Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Nail polish

I have attached an irrational significance to some completely insignificant things since Reid died. The most visible one is the nail polish on my toes.

Going for a pedicure was one of the things I did the week before Reid died. One last chance to relax and pamper myself before I became a very busy mother of 2. Now I look at it as one of the last things I did when Reid was still alive. Even though my feet look horrible, I won't even consider taking the nail polish off my toes. (I have managed to trim my toenails so polish has disappeared that way). The purple is all but gone from toes 2 to 5 so all that's left is the polish on the big toes and that is half gone. It's like my own biological calender of how much time has passed since Reid died. Maybe by the time it's completely gone, I'll have started to figure out where I am supposed to go from here.


Kristin said...

Wow, this is really touching. I'm this way about clothes. I don't know why, but I refuse to buy new non-maternity clothes. I need new jeans and work clothes really bad, but I can't bring myself to buy them.

Hope you're hanging in there. Thinking of you.

Dana said...

I looked at my housecoat yesterday and realized that I haven't washed it since the last time I wore it...when Jacob was still alive. I ended up burying my face in it, where my belly would have touched, and cried.

This sucks. Thinking about you.

B's Mom said...

I bought a huge bottle of Tide when I was pregnant with my daughter. I remember thinking, this is going to last me until the baby is born. Then she died. I remember feeling actual pain when I used up the last of that bottle. I completely understand where you are coming from on this one.

(I never could throw the bottle away. I think my husband tossed it out.)