do this too much by simply avoiding pretty much anything I can. Taking D to preschool and having to watch the other parents with their babies is about the only torture I haven't run away from. (I may be happiest as a hermit, but I don't want D to forget how to interact with other humans.) I've still been forced to fake being "normal" at certain times, like when I run into people I know in the grocery store, and it's not getting easier. I am sick and tired of faking it for other people because there are no signs of "making it" I can see. I still would be perfectly happy to spend 90% of my time 100% alone. I still go days without bothering to shower or slap some moisturizer on my face. I still can't make decisions or commit to anything. Yes, things could be worse, I'm not back where I was before the EMDR therapy I did in November/December. The best way I can put it is that my lows are not so low, but my overall feelings are not anymore positive. Does that make sense? My geeky engineer self wants to draw a graph as a visual aid, but I will restrain myself.