Thursday, May 19, 2011
Remember back when you were first starting to deal with losing your child (or maybe you are just going through this right now) and the advice you got was "fake it til you make it"? Well, it feels like I've gotten really good at faking it, but I haven't made it at all. The veneer over the mess has gotten so thick that I have 2 new problems: 1) "everyone" thinks I'm "okay" when I definitely am not and 2) the mess is trapped inside and I can't let things out even when I want to. (Hence the lack of posts here.) I took D to a park on Wednesday and of course the place was crawling with babies, bellies and moms with multiple kids. Inside I was seething with rage and kicking myself for going to that particular park, but nothing would come out, not even once we were at home and safe from all the triggers. I hate having all these emotions swirling around inside me all the time without having any way to deal with them. It seems like the only time the emotions can escape is during yoga class when I'm supposed to be relaxing and really it doesn't seem like dealing with my emotions once a week is a healthy thing.