I was in my yoga for grief support class this afternoon, trying to relax into savasana, when I got hit with a realization. I know I've said or felt things similar to it before, but it was like it was dawning on me for the first time. I had been feeling less than great all class because the instructor started the class by asking us to chose an "intention" for the class, a feeling that we wanted to be our own internal theme for the class. Of course I couldn't chose one because I can't set any type of goals for my self. Then as we were laying there in the final relaxation portion of the class she mentioned the intention again and suddenly this "new" truth was in my mind.
I am grieving for myself, not only my son, but "me" too. I lost so much of "me" when Reid died that it feels like there isn't enough of me left to make a whole person. I lost who I was and who I could have been as Reid's mom.
I cried somewhat quietly through most of savasana, although if there had been somewhere that I could have gone and outright bawled without an audience, I would have run out of class.
All the babyloss books talk about dealing with the loss of a child but where is the book that tells me how to deal with the losing myself? Where are the condolence cards for the loss of self? How the hell am I ever going to feel better? (Notice I don't ask for happy or good, just better which for me is anything better than not seriously depressed.)