Sunday, October 3, 2010

Enough already

Okay, that's enough, it's just not funny any more. It's been six months and I am ready for the giant cosmic joke that my life has become to be over. I proved I can take it. I can survive without my baby, but I don't want to have to. Time for it to be over, to go back to Saturday April 3rd at 1:20 am and change the way things happened from that point on. There will be a squirming 20 lb boy on my lap right now, not a computer. There will be cloth diapers drying on my clothes line, not collecting dust in a basket. There will be hundreds of pictures of him on my camera, not pictures of balloons with messages for dead babies. I will be tired from getting up at night to nurse him, not from staying up late mourning him. There will be pictures up of all the friends' babies born this summer and I will be looking forward to the arrival of my first niece or nephew (please let it be a niece since none of the rest of this can be changed). There will be no talk about another baby and the giant pile of baby crap will be slowly being given away or sold as he out grows it. There will be a bay sleeping in the crib, not a box of ashes. Just make it all be the way it is supposed to be because the way it is really sucks.

8 comments:

Lucid Anne said...

You're so close to my heart today. <3 Love to you. I know that doesn't really help.. but I wanted to tell you anyway.

Violet1122 said...

This post just broke my heart. I have had these exact thoughts so many times... I often felt like I was ready to wake up, but was perpetually forced to live in the nightmare.

You are right - it's not the way it is supposed to be.

((Big Hugs))

Jessica said...

(((hugs))) reality sucks - I agree!

Catherine W said...

I'm sorry. It is so horribly unfair. Thinking of you and Reid. xo

Dana said...

It is so hard to think of how things should be right now. I often think I'm in some kind of nightmare too and maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up and still be pregnant, huge and wondering everyday if today will be the today that my baby is born.

Real life sucks sometimes.

lesliedp said...

Hello Car. I am new to the horrible awful reality of babyloss. My son Cullen Liam was born sleeping on September 11th.
I started a blog as a way of keeping myself from the unthinkable- I found not only a lifeline but a whole community of mothers who know exactly what this new life is like. I too have young living children who need me. I found your site through another beautiful blog and just wanted to say that your words resonate with me. I added you to my blogroll and hope to follow you through my own darkness. Thank you so much for sharing.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Reid. Neither of us has answers. I so wish that we could- just to know why our boys could not be here with us. I would give anything to go back to the life I knew before.

With grace- Leslie

Lareina said...

You are so right... this is not how it should be... we should have our little boys here in our arms. Sending you lots of hugz today hun...

B said...

oh god car it does suck so bad. i wish i could fix it for all of us.

i wish you didn't relate to my meltdown post, either :(