Friday, April 12, 2013


So I'm officially skipping week 14 of happiness. The other 51 weeks of the year, I agree that it's import to focus on the happy, but I am letting myself have one week where I don't have to do that. Besides, it would likely just be a re-post of the photos from Reid's birthday.


2 nights ago, I had a dream that just  knocked me a for a loop. It wasn't a dream about Reid or babyloss although I was still the "current" me (dead baby and all) in the dream. I was a contestant on some kind of reality competition. It was something related to interior design but all I remember is that we were all supposed to create some kind of side table with accessories from this big pile of junk. I was fixated on a old telephone and wasted all the time trying to re-wire it so my side table was less than stellar. When it was time to "judge" the projects, I was attacked. No not just attacked, eviscerated is a better word. Everything I had done was garbage and by extension, I was too. I felt utterly destroyed, even after I woke up. Do I hate myself that much? Feel that worthless on a subconscious level? It not a shocking idea that I probably could use some counseling but this was really scary. If I keep having dreams like that, I'm going to have to actually do something about it instead of just saying to myself, "My baby died, how could I not be broken inside?". Three years in, I've gotten used to being broken. Trying to get "fixed" sounds way more scary and painful.


I thought I had more things to say, but they disappeared into the the ether of my tired mind. Tired seems to be what I'm feeling most these days. I don't think I'm sleeping any less but ever since the afternoon of April 3rd, both D.G. and I have been exhausted, all the time. It seemed to me that many people felt a lot of anger as 3rd birthdays/anniversaries approached, but I feel tired. Like this has been a long hard journey and I need a little rest.


Emily said...

Funny, I've been really tired too. Just blah. I keep blaming it on the weather (crappy), illnesses (there have been quite a few this year for our whole family), and other general life stuff. But maybe what I really am is still, well you know...SAD. Aidan's day is just around the corner and maybe I could use a bit of a rest too.

RunningMama said...

Hi, Just found your blog looking through the loss blog list at Stirrup Queens. My son died on April 3, 2013. Horrible terrible day. I'm sorry for your loss, but so happy that you were able to have a rainbow baby.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Love to you, sweet mama! May you find some rest for your weary soul. I know the feelings!

And, my two cents, therapy has been tremendously helpful for me. Finding the right therapist makes all the difference. I wish you well if you decide to embark on this journey.

Whatever it is, take good care of you!