Wednesday, June 9, 2010

D and I survived the drive to my parents farm. (I hate Dora but she got us through 10 hours on the road with minimal complaining) I had pictured us spending lots of time outside, helping my mom in her garden and taking D for tractor rides with my dad. However it has been raining nearly non-stop for the last 3 weeks and shows no sign of letting up. And when it's not raining , huge swarms of mosquito's are circling the yard looking for anything warm blooded. So much for the idyllic week in the country. This has left me with far too much time to miss DH and obsess about everything. I haven't cried for the last few days and that seems wrong. Things happen that make me feel sad, but they don't make me cry right now. Does that mean I didn't love Reid enough or am I "too good" at dealing with his death or am I in denial/shock and in a couple weeks I'll be a basket case again? How crappy is your life when you have to wonder what's wrong with you when you don't spend the majority of your day being utterly miserable?

4 comments:

Angela said...

We are having lots of rain here too. I hope you get to spend some time outside. I feel exactly as you do right now. I constantly wonder if I am crying enough, of if I am handling Charlotte's death 'correctly.'

I agree, life is crappy right now. Thinking of you tonight.

Sadkitty said...

Sorry to say it, in a few weeks you will be a basket case again. Probably from something like seeing someone with your same diaper bag at the store. You never know when it's going to hit. I can't enjoy that feeling of not being sad without the anxiety over impending doom either.

Lareina said...

It all goes in cycles... Even now some days are good and others are downright horrible... Not crying doesn't mean you don't love him, it just means you're getting used to missing him... It sucks and we'd never want to get used to it but it does happen... Eventually...

B said...

all not-crying means is that your brain needs a break from the constant tears. like sadkitty says, they will be back again soon.

i've been able to talk about it very normally again recently. it makes me sad that it doesn't make me cry so much anymore. but that's just a measure of time passing. six months on i can't spend every day in tears, even if i want to.

it doesn't mean you don't love him anymore. it doesn't mean i don't love my baby anymore. it just is.