The trip was okay. Mostly what I feel now is exhaustion, partly from not sleeping well and partly from being away from my comfort zone. My niece is very sweet and it was nice to spend time with her. I even wore her in the sling that was supposed to have been for my baby and only almost cried once. Of course she has no problems with me whispering to her about how she makes me miss her cousin even more. My brother is messed up, but everyone just makes excuses for him because it's because of his work. Seriously the way he acts most of the time, you would think it was his baby who was dead. I feel awful for my SIL because she is the one left at home while he is working 14 hour days and she is the one who has to put up with how critical and sensitive he is when he gets home.
A few good things did happen:
- I got to see my university roommate and her husband (who are babyloss parents, inexplicably infertile and in the process of adopting). It nice to talk to her because I don't have to sensor myself about dead baby talk and she doesn't try to tell me that we "just have to relax and keep trying" because she knows that doesn't help.
- I also got to visit my friend R (who sent my this rattle for Reid back in June). We didn't get to have the playdate we planned because her son has chickenpox and we didn't want to risk exposing my niece to it, but the two of us went for coffee. We had a really good talk which included both of us crying in the middle of Starbucks. I also went to her house and met (well, saw) her son which was good cause he's cute and hard because it made me think about what Reid could be like right now. After I got back to my brother's house, I had a huge cry but it felt good to let things out right away. Being with R, also reinforced that I have to deal with my issues with a mutual friend, but we didn't get a chance to talk about her while I was there. R is one of the few people who knows us both so I don't have to explain our history. Hopefully I can work up the motivation to call R soon to start figuring things out.
- My SIL actually asked me what I wanted people to do for Reid's "birthday" next month. Just the fact that she asked made me so happy, because I didn't think that anyone would. Of course I didn't know exactly what to tell her, but did manage to come up with a couple ideas. She also complemented my tattoo, which surprised me because she is pretty traditional, but maybe it was because my brother was not around (which given how grumpy he is, was a good thing)
Time seemed to move fast while we were away. Now I am back to just marking time until AF is supposed to show up this weekend. My hopes keep trying to go up, but I have to claw them back down. Really what are the chances that the month before Reid's 1 year anniversary would be the month that I finally get pregnant?