Monday, December 20, 2010

Trying to prepare myself

Thanks ladies for all the compliments on my tattoo for Reid. The tattoo is on the inside of my right arm, so I chose a more painful spot to start with. It is feeling much better, the bruising has healed but it has scabbed over. Once it all heals up, I have to start lifting weights so my arm can look good when I show off the artwork.

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So all I have been posting about lately is my tattoo. It's not the only thing I have been dealing with but it's the only thing I feel I have any control over.

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Last week I got a package from my 92 year old grandmother. There was a Christmas card and stickers for D, but there was also a letter that basically told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and be strong for my husband and daughter. As well there was a whole pile of pamphlets from her church about grief and attending church. I can just ignore the church stuff, I'm not in a place where I want to think about God and church but I can accept that it is what she thinks will help. The letter really pissed me off. I had to call my mom and find out if she has been telling my grandmother that I am not trying to do my best for my family. She said she had not and that Grandma had told her she thought I looked sad when they Sky.ped with us at Thanksgiving because my smile didn't reach my eyes (ooh, big shocker there) So now I have to write a letter to my grandmother (who lost 2 boys, one was stillborn and one was 10 years old) to tell her how much I am doing for my family and that I don't need her telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself because that has never helped anyone who had a serious problem to deal with. I just didn't need more crap to deal with right now.

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My brother and SIL brought my niece Baby K up to our city for her first road trip this weekend (SIL's family is all here too and that's who they stayed with.) They all came over for supper on Monday night. D was over the moon about seeing her uncle and although I was dreading it, it didn't turn out as badly as I'd worried. There was not so much weirdness and I didn't cry when I held Baby K this time. SIL even let me put her and Baby K in the ring sling I had intended to give her on the last trip. (It's a SBP'd silver waves for those who might be baby wearing addicts. I bought it when I was pregnant with Reid but it was too small for me so it was never meant to be mine anyways.) But of course, nobody said anything about Reid's portrait, foot prints, collage or name in the sand that are all out on display in the living room. Why is it so hard to acknowledge my son? It's not like it's tiny and unnoticeable, it's a freaking framed invitation to say something about Reid. So I didn't even show them my tattoo. I've decided that people need to pass my test of acknowledging Reid before they get to see it.

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We have accepted an invitation for Christmas Eve supper at my aunt's house. (She was married to my dad's oldest brother who died over 10 years ago but is still close to most of our family.) I probably would have said no because her grandson C., who is 10 months old, will be there but she then brought us a Christmas flower arrangement and the card actually mentioned Reid (shocking, I know). I know she understands because her grandson died in November 2009 (he was ~12 weeks premature and suffered a massive brain bleed) and she saw her daughter go through all this awfulness. It will be hard to go and watch C. be the center of attention when Reid should be right there crawling along with beside him, but at least if I run from the room crying I know my aunt will understand why.

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Sorry for the long rambling post and any typo's. I don't know when I'll have time to post again (I'm behind on the ornaments for D and Reid.) and I have cracks in 2 of my cuticles and have had to tape up 2 fingers to avoid infection which has not improved my typing skills. Damn cold, dry western Canadian winter.

6 comments:

Just A Blog Reader said...

Hello – I hope you don’t mind that I still read your blog. I know that I caused quite a debacle the last time I commented ;/ but I wanted to tell you that I have been thinking about you and all the other BLMs and babies. This time of year is also hard for me since the loss of my mom and brother, but I know that it is nothing compared to what you guys are feeling. I read something the other day that made me think of you guys – it said that Jesus holds baby angels especially close during Christmas. I have always wondered if my brother is still a baby. I am not an overly religious person, but I do pray, and I always remember to keep Reid and the other angel babies in my prayers. I know that your heart will never heal. I know that you will never be ‘better’. I know that there will always be someone missing in your life and from your family. I know that you want people to remember your baby. It is Christmas, and I just wanted to tell you that your Reid is thought about and prayed for by someone far far away – someone that never met you or him, and still he was able to touch my heart. I hope this Christmas you are able to find just one tiny sparkle of peace – even if it is just for a moment.

B said...

the thing about people not acknowledging Reid's portrait... I guess the thing that I don't understand is that even if you don't know what to say, you can make a point of looking at the display and then catch your eye - make it obvious that you want to say something and that you see it but that you don't know what to say, giving you an opening to lead in. the idea of pretending that part of the room isn't there just makes me so sad.

did you see the post on glow about photos? it's from a year ago so you might not have.

i hope you can cope on christmas eve and i hope your fingers heal soon xx

car said...

Just a Reader,

I hope you went back a read the comments that came after you explained your perspective the last time you commented. I am fine with you still being here. Your losses are not small by any estimation and This time of year is rough for all of us who have lost loved ones.

Lareina said...

I'm sorry that your grandmother's letter wasn't very helpful - it's especially hard when you know they've been there and gone through it and they still don't understand. I think you are doing a great job and I can see the difference in you not only in your posts but in our conversations.

I'm glad that you made it through your niece's visit as well. I know how hard that must have been but you're doing great, taking it one step at a time.

I hope that your Christmas Eve is a good one even though I'm sure it will be hard. I'll be thinking of you and sending you all my strength to get through. Hugs.

Missy said...

It's hard when such blatant reminders go unnoticed or most likely ignored. I'm glad you will get to spend part of the holiday with someone who "gets" it. Hoping the holiday is kind to you and sending love.

Violet1122 said...

I'm sorry you got that letter from your grandmother. Everyone deals with grief differently, and you would think she could at least be more sympathetic. Even if she personally doesn't think they way you grieve is good - there is no reason for her to say such things out loud.

I'm even more sorry that people don't talk about Reid - especially when reminders of him are all around.

I love the idea of people passing "the test" in order to see your tattoo! That is something I would totally do!

((Big Hugs))