My brain is fried. I don't know why it's happening now, but I can't focus, can't concentrate, can't remember why I walk into rooms, can't remember to do things that I normally do everyday. D's birthday is on Monday and I have remembered to invite the guests to the party(yeah me), but I can't seem to make plans for food or activities. I can't remember to return phone calls which is not good right now. If my phone didn't beep at me, I wouldn't remember appointments.
There have been lots of "who am I" posts on everyone's blogs in the last week or so. I keep thinking that I should join in too, but there's a problem, I don't know who I am these days. I spent so much time planning what life was going to be like once I had a second child, now that those plans have been tossed out the window, I don't know what's left out there for me. (Besides being a Dead Baby Mama, that one I know I'm stuck with.) I have a great kid to be a mom to and a great husband, but they aren't supposed to define "me" and I don't know what does anymore.
Trying to adjust to life without my son...
5 comments:
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Is it possible you are suffering from post partum depression? You sound like you are having some of the same physical problems that I was having, i.e. lack of concentration; short term memory loss. If you ever want to talk please feel free to email me.
I hate the identity crisis that comes along with being a dead baby mama. I know life feels impossible, but you are surviving and doing your best.
For D's birthday can you call a friend and ask them to organize food and activities? Those things are hard for me when I am having good days so I understand why they seem like impossible tasks right now.
Huge hugs and much love.
The same thing happens to me. I forget things easily...I can't remember where things are, I drift off in a daydream in the middle of a conversation (unless the conversation is about Jacob). I don't think the lack of sleep is helping things.
I just did a "who I am" post. I couldn't quite leave out bits about Jacob in the middle of it and of course I ended it off with him. It was good to go over my life before him and see that there is still alot to live for and hopefully more good times to be had. I don't think I will have any for at least a year though, until all of the "firsts" have past.
I completely understand this. The lack of identity, the forgetfulness, etc. It is something very unique to DBMs I think. And I don't personally feel like it is post-partum depression, I think its something altogether different. I almost feel like its just a weakening of my sanity.
My brain is still a little fried. Even now. But it has improved slowly as time has passed. I think! Or perhaps I just lowered my standards.
I certainly feel like I lost my identity in this experience. Perhaps that is inevitable in something so life changing? x
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