On Saturday afternoon, I tried to be a normal person and went out to run errands without an almost 3 year old in tow, something that I should look forward to. I thought it would be no different than going out with D, but it was very different. Without D to distract me, the effort of pretending to be normal human being was overwhelming. 1 1/2 hours into my errands, I had to have a cry in the car before I went into the grocery store and 1/2 an hour after that I full out bawled as soon as I pulled back into the driveway at home. It's not like I saw anything that really upset me, it was just too hard to keep it together. I feel so awful for all the DBM's whose first child has died and have to go out in the world without the "shield" of a living child.
Fast-forward a couple hours and I was feeling good enough to go along with DH and D for ice cream (no downside to eating a huge ice cream cone to make me feel better, right?). And of course, there is a family with a little girl and a baby waiting for ice cream when we arrive. I have no idea if that baby was a boy or girl. I couldn't even get within 50 feet of them because the baby was sitting in the exact same car seat that is sitting in my basement. The same car seat that we should have brought Reid home in.
So much for a nice soothing ice ream cone.
Trying to adjust to life without my son...
4 comments:
I'm sorry you had such a hard day. I can't do grocery stores by myself yet. I tried once, started crying and had to leave.
Today we went to a local place to get pitas and as we were finishing eating a couple came in with their newborn baby girl. It's amazing how much that hurts.
It's hard, it sucks and I am sorry you don't have Reid here with you.
I'm sorry it has been such a difficult day for you! That sounds like my outtings last week. I finally gave up and just stayed home for a little while.
I hope today is a better day. Thinking of you!
One of my girlfriends with a newborn has the same travel system we registered for. It crushes me every time she brings the baby over.
I totally understand about the "shield"... I barely ever went shopping without Marrah in those first few months. Even now, I don't usually go by myself unless it's really late at night (thank goodness for Wal-mart being open till 11) and I know that most babies are home in bed by that time. I can't imagine going through this without a living child to cling to... it's just unimaginable how people cope without them...
I'm sorry about the ice cream situation too... I'm lucky in a sense that we bought a very uncommon carseat pattern and uncommon stroller with Marrah because I haven't seen one of them outside of our basement yet... it's still hard enough just to see it in the basement much less with someone else's baby in it.
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