Very brief update on Thing 3

Reid is officially a big brother! Will post more soon.

Reid Inspired Craftiness

Lots of pictures today. First here are some pics of the ornament I received from Akemi for the Remembering Together Holiday Swap. It's beautiful (and I don't care that it was late, I'm just happy it finally arrived) and I'm glad that I didn't totally screw up Jenni's wonderful swap so badly that I didn't receive an ornament.  Please excuse the pictures without a Christmas tree as ours came down last week. (when it looked like Thing 3 would arrive on the 4th.)

With Thing 3's arrival getting closer and closer, the urge to do (or at least plan) some crafts and projects for them has arrived too. I do plan to post some pictures of the blanket, hat and booties I made while in bedrest although I'm not sure where to post them. (I do know I will wait until after the arrival because they are pretty gender specific and I am enjoying torturing some friends with the suspense). We have also bought the supplies to make wall hangings of both D and Thing 3's names for their rooms. (D is getting a set as a way to help her feel included in all the baby hoopla.) This of course made me want to do Reid's name in some way too. 9" tall letters spelling out his name in the baby room seemed like a bit too much but then I came across an idea while researching how to do the other 2 names.

I love how they turned out. D helped me paint the red background and the the blue argyle pattern is very close to the argyle pattern fabric that I used for his baby blanket. One side is uppercase letters and the opposite side is lower case letters:

This is where the blocks are going to stay for now, on a shelf in the "baby room" where I can see then while while I sit and rock Thing 3. I think they will be a perfect but subtle reminder of Thing 3's big brother.

And now I'm off to have a good cry because while making this made me happy, writing about it has made me really sad.

21 months

In my head I debated on whether or not I would write a 21 months post. Then today happened and I needed to write something, sorry if it's rambling and disjointed.

I know this next little while is going to be filled with reminders of things that I didn't get to do for Reid. (that is if Thing 3 ever comes out and comes to live with us.) I had a huge cry yesterday in the shower just thinking of all the things I wish I would done for Reid after he died. Good thing I didn't get started on all the things I wish I could have done with a living child or I would still be in there crying.

There will still be lots of chances for me to say, ".. and my son would be 21 months old if he had lived." over the next little while too. I plan to take every chance I get so that a least a few people will think of Reid in the middle of the fuss over Thing 3's arrival (at least I hope there will be a baby to make a fuss over).

I really wanted to make the 3rd a less crappy day for myself by making it the day before a really good day but the universe (or whoever is in charge of fetal development) didn't agree with that plan. Not much I can do about it, but I am so fed up with having my plans tossed out the window.

2012

I had plans to write a proper New Year post, but coming down with a nasty cold overnight as the calendar rolled over to 2012 nixed that plan. We actually "celebrated" New Year's this year by having a family potluck and fireworks watching party. Our community sets off the big fireworks display at 8 pm on New Year's Eve and we live close enough to the park where they do it that we can see the big fireworks from our back yard. It sounds quite festive and "normal", but it wasn't an a coincidence that the friends that were invited to joined us only have daughters (or living daughters in one case.)

The waiting for Thing 3's arrival has pretty much taken over our lives the last couple days. The feeling of being stuck in limbo isn't helped by D.G. being off on holidays and all of D's activities being on hold over Christmas. It's hard to go on about our "normal" lives when nothing is normal.(It clearly hasn't been normal since the end of October but at least we had a daily routine to follow.)

I still don't really believe that I am going to get a living baby out of all this, but I just want to be done with it. No more waiting, no more worrying about the delivery or going into labour "early". I also want to be done with all the remembrances of and comparisons to 2 years ago, the last holiday season when I was pregnant. I just want to have this baby and get on with figuring out our new life, whatever that is going to look like.

Christmas 2011

Sending peace and love to all my friends and readers 

and their children, where ever they may be.

 My gift from G. My plan is to put all the letters thanking us for the donations 

we make in honor of Reid at Christmas time in his stocking.

 

The ornament I made this year. I kept some things from the flower arrangement 

my aunt gave us last year and they made the perfect filling for the ornament.

Christmas Eve 2011

I have not spent the last month and half in a constant state of dread like the last part of 2010. It's not that I have been looking forward to Christmas 2011, but I am dealing with it better.

Being in the middle of what has become a high-risk-like pregnancy and Thing 3's imminent arrival has provided plenty on non-Christmas related distractions. It has also given me plenty of excuses to stay home and avoid as much of Christmas as I want. (I better start looking into a plan for next year now while I still have a tiny amount of brain function left.) But it's not just the new baby distracting me.

I decided that the Christmas tree should be upstairs this year and have more than the ornaments made for Reid and those that D made at school on it. However, I did let 2 four year olds do most of the decorating which allowed me to not focus on the fact that the bottom of the tree should be naked in order to prevent Reid from having his way with the ornaments. The sad thoughts about what should have been are still in my head, but I can think them without crying, most of the time.

I have stopped hoping that anyone outside my little family will mention Reid in relation to Christmas. (and by anyone, I mean all those people who aren't missing their own children too.) I would be thrilled to find a mention of him in a Christmas card, but it doesn't send me into a sobbing fit when he isn't. I am pretty bitter about other people's ability to have live children though so the Christmas letters where I found out that D.G.'s cousins have managed to have 2 live children in the time since we started trying for just one more make me wish our fireplace was wood-burning instead of gas.

(I did receive a beautiful gift from my wonderful friend G and hopefully I will be able to take a good picture of it tonight to post tomorrow.)

This mornings activities had nothing to do with Christmas, and maybe I was just torturing myself by doing it on Christmas Eve, but I felt the need finally split up Reid's blanket and get his ashes and clothing moved from the crib to my nightstand. I don't regret doing it, his things now fit into the box I wanted them to, I have a piece to hold on to when I miss him most and there is a piece that is going to stay under the bottom sheet of the crib right under where Thing 3 will sleep (hopefully). I held it together through actually cutting and sewing the blanket, but putting his piece into the box with his ashes and clothes, I fell apart. Lots of the sadness that is always present and some of the anger that a few others of us have mentioned feeling this year; anger that this is the only thing I can do for my son this Christmas, anger that I can't sing to him, or give him gifts or bake his favorite cookies.

36 hours from now Christmas will be over and the world's focus will be on Bo.xi.ng Day sales and hockey (at least here in my local "world" it will be). Those I can deal with.