Friday, May 21, 2010

Maybe I should stick to the Discovery Channel

I am a soap opera addict. Can't give them up and now that I need some kind of mindless distraction during D's naps I am worse than ever. Even most of the prime time dramas I like are just soaps with bigger budgets so of course I love Grey's. Before Reid, I probably cried at least once an episode but since he died, I haven't even been close to crying until last night. (The big season finale) And it wasn't when Meredith had the miscarriage, no I don't get upset over pretend dead babies anymore. It was when Percy was dying and Bailey told him "You're not alone". It just made me think that Reid was alone when he died. We will never know exactly when he died, but it was sometime just before or just after he was delivered. Before he was delivered, I was just so happy to have the spinal and be done with labor and ready to meet my baby. I was thinking about me, not truly focused on my baby. He was alone inside me. And if he died after delivery, he died with a bunch of nurses and doctors yelling and poking and prodding him, not with someone whispering that they loved him. He was alone surrounded by chaos. Either way, he was alone and there's nothing I can do about it. Just one more thing to feel bad about about in this whole mess. And they say that television doesn't do anything for you...

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I think I am semi-recovered from the feelings that came out in the last post. Not ready to rush to Calgary to see the new baby but not a big angry sobbing mess anytime a stray baby thought creeps into my head.

4 comments:

Glo said...

((hugs))

Lareina said...

Oh honey... he wasn't alone... he knew you were right there with him all the way... I always felt bad for not wanting Kaelen more after we lost him (Mike and I were fighting a lot and I was worried about having 2 children) but he knew I loved him and he had me there for him through it all. You and your wonderful spirit were always with Reid no matter whether you were thinking of him at that exact moment or not.

A quote I got in a card with the bear they gave me read "May it comfort you to know that all your Baby knew was love." And he did... he knew your love for the whole 9 months he was inside of you and he knew your love in those last few moments no matter where he was. He was never alone. Huge HUGZ!

Catherine W said...

I don't know, I worry about this one too. That she didn't hear me, that she didn't know me, that she didn't know that I was there as she died. But I hope she did. I have to hope she did.

I hope Reid knew that you were there with him. I can only say the same as Lareina. You were Reid's entire world, you surrounded him and you loved him. Whether he died before or after birth, he was very loved. x

B said...

I wanted to say what Lareina said too. If Reid knew anything he knew your love. He wasn't alone.