Monday, June 28, 2010

Another Answer to one of Kristin's Big Questions

I have been thinking about this stuff for the last couple weeks, but Kristin's post spurred me on to get it out of my head. I'm not sure if this properly expresses how I feel, but it's the best I can do right now.

I don't think I have prayed since Reid was declared dead. I can remember asking God to save my baby as I lay on the operating table with my guts on my chest while doctors tried to get Reid to breathe, but we all know how that turned out. I know there was a lot of times right after Reid died when I was asking why, but it wasn't a real "prayer".

I was raised in a Christian home. We went to church almost every Sunday and my parents still do (although one goes to a protestant church and the other goes to mass). Before Reid I prayed regularly. I didn't attend church that often, partly because I am lazy and partly because I knew my husband wasn't really into organized religion (anything he has done related to church has been for me), but we made sure to attend during major Christian holidays. (I would have been in church on Easter Sunday if I hadn't gone into labor on Good Friday) My living child D was baptized, but we definitely hadn't made an effort to teach her about God yet. I occasionally felt guilty for not going to church more often and not taking D to church, but I think it had more to do with disappointing my mom than God.

Now I don't know what to feel about God. It's not that I don't believe he exists. Heck, we told D that her baby brother is with the angels, but who knows how much she understands. I haven't been anywhere near a church and don't intend to be anytime soon. (The guilt is not there anymore.) I know I am angry, but it's more than that. Every time I hear something like "God doesn't give us anything we can't handle" or "This happened to strengthen/test your faith" and all the other assorted platitudes, it just makes me angry. It's like God was trying to teach me some kind of lesson by taking my son away and I HATE the idea of someone trying to make me learn something or do something. The whole concept just makes me want to rebel and do the exact opposite thing. Maybe things will change, but that's how I feel right now.


B said...

i think that sounds perfectly reasonable.

all i can do is find lessons to take away, but i don't think this experience was given to me for me to learn these lessons. i just think that the only way i can find meaning myself is to do so. but anyone who suggests that that was the REASON for this happening may find that i punch them in the face.

sod guilt. you have enough to cope with. you SHOULDN'T feel guilty.

sending hugs xx

Kristin said...

I totally get what you mean when you say you want to rebel. I am the same way. I agree with B, don't ever feel guilty for being mad at God. Anyone who has their child die and doesn't feel mad about it is not normal. Plus, if he's as big as they say he is, he can handle it :)

Anonymous said...

I feel very much like you feel too, now that some weeks have passed and I'm no longer in shock and reciting the empty platitudes myself. <3

Lareina said...

I totally understand the being angry with God thing... I still am some days and just don't understand why he would do this to people like us who love and cherish our babies and give kids to people who abuse and ignore theirs.

None of it makes any sense and I don't feel a lesson in it either... I just hope that I can make something good come out of it... God's not going to do it for me so I have to figure it out and make it happen...

I want to believe so badly that God does exist and that Kaelen and Reid are in heaven with him and we'll see them again someday but some days it's really hard. Hugz.