I had my first Yoga for Grief Support class last night. As expected, I cried a few times. The physical part of the class was okay. I did expect that there would some type of introduction where we all said why we were there, but there wasn't so when my brain wandered away from my body, I was speculating about who all the other women in the class were grieving for. Just by age, I would guess that most of the other people there were widows or moms who had lost adult children.
One of the hardest part of the class for me was the beginning relaxation exercise. I realized that I haven't let myself totally and completely relax since Reid died because it feels like tension is the only thing holding me together. If I let myself relax completely I will fall into a million tiny pieces. The other hardest part was a pose where we were just standing on our mats (tadasana, for any yoga practitioners out there.) We stood there and slowly adjusted our bodies until we were standing with perfect posture, the way you would if you were a proud, happy, confident, well-rested sort of person. Then we were told to let ourselves slump back into our "normal" posture and I realized how far my "normal" way of standing is from tadasana. Of course who could expect to feel proud of themselves or their body when their baby died inside them and then that same body refuses to get pregnant again and you have been depressed for months. Of course there isn't a damn thing I can do about the first two things either. Not exactly inspiring thoughts to meditate on.
I am glad I went to the class and will have no problem going back next week, but I am still a big mopey mess today. (I exchanged my pajama pants for sweat pants to take D to preschool this morning and that's as far as my getting dressed went.) I haven't been this down in weeks but I don't know if it's a side effect from the class or from what happened when I got home. More later, but I promise it's nothing really earth shattering or exciting so no need to worry.
Trying to adjust to life without my son...
2 comments:
The yoga lady told us to expect to feel emotional after the class. I just had no idea how right she would be. It is strange though how doing the poses makes you really think about your body. I shook a lot and I don't know if it was my lack of muscle strength or just shock from all the emotion I have chosen to ignore for the last 8 months. I'm really curious to see where this could go so I'm going to stick with it. I feel like I have a yoga buddy even though were in separate countries.. sigh! All my love to you mama~
I just found your blog through Missy's and I think a yoga for grief class is brilliant. I can remember driving myself to get a massage four or five weeks after my daughter was stillborn and when I got back in the car afterward, I realized how hunched over I had been when I drove there. Standing up straight feels exhausting and too vulnerable when everything you thought you could count on has been knocked out from under you. I'm doing restorative yoga now and I usually leave class feeling better but then have a slump the next day. Grief is a maze and so we wander in and out of the center.
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