Friday, January 7, 2011

It's just not getting better

Still here, just haven't been able to string thoughts together into posts. I have just been feeling mentally and physically exhausted most of this week. D.G. went back to work after having 11 days off for Christmas so I think part of it was just re-adjusting to the "normal" routine around here. The rest of it is more complicated.

I know many of us have to use the "fake it 'til you make it" strategy to survive normal everyday situations that were turned into tortuous, epic ordeals after losing our children. I have avoided having to do this too much by simply avoiding pretty much anything I can. Taking D to preschool and having to watch the other parents with their babies is about the only torture I haven't run away from. (I may be happiest as a hermit, but I don't want D to forget how to interact with other humans.) I've still been forced to fake being "normal" at certain times, like when I run into people I know in the grocery store, and it's not getting easier. I am sick and tired of faking it for other people because there are no signs of "making it" I can see. I still would be perfectly happy to spend 90% of my time 100% alone. I still go days without bothering to shower or slap some moisturizer on my face. I still can't make decisions or commit to anything. Yes, things could be worse, I'm not back where I was before the EMDR therapy I did in November/December. The best way I can put it is that my lows are not so low, but my overall feelings are not anymore positive. Does that make sense? My geeky engineer self wants to draw a graph as a visual aid, but I will restrain myself.

6 comments:

My New Normal said...

It's a slow road we're all on. I think it is a positive thing that your lows are not as low as they once were. It's progress.

Be patient with yourself. I also believe in the fake it before you make it theory. We just have to fake it for a while longer.

Rochelle said...

It's been over two years here and I still have those days. Any sort of progress is still progress though, right?

Merry said...

Cara, how were you nine months out from D's birth? I've realised this week that I'm having a normal 9 month hormonal slump, less to do with Freddie's death and more to do with having given birth nine months ago. Could it be something similar?

God, I wish this could get better.

Catherine W said...

As a fellow numbers geek . . .draw the graph! I drew a graph on my blog once, don't let me be the only one. I'm all about the visual aids.

You make perfect sense to me. Its good that the lows are no longer as low as they once were.

I think I'd probably quite happy to spend most of my time on my own too. Constantly having to pretend that everything is fine can be quite draining. x

car said...

Merry, I don't remember having any PPD issues after D was born, but that's not to say that it couldn't be happening this time. I definitely didn't go through a seriously anti-social phase like I am now.

Amy von Oven said...

It has been a year in half since I lost my daughter, and I was just writting a new blog today about the REALLY bad day I had. The one thing I have learned is that it is ok, dont ever put a time limit on how long you should hurt or be in a "funk". It will come and go. Yes, time will make somedays easier, but you will always miss your child and you will always long to have them back and no one can or should take that from you! I know how hard it is to be around people, and the feeling to just want to run away! Im glas I found your blog and I will be praying for you! Amy...