So I think I can finally say Christmas is over. Not that we really celebrated Christmas. I still don't want to think about God so there were no trips to church. We kept things very low key and luckily D is still young enough to not know the difference between how things are and how they could have been or have been in the past. Now I just have to pack up the Christmas tree and put away the decorations that D made and we can try to move on. (ha ha)
My parents ended up here for 3 days starting late on Boxing Day until this morning. D.G. wasn't too thrilled but he understands that it's hard for me to say no to my parents because overall they have done so much for us (like make it possible financially for me to stay at home with D indefinitely while I "try" to figure out how to live again.) Parts of their visit were nice, like the part where they would get up with D and we could sleep in and the part where they babysat D so we could go out for supper in a restaurant without any children. Other parts were less pleasant, like the part where yet again no one noticed that we had Reid's portrait hanging up in the living room. I finally confronted my mom and she claimed to have not noticed it. Whatever. We had a big long discussion that basically solved nothing and just made me cry for a couple hours. I just don't understand why if people care so much and just don't know what to do to help, why can't they ask what they can do? Oh wait, I know, because they don't want to have to do things they think are awkward or weird, like talk about dead babies. I right out told my mom that I wanted her to say that she was feeling sad and missing her grandson, but apparently that is too much for her to do. I'm just supposed to "know" somehow. Maybe it is selfish, but I am drowning in my own pile of grief, I can't think about other people's grief unless they are willing to share it with me. I just have to get back to not expecting anything from most people so that I'm not disappointed when they pretend that nothing has happened. I just let myself hope that the "spirit of Christmas" would be enough to move people to say something, anything really, to me about Reid or our loss or just that this must be a hard time for us. More proof that a little hope is a dangerous thing.
5 comments:
So very sorry that the holidays weren't what you expected and that your family seems to be having such a hard time expressing themselves and their grief. Everyone deals with it in such a different way. Big hugs and lots of love as you ring in the new year.
(((hugs)))
I think I have accepted the fact that things are not going to get better in terms of how people treat or view us baby lost moms. I'm so tired of being disappointed. The holiday did nothing if solidify the horrible injustice of it all. Thinking of you and sending the kind of love, that we can only give each other.
I have also been disappointed in my family this year. I can't figure out if we're just expecting too much from them or if we're just much less patient and tolerant. Either way, we are grieving and vulnerable and we get hurt very easily. So sorry your family isn't able to support you in the way you need them too.
i've figured out that it's really hard for some of my friends and relatives to talk about her because, simply - this is not supposed to happen and it's just too hard from them to deal with. people that haven't gone through it don't know what is the "right" thing to say simply because nothing about this situation is "right". understanding this - i still wish they would try a little harder and if they don't know what or how to say things i wish they would care about me enough to ask and wouldn't ever ignore the baby's existence. best wishes.
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