Friday, December 3, 2010

8

Reid has now been dead for eight months. What an awful thing to have to say. I've had eight months to get used to this idea but it still seems so wrong and unnatural. I can still imagine the chubby little boy he should be, crawling all over the house and chewing on any of his sister's toys that he can get his hands on. And the day isn't done yet, but only one person has remembered that it is 8 months today and I'm not holding my breath waiting for anyone else to remember.

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I had my second EMDR appointment today. It's not an easy process but I think it is doing something. It's hard to put into words but the closest I can come is to say that it doesn't feel like he just died yesterday anymore. It still hurts and I still remember things but it feels like it really happened 8 months ago and I have some space from the the overwhelming awfulness of the actual events. (Awful is the word of the day today.)

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D brought home a cold from preschool last week and now D.G. and I have it. Of course we had to be sick the same week that we are supposed to be doing the actual trying part of TTC. (I kept joking about the sexy phlegm episode of Friends.) And now my cycle seems to have changed and I don't know if we even have a chance this month. I want to be all relaxed and say that it's okay if I'm not pregnant because then I get to get my tattoo, but I can't lie to myself. I really want to be pregnant for Christmas, to have some hope to start 2011 with. Arrghh, only 12 more sleeps until I can pee on that stick.

8 comments:

Missy said...

I remember with you. I think the third will forever be a marked day. I wish you the relaxation you deserve on the ttc front. Thinking of you and sending hugs!

missliany said...

I am keeping my fingers crossed that you get a BFP for Christmas! We are coming up to 4 months on the 7th...my mom and hubby are the only 2 who ever mention anything on the 7th. It hurts when people don't remember.

Glo said...

My sentiments exactly....a BFP for Christmas would really help to make my days happier and more hopeful.

((Hugs)) On 8 months.

Dana said...

No one in my real life remembered, or at least said, anything to me about it being Jacob's 6 month anniversary. It sucked. He was their grandson and nephew, but only his parents remembered.

I really, really, really hope that you get your BFP before Christmas.

Thinking of you and Reid.

Merry said...

I remembered. But I was driving 250 miles in freezing fog and by the time I got home I was fit only for wine and sobbing. But I did remember you and your lovely boy.

Missy said...

Wanted to let you know I linked you and showed your blog some love.

car said...

I knew guys would remember. Love you.

B said...

i dislike 25ths of the month. i don't dread them like i used to, but they make me antsy and sad. and i think in time that will change, and that makes me sad.

i am hoping for you for this month hon. xxx