I haven't been able to write for the last week. I thought things might get better after writing about it but its worse. This morning I woke up at 4 after dreaming that I had not just one but two dead babies inside me. It makes no sense at all but somehow I had a baby who died a while ago still in there and then got pregnant again without giving birth to the first one. I was in huge panic because the new baby was getting bigger and was running out of room so I had to get the first baby out of there. Then I was in my parents' basement and both babies just were out and of course dead. (and somehow cleaned up so there was no blood.) I wasn't really interested in the bigger baby but have a really clear memory of holding the tiny little new baby in my hand. It was the size of a walnut but was perfectly formed and proportioned like a full term baby and of course it was a boy. Then I remember some really weird thoughts about putting the babies in the freezer so I could keep them with me but being worried about freezer burn. Creepy, I know, but I have no control over what my brain spews out while I'm asleep.
It doesn't take a shrink to figure out that I am worried about losing another baby. Of course I'd have to get pregnant to be able to lose another baby first. Too bad I saw the counselor yesterday, so he can't analyze it for me.
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Tomorrow is 10 months since Reid died. This past weekend I was lying in bed with a headache and kept thinking of the sound fat little hands make on the hardwood floor as a 10 month old crawls down the hallway to find mommy when she tries to sneak away for some "me" time. I wasn't trying to torture myself but I just couldn't stop thinking about whether Reid would be crawling or using the walls to walk by now. I swear I could see his happy little face smiling at me from the doorway of my bedroom. I followed that up by having a huge argument with D.G. on Sunday. (You guys aren't the only ones I'm not communicating with these days.)
More ugghh.
3 comments:
Let me tell you a story. When I worked for CPS (yes I know) we had to do an investigation on a mom because a family member saw a dead baby in the freezer. All said and done medical people can determine if a baby is born alive or not. This one wasn't. Mom went into premature labor at home and delivered around 6 months. She panicked and didn't know what to do. So she put the baby in the freezer. The baby was in a box and wrapped in a blanket. I guess my point is that You Are Not Alone and honestly if the above situation happened to me sans losing my son then I might just do the same thing. They use a freezer at the morgue and your baby would be with you in your home and you would have as much time as you need rather than feeling rushed to say goodbye.
I wish you very much love. I very much understand your fears of losing another baby. Sending you the biggest hugs and wishing I could ease your fears mama.
I've been having the craziest dreams lately. I know how scary it is to wake up and wonder just how sane you are. The mind often works through things when we dream and of course the fear of losing a second baby is a very large tangible presence in all of our lives no matter where we are in the ttc/pregnancy journey after loss.
Love and peace, mama.
Oh Cara :(
I keep praying there is an order to all this and once the head is sorted, the body will follow. It's about all there is left to believe in :(
We are now heading for "sample" land too.
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