Saturday, May 22, 2010

7 weeks...

I thought I was doing better. I didn't spend all day Friday dreading Friday evening/early Saturday morning like I had for the last 6 weeks. Then Friday evening came and I cried from 8:30 until I fell asleep and I spent most of today either crying or just avoiding the world by staying in bed. I am tired of the grief rollercoaster. Why can't I just be somewhat miserable all the time instead of semi-okay or completely miserable? It would be be much easier to handle and much less confusing for DH. When I am completely miserable, I just want someone to cry with me and he can't do that for me. (He is willing to rub my back or hug me while I cry, but I don't like him watching me cry, it just makes me more sad that he doesn't feel the same way I do.) If I could get off the rollercoaster and just stay somewhat miserable, maybe I could start to adjust to the altered reality of my life. It would be nice if something besides the fact that my baby is dead and gone would stay the same from one day to the next.


Anonymous said...

momma, you have all right to be scared, angry, pissed off and cry at any minute of any day. it's just part of the shit storm.

i've got an umbrella you can take refuge under. come sit next to me. we'll cry together for our boys.

(ps - DH is just as crushed, men just have the super power to keep the tears at bay. don't think he doesn't feel the same. he does!)

B said...

it just does go like that sometimes. the grief is huge and scary and overwhelming, and needs to be processed - but it's impossible to go through it all at once. Your brain does need to go through this. I'm sorry, it's really shitty and I wish it was otherwise :(

i know my hubby doesn't feel the same about our lost baby as i do. that hurts, but it is what it is. he deals how he has to deal. it doesn't mean he doesn't care. i felt better once i heard from my mum that my (male) cousin and my uncle had been far more devastated than their respective wives when they suffered miscarriage and stillbirth. it's not a male vs female thing, it's just that *people* deal with it differently. that made me feel better about my hubby.

i don't know if that helps at all but i hope it does, a little.

Lareina said...

It all takes time honey... lots and lots of time... Even now, 6.5 months later I have those utter despair moments and just don't want to do a single thing... it does get better though... just keep trying and it'll get there. Hugz.

P.S. We should get together this week if you're up for it.