Monday, January 3, 2011

9 months

Today is 9 months since Reid died. I know many of us feel this anniversary is particularly difficult because it marks the point where our children have been dead for as along as they were with us. (if you happen to have lost a full term baby) I haven't been thinking about that too much since to my way of thinking I passed that milestone mid-December. What has been bothering me the most is that 9 months later, I am still not pregnant. I am starting to "try" to prepare myself to hear that someone who had a living child in the flood of births before and after Reid's death is pregnant again. Because it is bound to happen, my luck is just that good.

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I keep thinking about this time last year when I could just barely get my ski pants on to go play in the snow with D. They fit no problem now and I can slide down any hill I want without worrying about falling the wrong way and I'm out there with her and D.G. instead of staying at home with a napping baby. It just seems that the reminders of last year and what this year was supposed to be like are everywhere and I can't stop myself from thinking about all of it.

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Today, D decided to wear her "Big Sister to an Angel" t-shirt without any hints or suggestions from me. (I swear I didn't even offer it up as possibility.) I so needed that, even if she had no idea that today was an anniversary or even what the heck an anniversary is. Of course she is obsessed with being a sister so that is probably why she picked it. All her toys now have sisters, even the cars. And she knows she is a big sister, we tell her that all the time, but I just wonder how long it will be until she starts asking when she will get a little brother or sister who will live with us. Right now she is happy enough with "some day we will have another baby" but I know that answer won't work forever. How do I explain the inability to get pregnant (I can't call it IF for another few months) to a 3 year old?

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Just want to tell all the other DBM's whose babies' anniversaries fall on the 3rd, that I am thinking of you. Missy and Sadkitty,* I hate that what we share is so awful, but am still glad that I have someone to share it with. If any of my other readers also have anniversaries on the 3rd, please let me know so I can remember who is marking milestones with us and who else knows that the 3rd of any month sucks.

*Edited because my brain apparently doesn't work. Sorry again, Merry.

9 comments:

Missy said...

Thinking of you too momma. Lit candles for Reid and Juniper, but wasn't aware of Merry so I'll add that to the list. It's a shitty list. I've been trying not to let the whole not pregnant yet thing bother me, but apparently we should already be there according to the random a-holes I've been in contact with lately. Way to add more stress to an already stressful situation. Here's to hoping we get those BFP's soon. Much love to you!

Merry said...

Sending you love and thoughts, though feeling I can't really add myself to the list, much as I want to be totally twinned with you. Freddie was born on the 2nd but didn't die till the 13th. I was so lucky, so terribly, horribly, lucky, to get that half time with him. He might as well have died straight away, but I did get to hold him and hope for him.

Lots of love to you. Hoping this is our month.

car said...

Merry, I am sorry for having my dates so mixed up. I don't know why my brain made the 1 in 13 disappear, but I apologize. Maybe I just subconsciously want there to be someone who started feeling awful on the exact same day I did. However, Reid and Freddie's "days" are close enough together that combined with the fact that we are both still waiting for another chance that I do feel an extra bond with you. Thank you for being so understanding and not freaking out about my mistake. Hoping that we get our chances this month too.

Merry said...

Wasn't freaked at all; felt like I was misleading you a bit, that was all. Having just recently had something I relied on unstitched, I didn't want you to realise later and be upset :)

His birth date is the one that catches me, the one I feel kinship with. The 13th passes me by utterly, I never notice it. And really those 11 days could have been 11 days, 11 minutes, 11 hours, 11 seconds. They were dreadful and wonderful and passed in a blur.

Dana said...

Thinking about you and Reid today.

Angela said...

My heart catches every time I see you pass another anniversary because it means I've got another one coming up soon.

I too am preparing for my friends to announce their next pregnancies. I don't know why so many of us are struggling to get pregnant right now. I hope a BFP is on the horizon for you soon.

Thinking of your sweet Reid.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Thinking of you and Reid.

I read your post and was reminded of my own 9 month anniversary, which was also marked by another month of not getting pregnant. I too hope a BFP is on the horizon VERY soon.

Much love.

Lucid Anne said...

Sweet sweet Reid. <3 I'm sorry I'm late, but nonetheless, my thoughts and lovins are with you. Nine months is coming the day after our wedding anniversary this month... I expect I will be a mess. Thank goodness I have the day off.

Amy von Oven said...

I am a new reader on your blog, but my daughters anniversary is May 3, 2009....So I understand how you feel about the 3rd of the month.