Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A minor epiphany in yoga class

I was in my yoga for grief support class this afternoon, trying to relax into savasana, when I got hit with a realization. I know I've said or felt things similar to it before, but it was like it was dawning on me for the first time. I had been feeling less than great all class because the instructor started the class by asking us to chose an "intention" for the class, a feeling that we wanted to be our own internal theme for the class. Of course I couldn't chose one because I can't set any type of goals for my self. Then as we were laying there in the final relaxation portion of the class she mentioned the intention again and suddenly this "new" truth was in my mind.

I am grieving for myself, not only my son, but "me" too. I lost so much of "me" when Reid died that it feels like there isn't enough of me left to make a whole person. I lost who I was and who I could have been as Reid's mom.

I cried somewhat quietly through most of savasana, although if there had been somewhere that I could have gone and outright bawled without an audience, I would have run out of class.

All the babyloss books talk about dealing with the loss of a child but where is the book that tells me how to deal with the losing myself? Where are the condolence cards for the loss of self? How the hell am I ever going to feel better? (Notice I don't ask for happy or good, just better which for me is anything better than not seriously depressed.)


Dana said...

You put into words what I have been feeling too. I look in the mirror and don't even know who I am most of the time. It is a strange feeling.....I look the same, but I'm not.

Ava's mummy said...

What you and Dana have said makes so much sense to me. I am not the same although I look so similar (so much older, grief does not suit me).

I don't have any answers I'm afraid but what you say resonates very strongly with me, you are not alone in grieving for your lost self.

Wishing you gentleness. x

Elaine said...

I felt that way for awhile too. The only thing I can really say I did was to make a decision to get back to me. I know that sounds so simplified but it was an everyday decision. Do I want to be this person or that person? How do I want to handle this situation? How do I want to deal with this conversation? I had to put my expectations of other people aside and just focus on what I expected of myself. I still have to do it some days. Not really giving you advice but this is what I had to do to get back to being a somewhat "normal Elaine"

delaney's mom said...

i just had to accept that i was a different person. i am not the same "me" that i was before Lillian died, I just had to try to look at myself in that different light. i think i am a more compassionate person now. i think i am a better mother to my living daughter and i know that i appreciate my new baby that i just had more than i would have before. i am trying to create a new focus for my life and that means a new me. hopefully a "better me" will eventually come out of this. good luck to you - i know it's different for every mother and definitely not easy.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Other than the death of Acacia, I think the death of me was/is the hardest part of babyloss that I've dealt with, and will continue to deal with. It's so very hard.

And like others have said, we still look relatively the same on the outside, so others expect us to be the same on the inside, but we're not. Looks can be decieving! I remember hearing my husband say a few months after Acacia's death - "I want my wife back." That was one of the hardest things I've ever heard, because she was gone, and I had no idea who I was or how to get back to some resemblance of "me." I think A LOT of therapy has really helped me.

I don't have any answers, but I've got lots of empathy. Much love to you!

Angela said...

You put into words what I've been feeling for a year now. I feel like I woke up May 15th an entirely different person than I was on May 14th & reconciling and accepting that has been difficult.

I've had to work slowly to regain some of who I was, but I don't think we ever go back to the people we were before our babies died.

Violet1122 said...

I've been thinking similar thoughts for so long now - and you put it perfectly. Even after my rainbow baby, I still feel lost in a way. I'm not who I was. I am doing much, much better - but I still struggle to reconcile the person I am now and the loss of who I was.

Thanks for sharing your epiphany.

butterflymom said...

When you find that book, can you let let me know too? I feel so much of that same kind of pain...the grief of missing the life that was...the person I was....the person I should be. It's painful. Sending you support and love to find some way to accept you for who you are today.

Becky Baker said...

Wow, so true!
I think we are so focused on the one we lost, we forgot that we are also lost in a way!
I sure wish there was a book on that one too!

Hanen said...

Such an amazing realisation to have! And very true - he's your son, so of course he is a part of you - and you have inevitably changed because of being his mom, and losing him. But while you've lost all the possibilities of being mom to a living Reid, you are still doing important parenting work for him now - in grieving for him and living on with his memory. It may not be the parenting work you were expecting or wanting, but it is important and valid nonetheless.

Yoga is good in that way - giving you a space to feel things without having to run away.