Tuesday, May 3, 2011

13 Months

Do I still get to count the months? I know if Reid was here, I would say I had a 13 month old, not just a 1 year old, so I know I want keep counting the months. I miss Reid so much and sometimes I still can't believe that the baby boy I carried will never grow up and be a little boy or a big boy or a man. The last 13 months have gone by so quickly but the last 395 days have crawled by. Each day seems so long and filled with an endless number of reminders and triggers and things to just force myself to just get through, but then I can't believe how much time has passed since this all started.

I am still reading books written by other babyloss moms and by this point they all seem to have either a subsequent baby/pregnancy or some deeper spiritual understanding of the experience or even both by this point. Clearly I have neither of these and obviously have no idea how to achieve them either. (Well I understand how babies are supposed to be conceived but that hasn't made it happened.) Am I just a really slow learner or I am going to be stuck here in Dead Baby Land forever?


Missy said...

I think I will always count, because he will always be a part of me long after everyone else has forgotten. I don't think I am supposed to still feel this angry, but I do. I often wonder what it is that other mom's find on their journey to reach that enlightened state. You can read it in books all day long, but it never says specifically what made them get to that point and I so want to know. I want it all and everything. Always when I find myself on a 3rd will I Reid and his mama~

Merry said...

I FORGOT :( Forgot the 2nd, forgot to write him a letter. I have no idea whether to be pleased or sad.

I don't know if I am ready to move on, without another baby it seems almost pointless to try but my brain went and did it anyway :/

Hugs seem futile. You are always in my thoughts.

missliany said...

The title of this post just really struck me. I hate that you have not had your little man for over a year now. *hugs*