Thursday, May 19, 2011

fake

Remember back when you were first starting to deal with losing your child (or maybe you are just going through this right now) and the advice you got was "fake it til you make it"? Well, it feels like I've gotten really good at faking it, but I haven't made it at all. The veneer over the mess has gotten so thick that I have 2 new problems: 1) "everyone" thinks I'm "okay" when I definitely am not and 2) the mess is trapped inside and I can't let things out even when I want to. (Hence the lack of posts here.) I took D to a park on Wednesday and of course the place was crawling with babies, bellies and moms with multiple kids. Inside I was seething with rage and kicking myself for going to that particular park, but nothing would come out, not even once we were at home and safe from all the triggers. I hate having all these emotions swirling around inside me all the time without having any way to deal with them. It seems like the only time the emotions can escape is during yoga class when I'm supposed to be relaxing and really it doesn't seem like dealing with my emotions once a week is a healthy thing.

4 comments:

Maria said...

Have you been keeping those feelings in for the whole year and a bit?

Do you have a support group nearby where you can go and talk. Writing is helping me a lot. I'm writing on two forums. Sands and Ciaolapo (that's italian).

I really do hope you can find someone to talk to because keeping it all in isn't healthy.

big hugs!

Maria with Thea in her heart.

Geves said...

Have you thought about getting some counselling? I know it's not for everyone but it has really helped me. Our situations are different - my daughter was ill before she died, and I had the focus of her health that friends could ask about. After she died I kept thinking "there's no change, nothing new to say. She's still dead and it still feels terrible," so I stopped being able to talk to friends. If you're paying someone whose job it is to listen you can be as repetitive and circular as you need to be. And I know I needed to be, because losing J made no sense at all. Anyway, just to say that although we've never met, I'm thinking of you. x

car said...

The inability to get feelings out has only been happening month or so. (I certainly wasn't holding things in when we were marking Reid's birthday.) I have been going to support group meetings 2x a month since Reid died and have done counseling in the past, but it's not something I really want to try again right now. Thanks for the love.

Missy said...

I write it and just don't make it public. But I do get the whole fake it and then people think you're okay. That is a big thing that I am struggling with right now as well. People just don't seem to understand why our babies are still such constants in our day to day lives. Thinking of you always~